Dear Mister Blind Date

Dear Mister Blind Date, Mister FaceBook friend, and really any other Mister sitting across the dinner table from me:

I am tired of your bullshit. Yes, I have a degree. Yes, I am a good person. I have interests, lots of friends, goals and dreams. I don’t care to share them with you anymore nor do I care to hear what yours are. Quite frankly, it doesn’t make a difference. You know we will never work out. We both know that having conversation and exchanging facts won’t lead anywhere because someone has to take a leap of faith and open up – emotionally, physically, whatever… just be fuckin real dawg. And we both know you’re scared… because yes I am scary. I will judge you; that’s right your impressive resume doesn’t phase me – print it out, fold it up, stick it in an envelope and send it to someone who doesn’t have a pile of them at home from all the other dates they’ve been on. No, I don’t want to talk about how cool your wallet is, how your favorite brand is Armani Exchange or how fuckin good the wine is. I know the wine is good… when you have a hot girl sitting in front of you, all wine is good!!

Look the truth is, I’m scared of you as much as you are scared of me. So let’s face it… dating is just not for us… in order for us to get to know each other better we need to have real fun and quite frankly I don’t envision you as that person. And I realize Mister super hot hip young guy, that you don’t envision me that way either… because I come off as a conservative uptight goal oriented super intimidating woman. Oh, what’s that… I am amazing? You’ve never met anyone like me before? How great. Suck it. I feel like that about myself every morning when I look in the mirror and somehow your lack of follow through makes your compliment rather offensive. Because if you really felt that way, you would grow a pair. If a fuckin stool can grow a pair, so can you! (see attached pic)

So, Mister “Let’s go on a date”…. My answer is NO! I won’t go out with you to chat about fucking life. Clearly, you don’t even know anything about life, because you aren’t ready for it and what you say now really doesn’t say much about who you will be in possibly a short few months from now. So if you want to go out, you better be able to throw back a few shots, dance and show me a truly fun time. Because I am done dating and sitting across the table from you pretending like we’re trying to get to know each other. The only thing I am quite sure of, is that our conversation, chitter chatter, you opening doors for me, giving me your fuckin sweater and paying for the bill really doesn’t make you any different than the date I went on a few weeks ago, or even last night. I am almost 27 years old, and in woman years that’s only 3 more years till dooms day. So I am done wasting my time being open and "seriously" trying to get to know you. In fact I don’t want to fuckin know anything about you because honestly, I haven't been having any fun dating you or the many others before you in the past year and I demand fun… and if you can’t show it to me, then I am not interested!

With sincere sincerity,

Peanut

The Case of the Lost Dildo

Sunday morning I woke up to find that my dildo/vibrator which usually sleeps right under my pillow was gone! Where could it be?

I searched all around the bed, underneath, in the bathroom, the drawers, behind a shelf and cabinet... no where to be found. This rather large toy, which I now desperately miss, is lost. So I started thinking and worrying.... did someone find it? It hit me! The housekeeper was here recently and she made my bed and cleaned my room. It had to be her! I started to imagine what could have happened... and I thought of only three possible scenarios:

Scenario #1

Housekeeper finds the dildo, looks at it, doesn't know what it is and puts it somewhere in the house thinking it doesn't belong in the bed. [Since I live with the family, this scenario could definitely be an awkward one!]

Scenario #2

Housekeeper finds the dildo, knows exactly what it is, whispers in Spanish: Lord forgive her and trashes it.

Scenario #3

Housekeeper finds the dildo, looks at it, doesn't know what it is so she asks someone who was home (possibly mom or dad) and somehow it gets trashed.

Whatever the situation may be... the sad part is... I had developed a relationship with it and it was $50!

Ain't no sunshine... Or is There?

But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,

And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

Can we actually produce a similar feeling to that of the sun shining down on you, warming you up? Can darkness be felt in our absence? Or this is just a sappy song written for sappy romantics?

In the movie Juno, when she sees the soon to be parents of her soon to be born baby get into a fight and decide to divorce... she starts to question relationships. Is there hope for a long lasting relationship? True love that never dies? Her dad advises her that there ain't no guarantees in life... but that she should find someone who loves her for who she is: the good, bad & the ugly... it would be best to be with someone who thinks that the sun shines out of your ass no matter what. Does the sun shine out our ass?

Apparently, it does. But only for a special few who see it. Recently, I've been doing some digging. I've been digging deep trying to find what love is for me. Why I feel comfortable with some guys and not with others. Is what I think I want out of a guy also parallel to what I need? Then I stumbled across a very unique thought that I had never had before: I need to be with a guy who has the sun shining out of his ass, no matter what he does. For some illogical reason, I put some guys on a pedestal and think they are as special as any one person can be. This I have come to realize is one ingredient of a loving relationship. After discussing with Jelly, I learned she thinks her fiance is definitely the sunshine in her life and she is for him. So, I suppose we can create sunshine. We can lighten up the world for other people... but I guess you could say some people just have too much SPF on to feel your sunlight. It's about finding the right one for you.

"Stepping it Up": A Tribute to Amazing People

Step up to the plate and be a man. God knows how old this saying is, but whoever came up with it knew a little about life...

Lately, I have this urge to step up to the plate, step up to the challenges that life brings, to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better business woman, and live a better life than I lived just a moment ago. Sometimes, in life we are lucky enough to have a certain someone make us feel this urge... Jelly and her man have this special kind of relationship. Last weekend Jelly's man proposed! Yes, ladies... she finally found the cure to LMS. No more LMS for Sexy Jelly - Jelly is officially engaged!

From the very beginning their relationship represented the exact feeling I described above. Jelly had an urge to become a better person because of him... as they grew together, their love grew, and you could say they both grew from guy & girl to man & woman, soon to be husband & wife. Jelly made a man out of her man. He sure stepped up to the plate -- proposing without a bit of the common pressure girls put on their guys; deciding for himself that Jelly is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Jelly, the delightful woman she has become over the past 2 years, was honored and this engagement has been so special: a true representation of how wonderful life could be with someone who knows how to step up to the plate, who knows how to recognize amazingness in their significant other, who knows how to be an amazing person. Don't ever undervalue this kind of quality in anyone... people who can step up to the plate are the people who make a difference in people's lives, a little difference in the world and make life better for themselves and for those around them.

I am so proud of Jelly and her fiance for the wonderful people that they are and for the wonderful life they are going to have together. I am so excited to share it with them as they change the world, if not just a little, with their amazingness together. I heart you Jelly!

Congrats on your engagement... all my love, Peanut.

Dating A Banker Anonymous

Apparently ladies, if you live in NY and are dating a banker, there is a support group just for you. Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA for short) allows women to dress up, gather at meetings, drink martini's and commisurate over the fact that their once uber rich boyfriends/fiances/husbands are now, in light of the economic meltdown, not so rich (which apparently upsets the entire relationship, since these women got involved pricely for their partner's spoils...)

Reading about this group, which of course, has a corresponding blog, http://dabagirls.com/, I couldn't help but be proud of our little group here at No Man Land...

Here is the blurb from their blog:

"Are you or someone you love dating a banker? If so, we are here to support you through these difficult times. Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA) is a safe place where women can come together – free from the scrutiny of feminists– and share their tearful tales of how the mortgage meltdown has affected their relationships. DABA Girls was started by two best friends whose relationships tanked with the economy. Not knowing what else to do, we did what frustrated but articulate girls have done since the beginning of time - we started a blog. So if your monthly Bergdorf’s allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared from your life, lighten your heart with laughter and email your stories to dabagirls@gmail.com. Warning all stories sent will be infused with our own special brand of DABA Girl humor."

I'm not saying that No Man Land is a feminist blog by any means, but, we certainly have evolved well past the DABA girls, that's for certain.

A true relationship is one that weathers the storm - not one that only survives on a beach in Sam Tropez... What the DABA girls really need is a No Man Land lesson or two...

Mr. Perfect on Paper

Career? Check. Good family? Check. Tall? Check. Educated? Check. Rich? Check. Right social circle? Check. Right ethnity? Check. Right religion? Check.

Mr. Right? Wrong.

Everyone has experienced Mr. Perfect on Paper. He's the one that has all the prerequisites, and yet is completely uninspiring, annoying, shallow, or just plain wrong for you. The problem is, the older we get, the more expectations we gather, and therefore eliminate most men that aren't Mr. Perfect on Paper. The problem is - as I've said - Mr. Perfect on Paper is oftentimes Mr. All Wrong.

It is a fine line between knowing your needs, and systematically excluding men because they don't match your list of do's and don'ts. If you are too narrow in your scope, you might just end up on date after date with Mr. Perfects on Paper, never actually finding Mr. Perfect in the Flesh.

Next time you meet someone who isn't Perfect on Paper, give him a chance. You never know, you might surprise yourself and throw your old checklist out.