A Dream Guy Deferred?

Salvador Dalí. Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomegranate. One Second before Awakening.

Langston Hughes brought up a very important question when he asked, "What happens to a dream deferred?" His poem answers the question with a series of hypotheses:

"What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-- And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?"

In my experience, sometimes a dream that has not been realized gets well, deferred to your dreams. Even now that I'm in this great relationship, there are times that I wake up only to realize that I was dreaming about someone from the past, in my case, one person in particular, who I never got the chance to be with.

The question is, does his presence in my dream symbolize unresolved feelings? Is it possible that this "dream guy deferred" is still haunting me?

When your dreams are stuck in the past, how is it possible to wake up completely in the present?

Ele-flaws?

In every relationship, there are things your man does that drive you mad. It could be small things, like annoying habits (i.e. driving too fast, being kind of a slob, not calling enough) to big things (communication problems, fear of commitment...). The truth is, for most women, we are more than willing to discuss these things in an effort to make the man and relationship, well, better. Unfortunately, men are not always so open to change. Constantly asking your man to change his habits will be interpreted as nagging and could really put a strain on your relationship.

The question is, where do you draw the line? Of course, there are definitely times when it is better to bite your tongue and deal, but sometimes unless you bring up your concerns, the relationship will slowly deteriorate.

When you recognize something you'd like your man to change, when should you point out the elephant in the room and when should you learn to quietly accept it?

Truth or Dare?

The other evening, amidst a moment of emotional weakness (yes, I was pondering the ex), I decided to go back and re-read some old diary entries. And good thing I did. The old adage still rings true: the truth shall set you free. And in this case, the truth was contained in a few eloquently drafted diary entries from last year. These entries reminded me yet again why I ended my last relationship. I did in fact do it for the right reasons. I needed that, a burst of truth, because with time, the fog of nostalgia had engulfed my memory and only allowed me to remember the good things. You can imagine how problematic this can be as it can easily lead to unwarranted doubt and regret.

I really like this quote by Georges Braque: "Truth exists. Only lies are invented." Sometimes, it is our mind that invests the lie. Sometimes it is easier to lie to yourself and forget, than to remember the pain of relationships past. Regardless of the lies I tell myself sometimes, the truth of the relationship exists, and luckily I have my diary to remind me of it.

So in short, when your mind lies and dares you to reminisce, be strong and seek out the truth - it will free you from the fog.

Through the Looking Glass

"And since you know you cannot see yourself, so well as by reflection, I, your glass, will modestly discover to yourself, that of yourself which you yet know not of."

William Shakespeare

When it comes to falling in love, who should foot the bill?

I've been pondering this one for a long time but always refrained from posting about it... Today, browsing on Gawker.com, it seems someone beat me to the punch.

The question is, in a world where women are perpetually trying to even out the playing field and be respected as equals rather than second-class citizens to their male counterparts, why do we as women, still expect men to pay for our dates?

I've posted the text of the article I found below... I'd love to know your thoughts:

http://gawker.com/news/gender-norms-and-the-city/why-do-otherwise-normal-girls-refuse-to-go-dutch-304569.php

Why do otherwise normal girls refuse to go dutch?

Last night I almost made a gossip columnist drop her drink in horror with a single sentence. Luckily we were on the roof of 60 Thompson, which is such a classy establishment that the drinks are served in plastic tumblers, so no harm would've been done, but my gossipy friend's gasp drew the attention of another woman in our group, who asked me to repeat the shocking thing I'd said. She, too, did a double-take. "You let a man allow you to pay for your own dinner on the first date, and you're seeing him again?" I nodded. One of 60 Thompson's insanely bitchy waitresses stopped in her tracks as she overheard, almost dashing a tray of plastic-sheathed vodka tonics to the flagstones. What was going on here?

"I just ... I went for my wallet, and he didn't stop me. I didn't mind! I like paying for myself," I told the gossip columnist and the publicist.

"That's so rude. That's like not letting a girl get out of the elevator first," a Maxim staffer not exactly known for his chivalry chimed in.

"If a guy doesn't pay on the first date, you are establishing a dangerous precedent, " the gossipeuse continued. "If a guy tries that move on me, I just tell him, 'You know what? I've got this. I can write you off.'" She paused to smirk at her own joke. "I've used that line so many times."

On my way home, I had to wonder. Ha, sorry, but I DID HAVE TO WONDER. What time capsule are these women living in? Why on earth would you want to feel beholden to a dude for any reason? Sure, free things are nice, but not when they come wrapped in cultural assumptions that men are the wage earners and women are their cosseted pets. What the fuck makes women feel like being asked to pay their own way is an insult?

Today, still wondering, I asked a dating expert if she'd ever been asked to go Dutch. "In the entire history of my life, there was one guy who demanded we go dutch. I was so fucking mad, I wanted to cut off his balls. I'm STILL angry about it. And it was three years ago. I'm not even kidding, I thought about it two or three days ago when I got an invite to his book party, and I thought "THAT FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER MADE ME PUT DOWN A TWENTY WHEN HE WAS THE ONE WHO GOT AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE!"

Okay, so we know what side she's on. But, um, why? Why are men supposed to pay for us again? "Um, because we have to wear high heels and push up bras and control top panty hose and makeup and belts/jeans/dresses which cut off our circulation and we have to change the ways in which we're uncomfortable every season and ON TOP OF THAT we get to pay a fuckload of money for the privilege???"

Ah, the old 'reparations' theory. And the counterargument, of course, is: we don't actually have to do any of that stuff. I mean, no one's telling us to. Except, you know, prevailing cultural norms that, in spite of a lot of people's best efforts, don't really seem to be going anywhere.
But we can still try to fix the system, one not-free entree at a time! Or, you know, we can go to the bathroom right before the check comes next time and see if that enables us to dodge the issue

Is Chivalry Dead?

So tonight I had dinner with a friend. This friend at first glance seems like the least graceful guy you could ever meet... You'd think the only rules he has down pat are those necessary to play beer pong and tackle football. And yet, when we got to a door, he opened it, when we ordered our food, he carried it, and all and all, he was (albeit some serious social awkwardness) the perfect gentleman.

Who would have known?

Lately I've been thinking about chivalry. I expect the man to well, be the man. To open car doors, house doors, apartment doors, shopping center doors, restaurant doors, and basically any other doors we may encounter.

And so I wonder, is chivalry something all men are aware of, and some just choose to disregard, or are some just clueless?

And if a man is not inherently chivalrous, can you change him from a frog into a prince?

Or will he just be acting chivalrous to get what he wants (you) and eventually get bored and return to his old, non-prince charming self?

Easter Bunny? Religious Hunny?

So, it has become increasingly obvious to me that meeting "the one" is as much about finding someone who lines up with your values and your goals as it is about finding the love of your life. Because even if you have all the love in the world, if he doesn't want kids and you do, or if you believe in diamonds (big ones) and he doesn't, then you're going to start moving in opposite directions, and fast.

One of the biggest issues I've realized we face when trying to determine if someone is "the one" is whether or not they match up with you spiritually. At some point, long ago, I thought that if you at least meet someone who is the same religion as you, then the spiritual connection requirement would be met.

Alas, this has proven not to be the case.

In a world filled with several types of Christians, and varying types of Jews, not to mention people who chose to craft their own religions by mixing up the ones they like, finding someone who is perfectly in tune with your spiritual goals seems well, as hard as finding a big five karat ring in a haystack.

Which leads me to my question, when trying to find your match, how much of your spiritual goals should you relinquish and how much of theirs should you adopt in trying to reach a middle ground?

I'm not religious at all and I often worry that finding someone who will be the right religion yet will support my laissez-faire religious attitude may prove to be a difficult task... Will I be able to find someone that is just right without having to give up or take on too much?

When trying to meet Mr. Right (i.e. a man who is on your exact spiritual wavelength), do you have a better chance of running into the Easter Bunny?

Confession: I Enjoy Panda Express

“The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.”Albert Einstein

If only I could convince myself to enjoy salad as much as I do orange chicken, perhaps I could refute old Albert... Unfortunately, as it stands, I have a better chance of refuting e = mc2...

A Prize for Conception? Sign me up.

Want to scare your boyfriend into using protection? Just tell him that in Russia, you could win a car for getting pregnant...

Russian province gets set for 'Conception Day'

A Russian province is readying for "Family Contact" day -- unofficially being called "Conception Day" -- in an effort to boost flagging birth rates, officials said on Monday.

The special day for encouraging procreation was dreamt up by the governor of Ulyanovsk province, Sergei Morozov, who this year awarded prizes ranging from a television to a Russian-made all-terrain vehicle for giving birth on Russia's Constitution Day on June 12.

President Vladimir Putin has made fixing Russia's ongoing population slump a national priority.
This Wednesday's event is timed precisely nine months ahead of next year's Constitution Day so that mothers "ideally should give birth on June 12," said a spokeswoman for the administration, speaking by telephone to AFP.

A series of concerts and exhibitions are being organised to promote family values and employers are being encouraged to grant a discretionary day off, said the spokeswoman.

"The purpose is to improve the demographic situation and support family values," she said, adding that a four-year programme of building and improving kindergartens was under way to support families.

On Monday, the independent national paper Novye Izvestiya reported that local people had taken to referring to Wednesday as "Conception Day," although it also noted some dissent.
"We've already sunk to the level where the governor is ordering us on what day to conceive a child and on what day to give birth," the paper quoted local human rights activist Alexander Bragin as saying.

The administration spokeswoman said that next year's prizes for giving birth on Constitution Day had not yet been decided but underlined that "there definitely will be prizes."

The tradition of awarding prizes for giving birth dates back to Soviet times, when women could be named "Hero Mothers" for having especially large families.

The city of Ulyanovsk, previously Simbirsk, located 900 kilometres (560 miles) east of Moscow has a special place in national mythology as it was named after the founder of the Soviet Union, Vladimir Lenin, whose real surname was Ulyanov.

Tutti Fruitty Drunk and Skinny?

Ladies, the verdict is in: Fruity cocktails count as health food. Praise the Lord Hallelujah.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A fruity cocktail may not only be fun to drink but may count as health food, U.S. and Thai researchers said on Thursday.

Adding ethanol -- the type of alcohol found in rum, vodka, tequila and other spirits -- boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries, the researchers found.

Any colored fruit might be made even more healthful with the addition of a splash of alcohol, they report in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture.

Dr. Korakot Chanjirakul and colleagues at Kasetsart University in Thailand and scientists at the U.S. Department of Agriculture stumbled upon their finding unexpectedly.

They were exploring ways to help keep strawberries fresh during storage. Treating the berries with alcohol increased in antioxidant capacity and free radical scavenging activity, they found.
Any colored fruit or vegetable is rich in antioxidants, which are chemicals that can cancel out the cell-damaging effects of compounds called free radicals.

Berries, for instance, contain compounds known as polyphenols and anthocyanins. People who eat more of these fruits and vegetables have a documented lower risk of cancer, heart disease and some neurological diseases.

The study did not address whether adding a little cocktail umbrella enhanced the effects.