The Importance of Mindfulness in Dating

Mindfulness is used a lot in yoga and is a synonym for living consciously. To live consciously you have to be present at each moment of your life. At first this may seem silly and you may think ,"Yeah I am always present." Although it may feel that you are present physically, mentally and emotionally... you are often not. If you are like me, just an average human being, you will probably notice that you spend a lot of moments thinking about something that you need to do, analyzing something you did, imagining or fantasizing about something you want, numb or just wishing you could be in another moment. But to be mindful means to actually hear your thoughts as they appear, to observe your feelings as they arise, accept each moment as it is and if someone else is talking to listen consciously to the person instead of being engaged in things that my arise within you.

I find that when I get nervous, scared or too excited I am not mindful, rather I am all wrapped up in my feeling and everything that I say or do is just reactionary and not mindful at all. In fact, I often may say or do things that I don't even mean to say or do. And in retrospect, I wonder why on earth I did.

Okay okay... enough with the psychological and spiritual talk. What does this have to do with dating? Well, in the recent months I have been doing a lot of dating... first it was 1-2 dates with a few different people and then one guy for a short month. This morning as I a lay in my bed hungover from my big turkey meal I started to recall a few instances where I was out with the guy I dated for a month and I said things that were, well, not so friendly - mostly ego bashing to be perfectly honest. Why? Why on earth would I be mean to someone I was interested in. As I started to remember the details of that night, I remember feeling nervous, insecure and more importantly I was not in a mindful place at all. I reacted on my nervous and insecure feelings almost the whole night without even knowing it at the time. In retrospect, I wish I had been more mindful... I wish I had observed my insecure feelings and just let them hang out on the side of my night, instead of takeover. It's easy to be mindful when you are in an enclosed quiet space doing yoga with your eyes closed... and much more challenging to be mindful when you have several external activities that are creating negative feelings to rise leaving you weak and vulnerable. I could easily say that this was one of the first times I, as an adult, have been nervous around a guy. Why this person made me nervous calls for a whole nother discussion. But, if it happened to me, I am 100% sure it happens to everyone and what a shame. Then I quickly recalled Bill Nye the Science Guy... on my second date with him, he talked and talked and talked my ear off about himself and it was possibly one of the most draining dates that I have been on. He was probably being overly-obnoxious because he was so nervous. Although I am not quite sure why he was nervous, the point is... if only he were a little more mindful, he would have given me a chance to talk (like he does on the phone or online).

How many dates do we kill by not being mindful? It may have been my first time being super nervous around a guy, but I am sure it is a common problem for a lot of people. The lesson is don't ruin the moment by not being in it.

If I could, I would apologize to my guy... sorry for saying stupid things I didn't mean. I actually did have a lot on my mind that I should have shared, but I guess I was just too nervous and not mindful enough. Since I can only learn now from my mistakes, I am going to be more mindful in each moment in my life... and since I recently had a struggle on date, I am going to start by practicing to be more mindful on my next date. Just show up and be present.

Choose Me, Pick Me, Love Me...

If you watch Grey's Anatomy, I am sure you remember the scene when Meredith literally tells Derek to choose her. Even though she was asking him to pick her over another woman, I think her line resonates with a lot of us. It's not often we get to say out loud, "please pick me," when we secretly want to be chosen by a man.

I've heard a lot of stories from men about how they knew 'she was the one' early on - sometimes at first glace, sometimes after the first date... however the story unfolds, it always seems to be the man who chooses the woman.

Today I had lunch with the CEO of a pretty large publication... he was talking about how lucky he is to be with his wife - to have found her. He said that right when he saw her, he knew she was the one because she was everything he dreamt of growing up. I was moved, touched... speechless. I sat there secretly hoping someone would say that about me one day. Later this afternoon I started thinking about the other people in my life, some of the other stories and some of my own dating stories. And I wondered, does it always have to be the man to 'know' from the beginning that the woman is 'the one.' Can it ever be the woman? I couldn't think of a single case where a woman said that she knew right from the beginning that she had found her man. Is it because it never occurs or do they not admit to it?

This got me thinking even more; does this mean that we ladies wait around for someone to pick us out from the crowd, to choose us, love us... If we picked someone what would we do? Ask the guy to choose us, pick us? Some may think Meredith was bold for saying it straight out; but a lot of people may think it was desperate. Even though we think we live in an era where egalitarian relationships are the norm, it seems as though the courting period is somewhat 'in progress,' if you will. Men still seem to be the ones who lead the relationship into the future and if a woman tries to step in, she might just be judged.

The Pursuit of Happiness

From right about the time we are born, something peculiar starts to happen: our happiness becomes tied to external cues. Whether it was getting milk when we cried, or toys on our birthdays, it was always something external that was responsible for elevating our moods. As women, I believe this is especially true. Just look at what having a man around can do to us. All it takes is a survey of prior posts on this very blog to see that when a man comes into the picture, Peanut and I suddenly got a lot more excited, well, about everything. Even ourselves.

And with this post, as we are a little over one month shy of a new year, I hope that I can express my wish for the future:

I would like to take charge of my own happiness, and I invite all of you to join in. Ladies of No Man Land, let the internalization of happiness commence.

By taking charge of your happiness you take power away from volatile externalities, whether they be your job, your relationships or your material possessions. At the end of the day (and I don't mean to sound morbid) we can only rely on ourselves, since it is only our own hearts and minds that we have true control over. Why not find a way to be happy everyday - regardless of what life brings?

Now, this doesn't mean external cues aren't great - they absolutely are. But, your day to day happiness shouldn't depend on them. Create passion, hope and fulfillment within yourself, and leave the external happiness cues for icing on your happiness cake.

Ultimately, your happiness should belong to you... Look within and create your fulfillment.

The Cure to Winter Blues: Manage Your Expectations

KEEP YOUR EXPECTATIONS MODEST.
Don’t get hung up on what the holidays are supposed to be like and how you’re supposed to feel. If you’re comparing your holidays to some abstract greeting card ideal, they’ll always come up short. So don’t worry about holiday spirit and take the holidays as they come.

In an article posted on WebMD, http://www.webmd.com/depression/holiday-depression-8/boost-mood-tips?print=true (25 ways to find joy & balance during the holidays), I can't help but to focus on #1 (above)! Some of the 25 are quite funny, but #1 is the definitely the cure to holiday season blues.

Chatting with a girlfriend today, I realized there are quite a few people who tend to get a little blue as the holiday season approaches. Maybe it's the weather? Maybe being single during the holidays is hard... whatever it may be, the case of the winter blues can be rather difficult. It's not like summer, where you can jump in your bikini, layout, swim, flirt, and be out and about socializing to create excitement in your days. As December approaches I can't help but worry, not just for myself but for all of us single girls out there who don't have holiday plans and will probably just wait around till plans pop up, secretly wishing our reality matched up with our fantasies of what the holiday season would be like. We all have ideals of how holidays are supposed to be, how our dates are supposed to be, how are men are supposed to be, and a list of other things. Dropping these expectations can really make life a lot easier to live. That's why this holiday season, I am focusing on keeping my expectations modest in order to shift out of a place of constant disappointment.

This past summer I decided to implement what I like to call a 'granola' way of living: straying away from excess, excess shopping, eating, spending; detaching myself from a lot of material items I previously needed to have; amongst many other tactics in an effort to live a more modest, de-materialized life. In the process I not only experienced the essence of gratitude, I also built character and realized some of my internal issues. After a few months of consciously implementing daily rules I had set for myself, I ended up falling somewhere in the middle... I shifted out of my old ways permanently and now live a much healthier lifestyle. Hopefully, the cure to winter blues this winter will serve as yet another shift and growth for me in 2008.

Music was my boyfriend?

A long time ago, before the chapters in my life entitled "law school" and now "lawyer," I was a musician. The "musician" chapter lasted from age 4 through roughly age 23. I played the piano, I wrote music, I sang, I collaborated with other musicians, and I was generally a very inspired and creative person. And then it just stopped. All of it. I stopped playing, singing, creating, composing, even listening to music. What I loved most about my life and myself just up and disappeared.

The thing is, when someone asks me, "are you still playing" or "are you still singing" (which many people do, since it was such a big part of my identity) I shrug my shoulders, make a sad face, and explain, "law school ate my soul."

What I wonder is, if it is something I really love and miss, why don't I just do it? And if I don't miss it? Why? I can honestly say that singing and playing the piano were two of my favorite most fulfilling things in life. And now: poof. They are both gone.

There is another interesting correlation though, that should be noted. My most creative moments were when I was single (i.e. from age four through twenty-something)... It has always happened that when I am in a happy relationship I tend to shy away from my musical enterprises. I've essentially been in three back to back relationships during the past four years and during that time, I guess you can say that instead of being in a relationship with music, I was in a relationship with men.

Is it possible that I'm only creative when I'm alone? Is that why most love songs are about love lost? And if so, how can I find away to re-unite with my ex (my music lover) without having to give up my current boyfriend?

Rubber Band Theory: Don't Be Afraid of Letting Go

I read a few of John Gray's Mars and Venus books a few years ago. One thing that stuck with me because I had noticed it before in my own experiences was his theory that men are like rubber-bands. When they leave they always come back just like nothing ever happened and no time has gone by. (Providing of course that the woman leaves them alone.) I've been reminded of that theory again in the last two weeks. At least 3 different guys who I had dated in the past but hadn't seen or talked to for months have IM'd and started talking to me within the last week or so for no apparent reason and just took up from where they left off like no time has gone by. The only acknowledgment that they even realized it had been a while was that they were all trying to see if I'm still available or not.

~Candy Lily from MatchDoctor.Com

My recent love interest of a month ended last night because he said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even though he thought I was the most amazing girl he has ever met. Although this makes no logical sense to me, I have chosen to let go - to once in my life trust the bigger universe we live in and the plans it has for me. I know what I want in a relationship and so does the universe... so I am surrendering to the flow of life. I quoted this girl above because deciding to let go has also given me a little hope in the rubber band theory... that maybe in the process of letting go I am actually doing myself a favor. If it really is meant to be with this guy, he will bounce back at a time that is more appropriate for him and maybe for me, without having had dated and ended things on messy/bad terms.

It's funny because I posted a few months ago about how 3 out of 4 of my x-boyfriends had recently touch based with me in the most heartfelt of ways, apologizing for whatever wrong they did. This interaction could have easily rekindled a relationship if we were meant to be. The 4th one is married and has a child. So to say that I don't believe in the rubber band theory would be hard -- because I have proof.

Although, a girl can dream a dream of a romantic story where their prince charming leaves a note on their car after a year of not talking (wink wink SJ) and makes an effort to make something happen, a smart woman can't depend on the rubber band theory. Which is why I am back in the dating scene...ready to face the darkness and uncertainty all over again!

And every time I lose hope or start to feel negatively about myself, I will look up to our President as my inspiration, believing that I too will find someone who stands tall and proud and calls me his best friend, rock of the family and love of his life! Feels good to have a President to look up to for once in our lives.

So here's to dating, the rubber band theory, letting go and continuously learning new things about relationships and building successful ones. The cure to LMS doesn't come overnight; it's a process ;)

Inspired By Your Love

After last night's excitement, I woke up to an email today and I quote my girlfriend:

"I thought to myself, if Obama can become president, I can wake my ass up in the morning and go to the gym…so, I woke up at 5am and went to the gym!"

It hasn't even been 24 hours and everywhere I turn, I see and hear that people are inspired... and so excited for a new beginning. People have been updating their facebook status to things like "I am proud to be an American tonight," "Crying tears of joy," "Excited for change," amongst a play on words like OH-Bama! It is really an exciting time to be living in. Obama is an inspiration for various reasons; everyone has their own.

But for the purposes of this blog... let's discuss his love for Michelle. Obviously we don't know what goes on behind closed doors... but I have to say, "Mr. President you captured my heart with your speech last night, specifically when you sincerely and passionately thanked Michelle, 'your best friend and the rock of the family'." I aspire for a relationship like theirs. Egalitarian. Loving. Authentic. Passionate. Strong. Supportive. Romantic, despite life's challenges. Thank you for inspiring me. I am excited and curious to see how the next 4 years pan out! Cheers to a new beginning and to finding a love like Barack and Michelle Obama's!

P.S. The pic above is my absolute favorite. I heart them.

Mental Hiccups

If you've ever had the hiccups for an extended period of time, you know that it could be quite exhausting... just when you think it's gone for good, it's back! It lingers around in the background of your time and annoys you, possibly annoys you so much that you can't even focus. If you're a little crazy you might get angry at yourself that you can't get rid of it... you hold your breath, drink a full cup of water in one shot, swallow sugar, do a headstand while holding your breath, try to scare yourself?, amongst other ridiculous remedies. But you are definitely not calm, and the more you try to get rid of it, the time between each hiccup seems to be shortening leaving you with no normal breaths! And all you want to do is run to the top of some canyon and yell at the top of your lungs.

Recently, I have had boy issues on my mind that cause the insecure sides of me to creep up and take over my whole existence. Much like the hiccup, just when I think I am okay... and back to my normal self, I start to feel insecure again! I don't know what to do to get rid of it... it's just spiraling out of control. Day after day after day... it's been almost a week now and I am starting to feel a little bit exhausted. Unfortunately, unlike the hiccups there are no remedies that I can seek externally, I know I must find resolve within myself but I can't seem to grab hold of anything that makes the hiccup of insecurity go away forever! If you have ever felt this way and have suggestions... please comment.