Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace?

Imagine your single friend meets someone. You hear all about him for months. How sweet he is, how good looking he is, how chivalrous he is, how good he is to her, etc. etc. etc. And you get excited. Thrilled. This is a dream come true. And then you met him, and he's well, not someone you would go for, but it doesn't really matter, your friend seems pretty happy, so you don't say anything.

They keep dating. You keep refraining from saying anything. Things are starting to get serious. Your ealize that your friend doesn't really seem as happy as she was at the beginning, but he's doing all the right things in terms of being "marriageable" (which as a woman in your mid to late twenties, is a key priority) and so you still don't say anything about your concerns.

And then the day comes when you get that e-mail/phone call/text message.

"We're engaged!!!"

And then you realize you're screwed.

a) You're stuck with a man in your life that you loathe and or think is not good enough or right for your girlfriend

b) You realize your friend is stuck with a man that is not good enough or right for her. (WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN A)

The question is: do you ever say anything? If your friend has gotten engaged to someone you perceive to be Mr. Wrong, do you speak, or do you forever hold your peace? When forever comes into play, is it better to be honest or politically correct?

All A Man Needs: Food, Sex and Laundry?

While waiting for a car wash today, Peanut and I stumbled upon a book entitled, "Will Marry for Food, Sex and Laundry." This book apparently teaches women how to land a husband: forget getting educated, developing interests and being a good life partner. If you can cook, clean and make yourself available for sex, ding, ding, ding, you've prepared yourself to snag Mr. Right.

At first I thought, why would a woman write a book like this? Although several other recent books by women have instructed women to play certain games (i.e. the Rules for one) they stopped short of instructing women to revert back to the 1950's entirely. And then I flipped over the book and got my answer: It was written by a man.

Although my instinct is that this book sets forth a bullshit philosophy that only pertains to a certain type of man (that we No Man Land readers and writers aren't interested in anyway), I can't help but entertain the following questions:

Has our quest for self-development and equality actually hindered our ability to find life partners? If that's the case, which is more important: a husband or an identity?

My Timeline or Yours?

Often times when we start dating, it is very difficult to pace yourself to the relationship rhythm of the other person. What's relationship rhythm? Well, I define it as the beat to which someone opens up emotionally, mentally, physically and logistically (the introduction to friends, and day to day life activities). If you open up fast, the other person can get overwhelmed; if you take your time, the other person can feel hesitation or disinterest on your part; if you try too hard to observe the other person's rhythm and mimic theirs, you may come off a bit in-genuine.

Relationship rhythm is a tricky little dance. Every relationship rhythm is based on an individual's own timeline.

When I was younger, I only thought about my timeline, what I wanted, needed and would often pick fights with my boyfriend if things weren't unfolding the way I expected them to. I would make negative meanings about small things because they didn't match my expectations. Three years ago during a breakup I become cognizant of the fact that the guy I was dating was very hurt by my lack of empathy for his position in the relationship... I hadn't given him room to develop emotionally, to pace himself mentally. I was very strict in my ways - you either get on my timeline or get out of my life!

After I developed this awareness about myself I wanted to immediately change. How awful of me to expect another human being to jump on my timeline right when they meet me. They are an equal partner in a relationship and they have their own life history and baggage. Everyone needs time. Intimacy cannot be created on demand. There is a flow. It needs to develop. And so I learned the hard way... through hurt feelings and lots of fights. I promised myself three years ago to not make a guy eat shit just because they aren't meeting me at every benchmark in life.

Recently, I was seeing a marvelous man, let's name him "Marvelous Mogul." He is everything I dreamed of as a little girl and more. I felt a natural sense of connection that, I can easily say, I hadn't felt with anyone so far in my life. MM was simply not in a place to be in a relationship, for his own valid reasons. It's been several weeks we have not talked. Strangely enough, I don't feel offended or hurt. Three or four years ago, I would have questioned him and picked fights about why he's not trying, why he's not calling. Doesn't he like me enough? Doesn't he find me interesting enough? Why can't he just make himself ready for a relationship? Why can't he just step up to it? Why!? Why???

Now, wiser, and more sensical... I acknowledge everyone has their own timeline. Just because it doesn't match mine doesn't make them a bad person. Doesn't mean they don't care about me. Doesn't really mean anything other than the fact that they aren't me and aren't on my timeline.

So now I find myself asking: When it comes time to mesh our lives together and exist as a couple - whose timeline do we follow? My timeline or yours?

How Patient Is Too Patient?

You meet him. He gets your number. And then it begins: the waiting game.

When will he call? After he calls, when will he call again? After you go out, should you call? Should you not call? What if he doesn't call for a few days? What if he doesn't want to make plans for another week? What if he does make plans, but doesn't seem like he is ready to commit? What if??

The minute you embark on that "we're dating" or "we're seeing each other" or, in the most ambiguous case, "we're getting somewhat naked but we don't have a title," journey, one things becomes abundantly clear: as a woman, if you want it to work, chances are you have to relinquish some level of control and let the man take the reins. The problem is, a lot of men these days are deathly afraid of commitment, so they have no idea what to do with the reins once they have them.

And so, you wait. You wait for the call. You withstand the urge to make plans. You do whatever you can to give him the sense of comfort you think he needs in order to step up to the plate and get the two of you out of the amorphous "we're spending time together and it's not platonic" phase and into the "we're a couple" phase. And it's not easy. Some lucky few are born with patience: the rest of us have to make a tremendous effort to wait elegantly.

In my dating experience, the thing I've learned is that the old adage is true: patience is certainly a virtue.

The question is: at what point do you cross the line and move from patient to pointless? Is there such a thing as being too patient and getting played?

Erasing an Ex: To unfriend, or not to unfriend on Facebook?

We've all been there. You meet someone, you fall in love, at some point you fall out of love, and the relationship ends (or sometimes the love doesn't end, but the relationship implodes). The question is: what happens next?

In a pre-digital world, erasing all traces of your ex was a pretty simple endeavor. A few shoe boxes of cards and photographs got ceremoniously burned and then voila, you're free.

Alas, things are no longer so simple. There are the initial steps of removing the physical traces which are easy enough, but then comes the digital hurdle. The digital photographs that take up half your hard drive, the thousands of e-mails cluttering your gmail account, the phone numbers in your cell, the bbm pin....

Assuming you go through the trouble of cutting down your jungle of digital memories, there's still one think left to do: decide whether or not to "unfriend" him on facebook.

And here is where things get really tricky. All the other steps you have taken can be taken privately. Your ex will have no idea that you donated the teddy bear he gave you to the salvation army, or that you put his valentine's day card through your paper shredder. It doesn't matter if you delete all thousand e-mails he sent you: he will have no idea.

The minute you "unfriend" him, chances are your ex-erasure will no longer be private. He'll know. Hell, everyone on facebook will know. Breaking up on facebook is in fact probably more public than your real breakup was.

The thing is: if you're no longer friends in person, why should you be friends on facebook? Why should you have access to each others pictures, thoughts, connections?

If you've deleted every other trace of your ex, is deleting your "ex" off facebook the logical next step?