Bullshit Your Boyfriend Says

"I think we should get a pitbull. They like to eat babies."

We've all been there at some point. You're having a perfectly lovely evening with your significant other when all of a sudden, he starts saying random, completely nonsensical bullshit. At first, you wonder, what the eff am I doing with this psycho? You cry, you fight, and then finally one day much later, you figure it out:

He bullshits when he is scared.

Ladies, welcome to the subspecies of the English language: Bullshit.

Whether it is coming from your boyfriend, a friend, a parent, sibling or co-worker, there are times when the person across from you loses sight of the old adage, "Say what you mean, and mean what you say."

Luckily, if you can stay calm, you can develop a bullshit decoder.

"I like pitbulls. They like to eat babies" translates to "I'm really not ready to start a family and when you talk about babies it freaks me out."

Bullshit decoders must be developed, and sadly cannot be bought. So, when bullshit rears its ugly head, take a breathe, wait, and be compassionate. Somewhere beneath the bullshit there is emotion that needs tending to.

Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace?

Imagine your single friend meets someone. You hear all about him for months. How sweet he is, how good looking he is, how chivalrous he is, how good he is to her, etc. etc. etc. And you get excited. Thrilled. This is a dream come true. And then you met him, and he's well, not someone you would go for, but it doesn't really matter, your friend seems pretty happy, so you don't say anything.

They keep dating. You keep refraining from saying anything. Things are starting to get serious. Your ealize that your friend doesn't really seem as happy as she was at the beginning, but he's doing all the right things in terms of being "marriageable" (which as a woman in your mid to late twenties, is a key priority) and so you still don't say anything about your concerns.

And then the day comes when you get that e-mail/phone call/text message.

"We're engaged!!!"

And then you realize you're screwed.

a) You're stuck with a man in your life that you loathe and or think is not good enough or right for your girlfriend

b) You realize your friend is stuck with a man that is not good enough or right for her. (WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN A)

The question is: do you ever say anything? If your friend has gotten engaged to someone you perceive to be Mr. Wrong, do you speak, or do you forever hold your peace? When forever comes into play, is it better to be honest or politically correct?

All A Man Needs: Food, Sex and Laundry?

While waiting for a car wash today, Peanut and I stumbled upon a book entitled, "Will Marry for Food, Sex and Laundry." This book apparently teaches women how to land a husband: forget getting educated, developing interests and being a good life partner. If you can cook, clean and make yourself available for sex, ding, ding, ding, you've prepared yourself to snag Mr. Right.

At first I thought, why would a woman write a book like this? Although several other recent books by women have instructed women to play certain games (i.e. the Rules for one) they stopped short of instructing women to revert back to the 1950's entirely. And then I flipped over the book and got my answer: It was written by a man.

Although my instinct is that this book sets forth a bullshit philosophy that only pertains to a certain type of man (that we No Man Land readers and writers aren't interested in anyway), I can't help but entertain the following questions:

Has our quest for self-development and equality actually hindered our ability to find life partners? If that's the case, which is more important: a husband or an identity?

My Timeline or Yours?

Often times when we start dating, it is very difficult to pace yourself to the relationship rhythm of the other person. What's relationship rhythm? Well, I define it as the beat to which someone opens up emotionally, mentally, physically and logistically (the introduction to friends, and day to day life activities). If you open up fast, the other person can get overwhelmed; if you take your time, the other person can feel hesitation or disinterest on your part; if you try too hard to observe the other person's rhythm and mimic theirs, you may come off a bit in-genuine.

Relationship rhythm is a tricky little dance. Every relationship rhythm is based on an individual's own timeline.

When I was younger, I only thought about my timeline, what I wanted, needed and would often pick fights with my boyfriend if things weren't unfolding the way I expected them to. I would make negative meanings about small things because they didn't match my expectations. Three years ago during a breakup I become cognizant of the fact that the guy I was dating was very hurt by my lack of empathy for his position in the relationship... I hadn't given him room to develop emotionally, to pace himself mentally. I was very strict in my ways - you either get on my timeline or get out of my life!

After I developed this awareness about myself I wanted to immediately change. How awful of me to expect another human being to jump on my timeline right when they meet me. They are an equal partner in a relationship and they have their own life history and baggage. Everyone needs time. Intimacy cannot be created on demand. There is a flow. It needs to develop. And so I learned the hard way... through hurt feelings and lots of fights. I promised myself three years ago to not make a guy eat shit just because they aren't meeting me at every benchmark in life.

Recently, I was seeing a marvelous man, let's name him "Marvelous Mogul." He is everything I dreamed of as a little girl and more. I felt a natural sense of connection that, I can easily say, I hadn't felt with anyone so far in my life. MM was simply not in a place to be in a relationship, for his own valid reasons. It's been several weeks we have not talked. Strangely enough, I don't feel offended or hurt. Three or four years ago, I would have questioned him and picked fights about why he's not trying, why he's not calling. Doesn't he like me enough? Doesn't he find me interesting enough? Why can't he just make himself ready for a relationship? Why can't he just step up to it? Why!? Why???

Now, wiser, and more sensical... I acknowledge everyone has their own timeline. Just because it doesn't match mine doesn't make them a bad person. Doesn't mean they don't care about me. Doesn't really mean anything other than the fact that they aren't me and aren't on my timeline.

So now I find myself asking: When it comes time to mesh our lives together and exist as a couple - whose timeline do we follow? My timeline or yours?

How Patient Is Too Patient?

You meet him. He gets your number. And then it begins: the waiting game.

When will he call? After he calls, when will he call again? After you go out, should you call? Should you not call? What if he doesn't call for a few days? What if he doesn't want to make plans for another week? What if he does make plans, but doesn't seem like he is ready to commit? What if??

The minute you embark on that "we're dating" or "we're seeing each other" or, in the most ambiguous case, "we're getting somewhat naked but we don't have a title," journey, one things becomes abundantly clear: as a woman, if you want it to work, chances are you have to relinquish some level of control and let the man take the reins. The problem is, a lot of men these days are deathly afraid of commitment, so they have no idea what to do with the reins once they have them.

And so, you wait. You wait for the call. You withstand the urge to make plans. You do whatever you can to give him the sense of comfort you think he needs in order to step up to the plate and get the two of you out of the amorphous "we're spending time together and it's not platonic" phase and into the "we're a couple" phase. And it's not easy. Some lucky few are born with patience: the rest of us have to make a tremendous effort to wait elegantly.

In my dating experience, the thing I've learned is that the old adage is true: patience is certainly a virtue.

The question is: at what point do you cross the line and move from patient to pointless? Is there such a thing as being too patient and getting played?

Erasing an Ex: To unfriend, or not to unfriend on Facebook?

We've all been there. You meet someone, you fall in love, at some point you fall out of love, and the relationship ends (or sometimes the love doesn't end, but the relationship implodes). The question is: what happens next?

In a pre-digital world, erasing all traces of your ex was a pretty simple endeavor. A few shoe boxes of cards and photographs got ceremoniously burned and then voila, you're free.

Alas, things are no longer so simple. There are the initial steps of removing the physical traces which are easy enough, but then comes the digital hurdle. The digital photographs that take up half your hard drive, the thousands of e-mails cluttering your gmail account, the phone numbers in your cell, the bbm pin....

Assuming you go through the trouble of cutting down your jungle of digital memories, there's still one think left to do: decide whether or not to "unfriend" him on facebook.

And here is where things get really tricky. All the other steps you have taken can be taken privately. Your ex will have no idea that you donated the teddy bear he gave you to the salvation army, or that you put his valentine's day card through your paper shredder. It doesn't matter if you delete all thousand e-mails he sent you: he will have no idea.

The minute you "unfriend" him, chances are your ex-erasure will no longer be private. He'll know. Hell, everyone on facebook will know. Breaking up on facebook is in fact probably more public than your real breakup was.

The thing is: if you're no longer friends in person, why should you be friends on facebook? Why should you have access to each others pictures, thoughts, connections?

If you've deleted every other trace of your ex, is deleting your "ex" off facebook the logical next step?

92 Days and Counting...

When we started No Man Land, I was trying to bounce back from the end of my relationship with Mr. Wrong. Now, I am on the verge of walking down the aisle with Mr. Right. In 92 days to be exact. With our 4th of July wedding now within striking distance, I'm returning to my old stomping grounds, No Man Land, to document the adventure. So, despite my entries being a little less about finding a man and a little more about managing a life with one, I hope you will bear with me. If nothing else, hopefully this will help me feel a bit more inspired to go to the gym. A size 4 Carolina Hererra wedding gown demands it.

Dear Mister Blind Date

Dear Mister Blind Date, Mister FaceBook friend, and really any other Mister sitting across the dinner table from me:

I am tired of your bullshit. Yes, I have a degree. Yes, I am a good person. I have interests, lots of friends, goals and dreams. I don’t care to share them with you anymore nor do I care to hear what yours are. Quite frankly, it doesn’t make a difference. You know we will never work out. We both know that having conversation and exchanging facts won’t lead anywhere because someone has to take a leap of faith and open up – emotionally, physically, whatever… just be fuckin real dawg. And we both know you’re scared… because yes I am scary. I will judge you; that’s right your impressive resume doesn’t phase me – print it out, fold it up, stick it in an envelope and send it to someone who doesn’t have a pile of them at home from all the other dates they’ve been on. No, I don’t want to talk about how cool your wallet is, how your favorite brand is Armani Exchange or how fuckin good the wine is. I know the wine is good… when you have a hot girl sitting in front of you, all wine is good!!

Look the truth is, I’m scared of you as much as you are scared of me. So let’s face it… dating is just not for us… in order for us to get to know each other better we need to have real fun and quite frankly I don’t envision you as that person. And I realize Mister super hot hip young guy, that you don’t envision me that way either… because I come off as a conservative uptight goal oriented super intimidating woman. Oh, what’s that… I am amazing? You’ve never met anyone like me before? How great. Suck it. I feel like that about myself every morning when I look in the mirror and somehow your lack of follow through makes your compliment rather offensive. Because if you really felt that way, you would grow a pair. If a fuckin stool can grow a pair, so can you! (see attached pic)

So, Mister “Let’s go on a date”…. My answer is NO! I won’t go out with you to chat about fucking life. Clearly, you don’t even know anything about life, because you aren’t ready for it and what you say now really doesn’t say much about who you will be in possibly a short few months from now. So if you want to go out, you better be able to throw back a few shots, dance and show me a truly fun time. Because I am done dating and sitting across the table from you pretending like we’re trying to get to know each other. The only thing I am quite sure of, is that our conversation, chitter chatter, you opening doors for me, giving me your fuckin sweater and paying for the bill really doesn’t make you any different than the date I went on a few weeks ago, or even last night. I am almost 27 years old, and in woman years that’s only 3 more years till dooms day. So I am done wasting my time being open and "seriously" trying to get to know you. In fact I don’t want to fuckin know anything about you because honestly, I haven't been having any fun dating you or the many others before you in the past year and I demand fun… and if you can’t show it to me, then I am not interested!

With sincere sincerity,

Peanut

The Case of the Lost Dildo

Sunday morning I woke up to find that my dildo/vibrator which usually sleeps right under my pillow was gone! Where could it be?

I searched all around the bed, underneath, in the bathroom, the drawers, behind a shelf and cabinet... no where to be found. This rather large toy, which I now desperately miss, is lost. So I started thinking and worrying.... did someone find it? It hit me! The housekeeper was here recently and she made my bed and cleaned my room. It had to be her! I started to imagine what could have happened... and I thought of only three possible scenarios:

Scenario #1

Housekeeper finds the dildo, looks at it, doesn't know what it is and puts it somewhere in the house thinking it doesn't belong in the bed. [Since I live with the family, this scenario could definitely be an awkward one!]

Scenario #2

Housekeeper finds the dildo, knows exactly what it is, whispers in Spanish: Lord forgive her and trashes it.

Scenario #3

Housekeeper finds the dildo, looks at it, doesn't know what it is so she asks someone who was home (possibly mom or dad) and somehow it gets trashed.

Whatever the situation may be... the sad part is... I had developed a relationship with it and it was $50!

Ain't no sunshine... Or is There?

But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,

And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away.

Can we actually produce a similar feeling to that of the sun shining down on you, warming you up? Can darkness be felt in our absence? Or this is just a sappy song written for sappy romantics?

In the movie Juno, when she sees the soon to be parents of her soon to be born baby get into a fight and decide to divorce... she starts to question relationships. Is there hope for a long lasting relationship? True love that never dies? Her dad advises her that there ain't no guarantees in life... but that she should find someone who loves her for who she is: the good, bad & the ugly... it would be best to be with someone who thinks that the sun shines out of your ass no matter what. Does the sun shine out our ass?

Apparently, it does. But only for a special few who see it. Recently, I've been doing some digging. I've been digging deep trying to find what love is for me. Why I feel comfortable with some guys and not with others. Is what I think I want out of a guy also parallel to what I need? Then I stumbled across a very unique thought that I had never had before: I need to be with a guy who has the sun shining out of his ass, no matter what he does. For some illogical reason, I put some guys on a pedestal and think they are as special as any one person can be. This I have come to realize is one ingredient of a loving relationship. After discussing with Jelly, I learned she thinks her fiance is definitely the sunshine in her life and she is for him. So, I suppose we can create sunshine. We can lighten up the world for other people... but I guess you could say some people just have too much SPF on to feel your sunlight. It's about finding the right one for you.