Holding My Breath

In yoga, the instructor always mentions the breath. Move with your breath. Follow your breath. Focus on your breath.

In my practice, as I move from one position to another... with the instructor's voice in the background, "Breathe in & move into warrior 1... breathe out," I always always find that my breaths are just shorter than that of the average person. I actually sometimes hear people breathing and I think, "Wow! They can really breathe out for a long time." So in order to sync myself with the class, I always end up holding my breath in between: Breathe in, hold...breathe out, hold...

As you all may remember, I set a goal for myself to make patience my #1 virtue (read post: http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/10/patience-is-my-1-virtue.html). In the recent year I have injected a little bit of patience here and a little there... but when push comes to shove, I am just not a patient person. Recently, I started dating a guy. We have been out 6 or 7 times now and as you may tell from my last post, I yearn for more and more to come faster and faster and to know what's gonna happen next. I get it, it's not good. So I held back... in an effort to not come on too strong I was criticized by him for not showing any affection or interest. Was I sending the wrong message? Here I am trying to be patient and hands off, while this guy is expecting me to be more aggressive!?!?

As I hold my breath, day after day... trying to be patient with the process, I honestly feel confused. Do I play the game? Do I act like myself? I mean the fact is, I can't hold my breath forever... I am naturally impatient. The man who ends up with me is gonna find out sooner or later!

Yogis believe you should move at your own pace, but if my pace is naturally faster than others, should I hold my breath to sync with the one I am dating or should I be true to my own natural rhythms?

My closing thought:

This morning in yoga I was really thinking about last night's awkward interaction with the guy I am dating. I'm not gonna lie, I panicked last night and slipped into teenage girl mode: OMG It's totally over, I can't believe this! But as I slowed down to process what was going on this morning I started to realize that I am actually clueless about what is going on on his end of things, but on my end of things... I've definitely lost my life's balance since he came around. He has thrown me off my equilibrium and I have become sorta unable to 'hold my breath' and sorta unable to make clear decisions about what my reactions and actions should be. When I first started my business back in 2006, I remember feeling the exact same way. Every thing was a time bomb waiting to explode! Every little thing that went wrong was the end of my business... a catastrophe waiting to happen. I was unable to make clear decisions about my reactions and my business. I was a kid. I didn't know what I was doing. As time passed I gained experience, I learned how to make decisions and gained trust in my decisions. What I realized in yoga this morning, probably in the seconds I was holding my breath and slipped away in my thoughts, is that I am sorta a kid when it comes to dating and building long lasting relationships. I don't trust my ability to make clear decisions. I am always confused as to whether or not there is a trick to things or if I should follow my gut. Should I call? Should I not? Should I tell him this or that? If building a business is anything like building a relationship, then I know that I will get to that place where I feel confident in my abilities and trust my decisions one day. Maybe that day is not today or next week... I guess I will just have to hold my breath and wait it out.