"Stepping it Up": A Tribute to Amazing People

Step up to the plate and be a man. God knows how old this saying is, but whoever came up with it knew a little about life...

Lately, I have this urge to step up to the plate, step up to the challenges that life brings, to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better business woman, and live a better life than I lived just a moment ago. Sometimes, in life we are lucky enough to have a certain someone make us feel this urge... Jelly and her man have this special kind of relationship. Last weekend Jelly's man proposed! Yes, ladies... she finally found the cure to LMS. No more LMS for Sexy Jelly - Jelly is officially engaged!

From the very beginning their relationship represented the exact feeling I described above. Jelly had an urge to become a better person because of him... as they grew together, their love grew, and you could say they both grew from guy & girl to man & woman, soon to be husband & wife. Jelly made a man out of her man. He sure stepped up to the plate -- proposing without a bit of the common pressure girls put on their guys; deciding for himself that Jelly is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Jelly, the delightful woman she has become over the past 2 years, was honored and this engagement has been so special: a true representation of how wonderful life could be with someone who knows how to step up to the plate, who knows how to recognize amazingness in their significant other, who knows how to be an amazing person. Don't ever undervalue this kind of quality in anyone... people who can step up to the plate are the people who make a difference in people's lives, a little difference in the world and make life better for themselves and for those around them.

I am so proud of Jelly and her fiance for the wonderful people that they are and for the wonderful life they are going to have together. I am so excited to share it with them as they change the world, if not just a little, with their amazingness together. I heart you Jelly!

Congrats on your engagement... all my love, Peanut.

Dating A Banker Anonymous

Apparently ladies, if you live in NY and are dating a banker, there is a support group just for you. Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA for short) allows women to dress up, gather at meetings, drink martini's and commisurate over the fact that their once uber rich boyfriends/fiances/husbands are now, in light of the economic meltdown, not so rich (which apparently upsets the entire relationship, since these women got involved pricely for their partner's spoils...)

Reading about this group, which of course, has a corresponding blog, http://dabagirls.com/, I couldn't help but be proud of our little group here at No Man Land...

Here is the blurb from their blog:

"Are you or someone you love dating a banker? If so, we are here to support you through these difficult times. Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA) is a safe place where women can come together – free from the scrutiny of feminists– and share their tearful tales of how the mortgage meltdown has affected their relationships. DABA Girls was started by two best friends whose relationships tanked with the economy. Not knowing what else to do, we did what frustrated but articulate girls have done since the beginning of time - we started a blog. So if your monthly Bergdorf’s allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared from your life, lighten your heart with laughter and email your stories to dabagirls@gmail.com. Warning all stories sent will be infused with our own special brand of DABA Girl humor."

I'm not saying that No Man Land is a feminist blog by any means, but, we certainly have evolved well past the DABA girls, that's for certain.

A true relationship is one that weathers the storm - not one that only survives on a beach in Sam Tropez... What the DABA girls really need is a No Man Land lesson or two...

Mr. Perfect on Paper

Career? Check. Good family? Check. Tall? Check. Educated? Check. Rich? Check. Right social circle? Check. Right ethnity? Check. Right religion? Check.

Mr. Right? Wrong.

Everyone has experienced Mr. Perfect on Paper. He's the one that has all the prerequisites, and yet is completely uninspiring, annoying, shallow, or just plain wrong for you. The problem is, the older we get, the more expectations we gather, and therefore eliminate most men that aren't Mr. Perfect on Paper. The problem is - as I've said - Mr. Perfect on Paper is oftentimes Mr. All Wrong.

It is a fine line between knowing your needs, and systematically excluding men because they don't match your list of do's and don'ts. If you are too narrow in your scope, you might just end up on date after date with Mr. Perfects on Paper, never actually finding Mr. Perfect in the Flesh.

Next time you meet someone who isn't Perfect on Paper, give him a chance. You never know, you might surprise yourself and throw your old checklist out.

I Want to Be With You?

We've all been there. You're in a relationship and the guy your with is making things difficult. He isn't being flexible. He isn't changing. He doesn't want to meet your needs - no matter how much you try to get him to. But yet, he says he loves you. And so you stay.

Or, there is the guy who stops calling even though "everything was perfect." The one who failed to say, "All I Want is You" but never gave you a reason.

We all fantasize about the man that says, "you name the terms - all I want is you" but is that really what we want? Maybe we've been lucky, all this time, that he didn't change, that he didn't bend and brake to be what we wanted, because maybe, when the luster wore off, he'd be upset about the man he became for you. Maybe we are actually lucky that things didn't work out - even if we didn't get an explanation - because he really wasn't as great a fit as we thought.

Perhaps the man we want is the one who just fits, without you having to name the terms. The one whose terms meet your terms. The one who seizes the opportunity to grow with you and meet your needs, but fundamentally is your match. The one who doesn't run away because he sees the value in the relationship as much as you do.

Fall in love with the one who you accept - as is. Chances are, he'll be the one to accept who you are - as is. Then the relationship will be on both of your terms.

34 Is the New Sexy

Eva Mendes, Actress, 34

Well ladies, it seems that the good times have yet to come (punn only semi-intended.) According to this study, women bring sexy back at 34...

Women feel they are sexiest at 34

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/HealthSci/Women_feel_they_are_sexiest_at_34/rssarticleshow/3810703.cms
LONDON: Being sexy is often perceived to be a key essence of femininity. And, now a new study has found that women feel most sexy at the age of 34. Researchers have based their findings on a survey of over 1,000 women who were questioned about their sex lives - the majority of respondents said that it was at the age of 34 when they had felt more sexy. The survey also revealed that middle-aged women have half as much sex as they did when they were younger - in fact the researchers found that that on average women aged 45 to 60 have sex 4.5 times a month, compared to 10.4 times a month in their 20s and 30s. However, 56% of the respondents said they enjoyed it now more than they did when they were younger, British newspaper the Daily Telegraph reported. Sex and relationship advisor Dr Catherine Hood said: “Many of us make the assumption that older people have less sex than the young, and this research appears to confirm this. However, it does show that women are still enjoying great sex lives as they get older. “Women’s sexual needs, libido and lifestyle change over time, but there is absolutely no reason why older women can’t enjoy an extremely fulfiling sex life in their middle age and well into their senior years. “The fact that over half of those quizzed said they had better sex now than in their 20s and 30s suggests that these women are more confident and self-assured than they were in their younger days and aren’t afraid of getting what they want.” The research commissioned by moisturiser brand Astral questioned 1,031 women about their sex lives.

What Women Want

In this excerpt from a newspaper in 1928, columnist LUCIEN LELONG, wrote about what women want as gifts for the holidays in 1928...

"I shall not speak about men at this time. Any clever woman knows well what any man wants. But for her critical sisters it is more difficult. I have had no small occasions to observe the ladies, and I find that in most cases they love best the small extravagance of life. Only the unimaginative like the utilitarian gift. A bottle of perfume, a scarf, a jewel, a bag, powder, rouge, a negligee, a flower, anything that is not an actual necessity, but a charming extravagance, is an agreeable gift to almost any woman."

Her wisdom though, as shown in the full article below, is in in how she is able to suggest different gifts for different women. To chose the right gift, you really must know the woman you are buying for... A gift can show you just how well someone knows you, and just how important it is to them to make you happy.

When your man buys you a gift, it is not the extravagance you should note... It is the appropriateness. Find a man who buys a gift that you actually love, and ladies, the greater gift you receive may be the realiziation that you just may have found the right man.

See here for the full article, which I've also posted below (it was too good not to!)http://blogs2.startribune.com/blogs/oldnews/archives/195?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUUsr

Women Love Luxury Gifts at Christmas
Small Extravagance IsMost Certain to Please,Says Lelong
By LUCIEN LELONG

What are we going to do about Christmas this year?

That question has found lodgment in the minds of most of us. Happiness at this season is a right not to be denied, and I think the shortest route to happiness for all is the right gift for the right person.

This is easy, as simple as sunrise and as inevitable, if you know what the recipient of the gift you buy really wants. I don’t mean extravagant things. Supposing everybody secretly longs for a diamond necklace, a yacht or a castle in Spain. That is not the whole story. Those same people who yearn for these impossible (to most of us) gifts also wish just as sincerely for something that is quite simply within reach.

Small Extravagances Liked

I shall not speak about men at this time. Any clever woman knows well what any man wants. But for her critical sisters it is more difficult. I have had no small occasions to observe the ladies, and I find that in most cases they love best the small extravagance of life. Only the unimaginative like the utilitarian gift. A bottle of perfume, a scarf, a jewel, a bag, powder, rouge, a negligee, a flower, anything that is not an actual necessity, but a charming extravagance, is an agreeable gift to almost any woman.

She may buy any or all of these things for herself, but the gift-giver, a diviner, selects something different, and thereby masters the secret of successful giving. We all yearn for what discretion and practical reasons may prevent us choosing for ourselves.

If you are choosing perfume – and what woman doesn’t like it? – select a scent that is famous and fine. Jewels that are novelties, in reach of most of you, may be chosen for their chic, which is extremely important, as for instance the new metal daytime jewelry, or crystals, or rosequartz. Type and style will depend on the person to receive them.

In selecting scarfs as gifts you will choose between sports scarfs, daytime or evening scarfs, and you will be guided by the interests of the friend for whom you choose a gift.
And bags. A capacious bag which carries a small but useful umbrella for the woman who goes out every day – an evening bag of fine old brocade for the lady who loves the correct things for evening. Choose felt flowers for the sports woman, and fragile flowers for the friend in love. Pajamas are the smartest of gifts for certain ladies, and negligees for others.

Study your friend first and select the gift afterward. This gift research will repay you in happiness for having chosen the right thing at the right time.

It's Harry's Fault After All

A while back, Peanut posted about the purpose of guy friends, see http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2008/06/purpose-of-guy-friends.html, citing When Harry Met Sally, a movie we often debate about.

Well, it turns out, we debate over that seminal romantic comedy for good reason: romantic comedies are partly to blame for women's unrealistic expectations when it comes to love and relationships. That's right ladies: Rom-Coms are ruining your love life.

Rather than trying to achieve some lonely screenwriter's ideal, get to know yourself and find someone who fulfills your most fundamental needs. The relationship that ensues may be far from perfect, but it will be real, and more than that it will be yours. Yours to improve upon, grow through, and enjoy. If you merely co-opt Hollywood's portrayal of perfect, you'll just end up alone, disillusioned and most importantly, unfulfilled.

No Man Land Rule: Leave the Hollywood ideal for Bennifer and Brangelina: craft your own fantasy relationship

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Rom-coms 'spoil your love life'

For the full article, click here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7784366.stm.

Watching romantic comedies can spoil your love life, a study by a university in Edinburgh has claimed.

Rom-coms have been blamed by relationship experts at Heriot Watt University for promoting unrealistic expectations when it comes to love.

They found fans of films such as Runaway Bride and Notting Hill often fail to communicate with their partner.

Many held the view if someone is meant to be with you, then they should know what you want without you telling them.

Psychologists at the family and personal relationships laboratory at the university studied 40 top box office hits between 1995 and 2005, and identified common themes which they believed were unrealistic.

The movies included You've Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping.

The university's Dr Bjarne Holmes said: "Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it. We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people's minds. The problem is that while most of us know that the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by media portrayals than we realise."

I'm A Goal Digger

Last night my boyfriend and I were joking around that I'm planning on marrying him for his money... i.e. that I'm a gold digger.

His response: "No baby, you are a goal digger."

And you know what, he is absolutely right. I am with him because I dig the fact that my boyfriend, Mr. Neighbor, has goals. Every day, he sets new goals for himself and in due time he always accomplishes them. He does more than just reach for gold: he makes choices that he knows will give him personal fulfillment in addition to financial gain. I strive for the same balance now in my own life, looking beyond the bottom line and finding goals that truly elevate my happiness.

He has shown me that gold is just a distraction - though necessary, not always as fulfilling as one might expect (which is why we've both implemented shopping moratoriums - but that is for another post).

No Man Land Rule: Don't be distracted by pretty shiny things: be a goal digger, not a gold digger.

Mind the Gaps (Don't Fill Them In)

This post is in response to your last one Peanut, about Mindfulness. I was going to post a comment - but I believe that an actual post is in order.

Peanut, I urge you to mind the gaps. Don't fill them in. Let me explain.

Reading your last post, I realized that you are in the process of committing the cardinal sin of dating (one that we all unfortunately fall prey to): you are unilaterally going back and analyzing the past, and in the process, filling in all the gaps to try to understand what went wrong.

It is truly heart-breaking when a relationship that is going so well seemingly dissapates overnight. And of course, we all have a tendency to find a way to blame ourselves - as you did, when you went into your analysis.

It is quite possible that you did nothing wrong at all - that things just didn't work out. Although I totally agree with you that it is important to live in the moment and be mindful - I don't believe going back and retracing your every step on every date is mindfulness - I think in fact it is the opposite.

We all need to be wary of filling in the gaps when things don't work out. It only leads to an endless amount of analysis, that is almost always at our own expense.

So my love, keep in this moment by realizing that he was the luckiest and so will the next man to enter into your life. The only difference is - the next one will hopefully realize just how lucky he is.

The Importance of Mindfulness in Dating

Mindfulness is used a lot in yoga and is a synonym for living consciously. To live consciously you have to be present at each moment of your life. At first this may seem silly and you may think ,"Yeah I am always present." Although it may feel that you are present physically, mentally and emotionally... you are often not. If you are like me, just an average human being, you will probably notice that you spend a lot of moments thinking about something that you need to do, analyzing something you did, imagining or fantasizing about something you want, numb or just wishing you could be in another moment. But to be mindful means to actually hear your thoughts as they appear, to observe your feelings as they arise, accept each moment as it is and if someone else is talking to listen consciously to the person instead of being engaged in things that my arise within you.

I find that when I get nervous, scared or too excited I am not mindful, rather I am all wrapped up in my feeling and everything that I say or do is just reactionary and not mindful at all. In fact, I often may say or do things that I don't even mean to say or do. And in retrospect, I wonder why on earth I did.

Okay okay... enough with the psychological and spiritual talk. What does this have to do with dating? Well, in the recent months I have been doing a lot of dating... first it was 1-2 dates with a few different people and then one guy for a short month. This morning as I a lay in my bed hungover from my big turkey meal I started to recall a few instances where I was out with the guy I dated for a month and I said things that were, well, not so friendly - mostly ego bashing to be perfectly honest. Why? Why on earth would I be mean to someone I was interested in. As I started to remember the details of that night, I remember feeling nervous, insecure and more importantly I was not in a mindful place at all. I reacted on my nervous and insecure feelings almost the whole night without even knowing it at the time. In retrospect, I wish I had been more mindful... I wish I had observed my insecure feelings and just let them hang out on the side of my night, instead of takeover. It's easy to be mindful when you are in an enclosed quiet space doing yoga with your eyes closed... and much more challenging to be mindful when you have several external activities that are creating negative feelings to rise leaving you weak and vulnerable. I could easily say that this was one of the first times I, as an adult, have been nervous around a guy. Why this person made me nervous calls for a whole nother discussion. But, if it happened to me, I am 100% sure it happens to everyone and what a shame. Then I quickly recalled Bill Nye the Science Guy... on my second date with him, he talked and talked and talked my ear off about himself and it was possibly one of the most draining dates that I have been on. He was probably being overly-obnoxious because he was so nervous. Although I am not quite sure why he was nervous, the point is... if only he were a little more mindful, he would have given me a chance to talk (like he does on the phone or online).

How many dates do we kill by not being mindful? It may have been my first time being super nervous around a guy, but I am sure it is a common problem for a lot of people. The lesson is don't ruin the moment by not being in it.

If I could, I would apologize to my guy... sorry for saying stupid things I didn't mean. I actually did have a lot on my mind that I should have shared, but I guess I was just too nervous and not mindful enough. Since I can only learn now from my mistakes, I am going to be more mindful in each moment in my life... and since I recently had a struggle on date, I am going to start by practicing to be more mindful on my next date. Just show up and be present.