Dear Mister Blind Date, Mister FaceBook friend, and really any other Mister sitting across the dinner table from me:
I am tired of your bullshit. Yes, I have a degree. Yes, I am a good person. I have interests, lots of friends, goals and dreams. I don’t care to share them with you anymore nor do I care to hear what yours are. Quite frankly, it doesn’t make a difference. You know we will never work out. We both know that having conversation and exchanging facts won’t lead anywhere because someone has to take a leap of faith and open up – emotionally, physically, whatever… just be fuckin real dawg. And we both know you’re scared… because yes I am scary. I will judge you; that’s right your impressive resume doesn’t phase me – print it out, fold it up, stick it in an envelope and send it to someone who doesn’t have a pile of them at home from all the other dates they’ve been on. No, I don’t want to talk about how cool your wallet is, how your favorite brand is Armani Exchange or how fuckin good the wine is. I know the wine is good… when you have a hot girl sitting in front of you, all wine is good!!
Look the truth is, I’m scared of you as much as you are scared of me. So let’s face it… dating is just not for us… in order for us to get to know each other better we need to have real fun and quite frankly I don’t envision you as that person. And I realize Mister super hot hip young guy, that you don’t envision me that way either… because I come off as a conservative uptight goal oriented super intimidating woman. Oh, what’s that… I am amazing? You’ve never met anyone like me before? How great. Suck it. I feel like that about myself every morning when I look in the mirror and somehow your lack of follow through makes your compliment rather offensive. Because if you really felt that way, you would grow a pair. If a fuckin stool can grow a pair, so can you! (see attached pic)
So, Mister “Let’s go on a date”…. My answer is NO! I won’t go out with you to chat about fucking life. Clearly, you don’t even know anything about life, because you aren’t ready for it and what you say now really doesn’t say much about who you will be in possibly a short few months from now. So if you want to go out, you better be able to throw back a few shots, dance and show me a truly fun time. Because I am done dating and sitting across the table from you pretending like we’re trying to get to know each other. The only thing I am quite sure of, is that our conversation, chitter chatter, you opening doors for me, giving me your fuckin sweater and paying for the bill really doesn’t make you any different than the date I went on a few weeks ago, or even last night. I am almost 27 years old, and in woman years that’s only 3 more years till dooms day. So I am done wasting my time being open and "seriously" trying to get to know you. In fact I don’t want to fuckin know anything about you because honestly, I haven't been having any fun dating you or the many others before you in the past year and I demand fun… and if you can’t show it to me, then I am not interested!
With sincere sincerity,
Peanut
