Monday, May 26, 2008

Heartbreaker (Literally)

Mariah Carey once crooned in her hit song, "Heartbreaker,"

"Heartbreaker you've got the best of me
But I just keep coming back incessantly
Oh why did you have to run your game on me?
I should of known right from the start
You'd go and break my heart"

It turns out, "coming back incessantly" i.e. marrying the heartbreaker (leading to a lousy marriage) can actually break your heart. Literally, via heart disease. Oh yeah, and by not letting the bastard know he effed up during your marrriage, you could break your own heart. Fantastic.

A few takeaway points, if you are pressed for time:

1) Women who keep silent during marital arguments had an increased risk of dying compared with wives who expressed their feelings during fights.

2) Being married is generally better for you than being single (health wise) but an unhealthy marriage can be even worse than being alone.

So chose wisely when chosing the "one", and once you do, refrain from being passive aggressive and speak up when you are hurt. You could end up breaking your own heart if you don't.

Study: Bad marriage could damage heart


CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- A lousy marriage might literally make you sick.
Marital strife and other bad personal relationships can raise your risk for heart disease, researchers reported Monday.
What it likely boils down to is stress -- a well-known contributor to health problems, as well as a potential byproduct of troubled relationships, the scientists said.

In a study of 9,011 British civil servants, most of them married, those with the worst close relationships were 34 percent more likely to have heart attacks or other heart trouble during 12 years of follow-up than those with good relationships. That included partners, close relatives and friends.

The study, in Monday's Archives of Internal Medicine, follows previous research that has linked health problems with being single and having few close relationships. In the new study, researchers focused more on the quality of marriage and other important relationships.

"What we add here is that, 'OK, being married is in general good, but be careful about the kind of person you have married.' The quality of the relationship matters," said lead author Roberto De Vogli, a researcher with University College in London.

De Vogli said his research team is doing tests to see whether study participants with bad relationships have any biological evidence of stress that could contribute to heart disease. That includes inflammation and elevated levels of stress hormones.

Another recent study also looked at quality of relationships but had different results. There was no association between marital woes in general and risks for heart disease or early death. But it did find, over a 10-year follow-up, that women who keep silent during marital arguments had an increased risk of dying compared with wives who expressed their feelings during fights. What appeared to matter more for men was just being married; married men were less likely to die during the follow-up than single men.

That study, of nearly 4,000 men and women, was published online in July in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine.

In De Vogli's study, men and women with bad relationships faced equal risks. Volunteers filled out questionnaires asking them to rate the person to whom they felt closest on several measures. These included questions about to what extent does that person "give you worries, problems and stress?"

They also were asked about whether they felt they could confide in that person, or whether talking with that person made them feel worse.

Over the following 12 years, 589 participants had heart attacks or other heart problems. Those with the highest negative scores on the questionnaire had the highest risks, even taking into account other factors related to heart disease such as obesity, high blood pressure and smoking.
James Coyne, a University of Pennsylvania psychology professor who also has examined the health impact of social relationships, said De Vogli's results "make intuitive sense." But he said the study found only a weak association that doesn't prove bad relationships can cause heart disease. "It is still not clear what to recommend," Coyne said.
"Do we tell people who have negative relationships to get therapy? They may have other reasons to do so, but I see no basis for them doing so only to avoid a heart attack," Coyne said.
Ending a bad marriage is not necessarily the answer either, he said, given evidence that being unmarried also could be a risk.

Friday, May 23, 2008

All Is Fair in Love and War?


Although we've all heard this quote a million times (and most probably ventured to use it a time or two ourselves) I've never stopped to consider, where does this adage come from? Well, thanks to some Internet research, I've discovered that it traces back to John Lyly's 'Euphues' (1578). The original quote was "The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war." Mr. Lyly was an author during the Renaissance.

The question is: why put love and war, so seemingly different concepts into the same little idiom? It seems that in both instances, passion is the fuel, and when passion is ignited, there is oftentimes no containing the fire... or the collateral damage.

If all is fair in love, that means that cheating, lying, and causing pain are all a ok. And with regard to war, that means that even the atom bomb is justified. If all is fair, there is no tactic off limits.

And for that reason, I argue that there are in fact rules. That all is not fair in love or war. That there are certain, fundamental decencies that must transcend the passionate rage that is oftentimes love, and more oftentimes war.

No Man Land Rule: Be fair in love and war. Otherwise you might just end up with "the war of the roses"

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Hats Off to Sexy Jelly, Esquire

Jelly graduated this weekend from law school. I know that everyone graduates... I don't know maybe I am a little nutty (I am the peanut after all), but I feel this is a special moment. Not only is Jelly done with 3 years of hard work in law school, but she has grown as a person tremendously over the past three years. As her best friend, I have to say it has been a pleasure to watch her grow into such a beautiful woman. Her contributions to No Man Land are only a glimpse into how creative, talented, thoughtful and intelligent she really is. I am proud to be her friend and want to say CONGRATS SEXY JELLY, ESQUIRE... my world is a safer place with you as a lawyer.

May this next year bring many new and exciting experiences!!! Cheers to Jelly!

PP (The Power of the Pussy)


That's right... Don't forget that we are always in control... we decide when and how things will go down.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?



There are those who pick a concrete career (lawyer, doctor, psychologist, archaeologist, etc) and go to school for it, then start applying what they learned in school to help others in the world. But then there are the rest of us -- we kind of like this, we kind of like that and we studied something sort of broad in college (English, History, Philosophy, Music, Business... etc.).


Well I am in the second half. I know what I don't like for sure! I know what I am kind of interested in, but what am I supposed to do? Create my own job out of thin air? Also, it's one of those situations where you don't really know until you do it. I.e. I wanted to be a business owner after I quit my corporate job a few years ago... now that I am, I realized I don't really like to manage a big group of people -- I am not really good at it (amongst other things that I have learned about myself). I guess you can look at it as a good learning experience. But what if I spend the rest of my life in string of "good learning experiences" and never establish a stable income and skill for myself?


I am turning 26 years old this year and I feel like I have to start all over again in my quest for: "What do I want to be when I grow up." Does this ever end for people like us? How do we go about finding what we are good at so we could utilize our best abilities to make a great living for ourselves and to contribute to society in a way that is somewhat fulfilling for us?

What Methods of Safe Sex are Acceptable?

Girl 1: "So last week I had sex, I was too drunk to realize that I had totally unprotected sex."
Girl 2: "What!!!???!! What do you mean? Did he cum inside of you? Did he pull out? He didn't wear a condom?"
Girl 1: "No, no condom... he pulled out."
Girl 2: "Are you nervous?!..."
Girl 1: "No, not really it's done. What am I going to do now? I just don't think about it. I put it out of my mind..."
Girl 2: "Well I had sex with this guy and he didn't use a condom in the first few minutes, but then he put one on... but I am a little worried, because it was close to my ovulation days."
Girl 3: "You keep track of your ovulation days! You are such a dork!"
Girl 3: (who is on birth control) "Well, I think you guys both made a mistake, any kind of condomless sex, even though they didn't finish off inside of you, is considered unsafe to me!"

As Girl 1 and Girl 2 are desperately awaiting the arrival of their period... I started to think to myself, life for us women is a little tough. It's not always easy to adhere to the 100% safe way.


We know that to be 100% safe, you should either be on birth control AND use a condom or for those of us not on birth control, use a condom throughout the entire session, lub yourself up with spermicide and maybe even pull out at the end and just cum in the condom? Avoid sex completely during your ovulation days?

There are so many methods to safe sex... the condomless pull out method, the I am on birth control so it's okay to just go ahead and ejaculate in me technique, the condom throughout the whole sex method, diaphragm, the ring, the pill, Saran wrap? and I am sure there are more creative ways I have not thought of.

What constitutes an acceptable method of safe sex?

** After I posted this I realized that I assumed unsafe would result in pregnancy. I totally overlooked all the other things: HIV, HPV, all different kinds of STDs you can obtain from unprotected sex. So when you read this... what I mean is what constitutes an acceptable method of no baby-making sex.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Take A Moment...


If you could get time to stand still, and you could live in a moment, what moment would it be?

I think one of my favorite moments is waking up and realizing that the person you fell asleep with is still cuddling you...realizing that love transcends consciousness.
Last night the BF took me out to celebrate the completion of my last law school final.... EVER. That's right ladies, SexyJelly is now SexyJelly, Esquire.

I must say, I absolutely love the ring of that.

And so I guess, I'm liking living in this particular moment, before the bar exam, before my job, before life starts rushing again... and I'm really happy to have someone so supportive and loving to share it with. He has helped me realize just how big this moment is, celebrating my accomplishment every chance he gets. And he is right. This is perhaps one of my biggest accomplishments thus far...


No Man Land Rule: Pick a moment and live in it... it might just put every other moment into perspective.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Change of Fortune?


When the BF and I first started dating, we went to Thai for dinner. Remember? It was my first time having Thai. My fortune that night, was what any girl in her first month with a new man could only dream of; it read, "Romance will lead you in a new direction."

And ladies, romance did. Now many months (and many many order of pad thai) later, last night we went back to that same restaurant, to celebrate the completion of my tax final.

We had a fabulous time.

And at the end of our meal, we both got fortune cookies. I held my breath, hoping for one as good as last time.

Mine read: "You will lead a happy and productive life."

His read: "You are domestically inclined and will have a happy marriage."

Although at first I thought, "oh no! our fortunes got switched!" I realized that the thing that has switched is me. I am happier and more productive than ever, and it has absolutely nothing to do with an impending marriage.

So I have come a very long way. I am fortunate that this year has been about my personal growth. And maybe BF's fortune was to show him that although in his mind he always thought "marriage at 40," maybe he has changed as well.

No man land rule: Instead of fantasizing about walking down the aisle, go off-roading for a bit and get some life experience. You might realize that marriage is just a stop on the road, rather than the final destination.