Sockets & Plugs: The Problem and The Solution

I want to start this post by disclaiming that on a scale of one (lowest degree) and ten (highest degree) of lameness, I am definitely a 9.5 right now.

When I was little I used to slither around on carpet in socks to pick up friction and then zap my little brother with a slight shock. Yes, that's just the kind of older sister I was: annoying. If we jump to plugging it in because we feel like it fits right and crave that electric wave, when will we get a chance to electrocute each other the good old fashioned way... gathering up friction through engaging in conversation, activities and things that will electrify even the slightest touch between us.

I am Entrepeanutbutter and when I think problem... I think SOLUTION. So, my solution is child proof socket covers! Because we need to plug our sockets until our child is old enough to handle the socket responsibly. Well, when we meet boys we like, it's like we revert back to being a child. Not just us girls, but also the boys. We both act like kids.

SOLUTION: COVER YOUR SOCKET UNTIL THE RELATIONSHIP IS OLD ENOUGH TO HANDLE PLUGS AND ELECTRIC ACTIVITY RESPONSIBLY.

Things Have Changed: A Night At Club Voyeur

Ladies, last night I made my first trip to one of LA's hottest new nightclubs, Voyeur. I'll admit it's been a while since I've gone clubbing (having a husband will do that to you) but apparently in my absence, more has changed than just the names of the venues (as anyone from LA will tell you, the names of nightclubs change as quickly as Paris Hilton swaps boyfriends).

At Voyeur--as the name clearly suggest--the experience is all about watching. It's a relatively small space, but what the club is lacking in square footage, it makes up in women. And no, I'm not talking about the slew of twenty-something scantily-clad girls that wait in line to cozy up to boys with tables. I'm talking about the club's professional dancers. Voyeur has taken the go-go dancer to the next level. By undressing her. Yes ladies, Voyeur is filled with topless women.

These women hang from the ceiling, writhing around on a cargo net, they are on very low stage, they hang from a Velcro wall, they dance in glass boxes, they are everywhere. When the first dancer took her top off, I looked over at Entrepeanutbutter, my partner in crime for the evening, and both of our mouths were agape.

When did this happen? When were nightclubs and strip clubs merged? In an environment that is dominated by super hot, masked, naked women, how do the regular (clothed) girls compete? I know that no woman of this day and age actually expects to meet a boyfriend at a night club, but how can you even find someone to party with when all the men in the room are well, embracing their inner voyeurs?

Easy Come.... Not So Easy Go?

For about 10,220 days of your life (right about 28 years) you lived without him.

And then you met him. Seemingly out of nowhere, and with no effort.

This is where everything changes. Your life goes from being a "you-centric" life, to being a "him-centric" life. Your mind races, consumed with thoughts of him 24 hours a day, and you wonder, "What in the world did I fill my days thinking about before he existed?"

After consuming every thought, hope, dream and orgasm for about 150 days or so, he disappears, and this time, it feels like he is gone for good. Unfortunately for you, every thought, hope, dream and now solo orgasm still revolves around him. The only difference? Now you're alone and miserable.

When something comes into your life that you lived without for over 10,000 days, who is it so hard to recalibrate once it is gone?

Is the status quo in a post him world ever going to resemble the pre-him era? Can the sun still shine if he's away?

True Love... ?

"'What' and ‘if’ two words as non threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

"I don't know how your story ended.But I know that if what you felt then was love - true love - then it's never too late. If it was true then it why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart..."

"I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like... a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for... but I'd like to believe if I ever felt it. I'd have the courage to seize it. I hope you had the courage to seize it, Claire. And if you didn't, I hope one day that you will."

Letters to Juliet... a love story flick with Amanda Seyfried, who plays Sophie. Sophie goes to Verona with her fiance for a "pre-honeymoon" before their wedding. Sweet, right? Well, they spend days apart from each other, and the romantic writer that she is, she stumbles upon a letter in front of Juliet's house that never got answered- a wall where people would stick their letters for answers to love. First of all - where the hell is that wall in Los Angeles and why don't we have one here!? Second - if it were only that easy, write a letter and get an answer. Oy! I wish!

Anyway, Sophie writes a letter back to Claire who's letter was unanswered for 50 years! Yes, 50! I, know totally unrealistic. But long story short... Sophie, unhappy in her relationship, falls in love with Claire's grandson who she meets when she is on her miserable "pre-honeymoon" trip and following Claire around Italy to find her long lost love from 50 years ago. As I sat there in tears over the love stories (both Sophie's and Claire's), yes tears, I wondered... does this happen!? I mean, really.

Does love like this happen - where you fall in love with someone when you are 20 and then go back to them when you are 70 and still feel the same?

Do you get a chance to meet a charming man when you are in an unhappy relationship? I thought you have to be open and positive and single and trying. Somehow the "rules" of dating and love stories never match up!

And what about those 'what if' men. What if it would have worked out, what if you tried harder? What if you told him how you really felt? What if.... even if one has the courage to pursue what they think is love, is it really love?

What is true love?

And why haven't I met someone who makes me feel like I know what it is!?

Hindsight is 20/20

One thing is for sure: regardless of how uncertain or random the future may seem, once something happens, a quick glance in your rearview mirror reveals that everything was in fact certain, you just didn't know it.

The other night I watched a crazy french film, Irreversible. The film starts with its last scene, a brutal murder, then works its way scene by scene back to the beginning. Along the way, you realize there were a million signs along the way that were completely overlooked which lead to the murder.

I haven't been able to get the movie out of my head. It is easy to connect the dots in retrospect, not so easy to pay attention to the warning signs as you move along. There are, however, those signs that we see and blatantly ignore, leading us towards impending doom.

So I say, use your rearview mirror and learn what you can. Look back and see what you could have done differently and apply these changes to your life. Who knows, you may actually be able to avoid a future crisis. This goes for everything from personal habits to personal relationships. Put down the phone when you are texting (because you can remember the time you "almost" hit a pedestrian because you were checking facebook) and walk away from the guy who says he doesn't want a girlfriend (because time has taught you that in fact, men who say that are generally telling the truth).

Because remember, if hindsight is the only time you can see things 100% clearly, you might as well use the past to your advantage. Who knows, maybe you'll end up effecting your destiny.

Apparently, Nothing is Obvious

A few years back, a girl friend of mine told me to make 'the list' and be detailed, she instructed! So I made a long list of everything I wanted to my ideal man. After meeting the "prototype" I realized I forgot one thing: a man who wants to be with me. Ooops! I thought that was obvious... It's like asking to go to Pizza Hut but forgetting to ask to go during business hours. I guess nothing is obvious and the universe is simply oblivious.

So tonight marks the night that I have officially revised my list. I have added "a man who wants to be in a committed relationship... and with me."

Case in Point: There is no Point

People do things.

People do things... you don't know why.

People do things... you don't know why... they don't know why.

People do things... you don't know why... they don't know why... and they don't know why they are doing things.

People do things... you don't know why... they don't know why... they don't know why they are doing things... and it makes you feel like you don't know what to do in response.

People do things... you don't know why... they don't know why... they don't know why they are doing things... and it makes you feel like you don't know what to do in response... you do things in response just to do them.

People do things... you don't know why... they don't know why... they don't know why they are doing things... and it makes you feel like you don't know what to do in response... you do things in response just to do them... then people don't know why you do things.

It's a full circle.

There is not point to anything.

It's just a flow of randomness.

That's the point. There is no point.

Woo Hoo................

In a recent article titled, "Lover's Leap" (http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Martha-Beck-Lovers-Leap), Beck suggests that we leap into love and say woo hoo, despite the fact that we are terrified of intimacy. She writes:

Good Idea #2: Go "Woo-hoo"

Author Melody Beattie took up skydiving and was scared senseless. Another diver told her, "When you get to the door and jump, say 'Woo-hoo!' You can't have a bad time if you do."

This phrase works as well when you're falling emotionally as when you're falling physically. When fear hits, when you want to grasp or hide, shout "Woo-hoo!" instead. While there is never—not ever—a sure foundation beneath our feet, the willingness to celebrate what we really feel can turn falling into flying. You don't need an airplane to practice woo-hoo skills. For instance: I'm writing these words at 2:15 in the morning because writing, like other intimate pursuits, often occurs at night. As I type each word, I come to care about how it will be read—about you, there, reading it. Caring is scaring. It makes me want to stop right now, or spend years composing something flawlessly literate. Unfortunately, my deadline was yesterday, and Shakespeare I ain't, so...woo-hoo!

When I started this blog with Jelly over two years ago, we were both single and were exploring ways in which we can be more open, find good men, etc. Jelly got married and I am still single. Tomorrow I turn 28 years old.

A few years ago I thought I would be terrified of being close to 30. Surprisingly, however, I could careless about the age. I feel better than ever! After all the years I goofed around, struggled, worked my ass off, dated my ass off, and kept trying to push and push to make things happen for myself I can finally say woo hoo. I am so happy to be independent, to have a savings account, to be living close to my best friends, to have a family who loves me, to have dated many different personalities and sit here today certain of what kind of man I want, to be healthy, in shape, happy and employed by myself. I created all this for myself and I am thankful.

Woo hoo.

This week I will celebrate all of this. I have come a long way between 20 and 28. May this year bring me the one piece of the pie I am finally ready for: intimacy. Yes, I am definitely one of those people who says I am not terrified, but I am and have been. I have distracted myself with bullshit over the past few years and learned. But I finally feel ready to love and be loved by a great man. And when he comes, I will say woo hoo and make the leap.

Woo hoo for birthdays.

Woo hoo for looking back and feeling good about what you've accomplished.

Woo hoo for great friends, the best any girl can ask for - I love you Jelly;)

Woo hoo for exploration.

Woo hoo for cake, presents and birthday fun

Woo hoo for love

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can We Date?

You are the Prototype

I hope that you're the one

If not, you are the prototype

If we happen to part

Lord knows I don't want that

But hey, we can't be mad at God

We met today for a reason

I think I'm on the right track now

-Andre 3000

I've always loved the lyrics of this song... it's amazing how liberating it is to meet someone that makes you feel like the kind of man you've dreamt of forever actually does exist!!!

I hope that MM (introduced in my last post about timelines) is the one... but if not, he's most definitely the prototype. Meeting someone that is the prototype life partner really makes you feel like you're on the right track.

God bless you Andre. So well said!

Bullshit Your Boyfriend Says

"I think we should get a pitbull. They like to eat babies."

We've all been there at some point. You're having a perfectly lovely evening with your significant other when all of a sudden, he starts saying random, completely nonsensical bullshit. At first, you wonder, what the eff am I doing with this psycho? You cry, you fight, and then finally one day much later, you figure it out:

He bullshits when he is scared.

Ladies, welcome to the subspecies of the English language: Bullshit.

Whether it is coming from your boyfriend, a friend, a parent, sibling or co-worker, there are times when the person across from you loses sight of the old adage, "Say what you mean, and mean what you say."

Luckily, if you can stay calm, you can develop a bullshit decoder.

"I like pitbulls. They like to eat babies" translates to "I'm really not ready to start a family and when you talk about babies it freaks me out."

Bullshit decoders must be developed, and sadly cannot be bought. So, when bullshit rears its ugly head, take a breathe, wait, and be compassionate. Somewhere beneath the bullshit there is emotion that needs tending to.

Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace?

Imagine your single friend meets someone. You hear all about him for months. How sweet he is, how good looking he is, how chivalrous he is, how good he is to her, etc. etc. etc. And you get excited. Thrilled. This is a dream come true. And then you met him, and he's well, not someone you would go for, but it doesn't really matter, your friend seems pretty happy, so you don't say anything.

They keep dating. You keep refraining from saying anything. Things are starting to get serious. Your ealize that your friend doesn't really seem as happy as she was at the beginning, but he's doing all the right things in terms of being "marriageable" (which as a woman in your mid to late twenties, is a key priority) and so you still don't say anything about your concerns.

And then the day comes when you get that e-mail/phone call/text message.

"We're engaged!!!"

And then you realize you're screwed.

a) You're stuck with a man in your life that you loathe and or think is not good enough or right for your girlfriend

b) You realize your friend is stuck with a man that is not good enough or right for her. (WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN A)

The question is: do you ever say anything? If your friend has gotten engaged to someone you perceive to be Mr. Wrong, do you speak, or do you forever hold your peace? When forever comes into play, is it better to be honest or politically correct?

All A Man Needs: Food, Sex and Laundry?

While waiting for a car wash today, Peanut and I stumbled upon a book entitled, "Will Marry for Food, Sex and Laundry." This book apparently teaches women how to land a husband: forget getting educated, developing interests and being a good life partner. If you can cook, clean and make yourself available for sex, ding, ding, ding, you've prepared yourself to snag Mr. Right.

At first I thought, why would a woman write a book like this? Although several other recent books by women have instructed women to play certain games (i.e. the Rules for one) they stopped short of instructing women to revert back to the 1950's entirely. And then I flipped over the book and got my answer: It was written by a man.

Although my instinct is that this book sets forth a bullshit philosophy that only pertains to a certain type of man (that we No Man Land readers and writers aren't interested in anyway), I can't help but entertain the following questions:

Has our quest for self-development and equality actually hindered our ability to find life partners? If that's the case, which is more important: a husband or an identity?

My Timeline or Yours?

Often times when we start dating, it is very difficult to pace yourself to the relationship rhythm of the other person. What's relationship rhythm? Well, I define it as the beat to which someone opens up emotionally, mentally, physically and logistically (the introduction to friends, and day to day life activities). If you open up fast, the other person can get overwhelmed; if you take your time, the other person can feel hesitation or disinterest on your part; if you try too hard to observe the other person's rhythm and mimic theirs, you may come off a bit in-genuine.

Relationship rhythm is a tricky little dance. Every relationship rhythm is based on an individual's own timeline.

When I was younger, I only thought about my timeline, what I wanted, needed and would often pick fights with my boyfriend if things weren't unfolding the way I expected them to. I would make negative meanings about small things because they didn't match my expectations. Three years ago during a breakup I become cognizant of the fact that the guy I was dating was very hurt by my lack of empathy for his position in the relationship... I hadn't given him room to develop emotionally, to pace himself mentally. I was very strict in my ways - you either get on my timeline or get out of my life!

After I developed this awareness about myself I wanted to immediately change. How awful of me to expect another human being to jump on my timeline right when they meet me. They are an equal partner in a relationship and they have their own life history and baggage. Everyone needs time. Intimacy cannot be created on demand. There is a flow. It needs to develop. And so I learned the hard way... through hurt feelings and lots of fights. I promised myself three years ago to not make a guy eat shit just because they aren't meeting me at every benchmark in life.

Recently, I was seeing a marvelous man, let's name him "Marvelous Mogul." He is everything I dreamed of as a little girl and more. I felt a natural sense of connection that, I can easily say, I hadn't felt with anyone so far in my life. MM was simply not in a place to be in a relationship, for his own valid reasons. It's been several weeks we have not talked. Strangely enough, I don't feel offended or hurt. Three or four years ago, I would have questioned him and picked fights about why he's not trying, why he's not calling. Doesn't he like me enough? Doesn't he find me interesting enough? Why can't he just make himself ready for a relationship? Why can't he just step up to it? Why!? Why???

Now, wiser, and more sensical... I acknowledge everyone has their own timeline. Just because it doesn't match mine doesn't make them a bad person. Doesn't mean they don't care about me. Doesn't really mean anything other than the fact that they aren't me and aren't on my timeline.

So now I find myself asking: When it comes time to mesh our lives together and exist as a couple - whose timeline do we follow? My timeline or yours?

How Patient Is Too Patient?

You meet him. He gets your number. And then it begins: the waiting game.

When will he call? After he calls, when will he call again? After you go out, should you call? Should you not call? What if he doesn't call for a few days? What if he doesn't want to make plans for another week? What if he does make plans, but doesn't seem like he is ready to commit? What if??

The minute you embark on that "we're dating" or "we're seeing each other" or, in the most ambiguous case, "we're getting somewhat naked but we don't have a title," journey, one things becomes abundantly clear: as a woman, if you want it to work, chances are you have to relinquish some level of control and let the man take the reins. The problem is, a lot of men these days are deathly afraid of commitment, so they have no idea what to do with the reins once they have them.

And so, you wait. You wait for the call. You withstand the urge to make plans. You do whatever you can to give him the sense of comfort you think he needs in order to step up to the plate and get the two of you out of the amorphous "we're spending time together and it's not platonic" phase and into the "we're a couple" phase. And it's not easy. Some lucky few are born with patience: the rest of us have to make a tremendous effort to wait elegantly.

In my dating experience, the thing I've learned is that the old adage is true: patience is certainly a virtue.

The question is: at what point do you cross the line and move from patient to pointless? Is there such a thing as being too patient and getting played?

Erasing an Ex: To unfriend, or not to unfriend on Facebook?

We've all been there. You meet someone, you fall in love, at some point you fall out of love, and the relationship ends (or sometimes the love doesn't end, but the relationship implodes). The question is: what happens next?

In a pre-digital world, erasing all traces of your ex was a pretty simple endeavor. A few shoe boxes of cards and photographs got ceremoniously burned and then voila, you're free.

Alas, things are no longer so simple. There are the initial steps of removing the physical traces which are easy enough, but then comes the digital hurdle. The digital photographs that take up half your hard drive, the thousands of e-mails cluttering your gmail account, the phone numbers in your cell, the bbm pin....

Assuming you go through the trouble of cutting down your jungle of digital memories, there's still one think left to do: decide whether or not to "unfriend" him on facebook.

And here is where things get really tricky. All the other steps you have taken can be taken privately. Your ex will have no idea that you donated the teddy bear he gave you to the salvation army, or that you put his valentine's day card through your paper shredder. It doesn't matter if you delete all thousand e-mails he sent you: he will have no idea.

The minute you "unfriend" him, chances are your ex-erasure will no longer be private. He'll know. Hell, everyone on facebook will know. Breaking up on facebook is in fact probably more public than your real breakup was.

The thing is: if you're no longer friends in person, why should you be friends on facebook? Why should you have access to each others pictures, thoughts, connections?

If you've deleted every other trace of your ex, is deleting your "ex" off facebook the logical next step?

92 Days and Counting...

When we started No Man Land, I was trying to bounce back from the end of my relationship with Mr. Wrong. Now, I am on the verge of walking down the aisle with Mr. Right. In 92 days to be exact. With our 4th of July wedding now within striking distance, I'm returning to my old stomping grounds, No Man Land, to document the adventure. So, despite my entries being a little less about finding a man and a little more about managing a life with one, I hope you will bear with me. If nothing else, hopefully this will help me feel a bit more inspired to go to the gym. A size 4 Carolina Hererra wedding gown demands it.