Holding My Breath

In yoga, the instructor always mentions the breath. Move with your breath. Follow your breath. Focus on your breath.

In my practice, as I move from one position to another... with the instructor's voice in the background, "Breathe in & move into warrior 1... breathe out," I always always find that my breaths are just shorter than that of the average person. I actually sometimes hear people breathing and I think, "Wow! They can really breathe out for a long time." So in order to sync myself with the class, I always end up holding my breath in between: Breathe in, hold...breathe out, hold...

As you all may remember, I set a goal for myself to make patience my #1 virtue (read post: http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/10/patience-is-my-1-virtue.html). In the recent year I have injected a little bit of patience here and a little there... but when push comes to shove, I am just not a patient person. Recently, I started dating a guy. We have been out 6 or 7 times now and as you may tell from my last post, I yearn for more and more to come faster and faster and to know what's gonna happen next. I get it, it's not good. So I held back... in an effort to not come on too strong I was criticized by him for not showing any affection or interest. Was I sending the wrong message? Here I am trying to be patient and hands off, while this guy is expecting me to be more aggressive!?!?

As I hold my breath, day after day... trying to be patient with the process, I honestly feel confused. Do I play the game? Do I act like myself? I mean the fact is, I can't hold my breath forever... I am naturally impatient. The man who ends up with me is gonna find out sooner or later!

Yogis believe you should move at your own pace, but if my pace is naturally faster than others, should I hold my breath to sync with the one I am dating or should I be true to my own natural rhythms?

My closing thought:

This morning in yoga I was really thinking about last night's awkward interaction with the guy I am dating. I'm not gonna lie, I panicked last night and slipped into teenage girl mode: OMG It's totally over, I can't believe this! But as I slowed down to process what was going on this morning I started to realize that I am actually clueless about what is going on on his end of things, but on my end of things... I've definitely lost my life's balance since he came around. He has thrown me off my equilibrium and I have become sorta unable to 'hold my breath' and sorta unable to make clear decisions about what my reactions and actions should be. When I first started my business back in 2006, I remember feeling the exact same way. Every thing was a time bomb waiting to explode! Every little thing that went wrong was the end of my business... a catastrophe waiting to happen. I was unable to make clear decisions about my reactions and my business. I was a kid. I didn't know what I was doing. As time passed I gained experience, I learned how to make decisions and gained trust in my decisions. What I realized in yoga this morning, probably in the seconds I was holding my breath and slipped away in my thoughts, is that I am sorta a kid when it comes to dating and building long lasting relationships. I don't trust my ability to make clear decisions. I am always confused as to whether or not there is a trick to things or if I should follow my gut. Should I call? Should I not? Should I tell him this or that? If building a business is anything like building a relationship, then I know that I will get to that place where I feel confident in my abilities and trust my decisions one day. Maybe that day is not today or next week... I guess I will just have to hold my breath and wait it out.

The M Word

On Sunday, the boyfriend and I were enjoying the sun and each other's company while we were on a hike when I couldn't help but overhear the conversation going on between two power hiker twenty-something women who were racing past us.

Girl #1: So, I was talking to him and brought up the future and you won't believe what he said!
Girl #2: Oh no.
Girl #1: Oh yes. He said he doesn't know if he wants to ever get married and have kids.
Girl #2: OH NO.
Girl #1: Oh yes. And then he asked me, what about you? And I said, um, YEAH, totally!

And I looked at my boyfriend and started laughing because one of the greatest points of contention in our relationship is that he used to say the same thing. In fact, one of my closest friends dumped her ex for saying the same thing as well.

Luckily, through time and open-minded conversations the boyfriend and I have discovered that we are both in fact open to marriage. And when I think about it now in retrospect, I don't know why I took anything he said about maybe not wanting marriage or kids so seriously in the first place. I mean, of course he wants to get married and have kids some day. Sure some people definitely don't - but you can tell right away when you are dealing with someone that actually falls into that category (which in this day and age is still few and far in between).

If men know that women want to hear that they are open to getting married, why don't men just say it?

And if women know that when men say they aren't open to getting married they are probably bullshitting, why is it that so many of us have found ourselves putting so much weight on what they casually say?

Why is it even really necessary to have this conversations before you're sure you even want him in that way?

I mean, the right relationship will lead to marriage. It is not like your man being open to marriage will make it the right relationship. Let's not put the carriage in front of the horse...

Why should him saying the magic M word (eons before you are even sure he is the one you want to marry) matter?

Recycled-Man

Back in June of 2007, I went on a blind date. See http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-went-on-blind-date-and-all-i-got-was.html.

Last week, my girlfriend went on a blind date. With the same guy. And we didn't put two and two together until after.

Interestingly enough, we had exactly the same experience: harmless enough guy, zero spark (though she managed to get through her date with him without falling on her face - see post above for bloody details.)

Which leads me to my question: how is it that this guy has been getting recycled on blind dates for over a year? And worse yet, how is it that this is the caliber of man my friends and I are getting set up with?

Are recycled men all that's left on the market?

Women On Waves

Ok ladies, I know this isn't a political blog, but I guess the issue of abortion is female-centric enough to merit a mention. Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, I thought this was an incredibly important article highlighting what happens when abortion becomes illegal.

In the United States, we take abortion as a give in, not realizing that in many countries, it is just not an option. With this coming election, there are certain people on the ticket that would happily change a woman's right to chose whether or not to have an abortion... leaving women to consider using services like those offered by the "Women On Waves" organization.

I'm not commenting whether or not this would be a good or bad development in your nation's history (though I'm sure my tone has given it away by now...) So, think about where you stand, get to know the candidates' policies and make sure to vote on the 4th.

Dutch abortion ship sparks controversy in Spain

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=081015182545.kro529yr&show_article=1

A Spanish pro-life group said it plans to protest the arrival on Thursday of a Dutch boat that is offering to provide abortions that circumvent Spain's strict laws.

The boat is due to anchor off the Mediterranean port of Valencia, the Dutch non-profit organisation Women on Waves said on its web site.

From Friday, it will offer abortions on the ship in international waters under the Netherlands' more liberal abortion laws.

This "symbolic initiative" will allow "abortions outside Spanish law for the first time in Spain's recent history, but without violating it," said Spanish gynaecologist Josep Lluis Carbonell, one of the promoters.

But it has already sparked controversy.

Valencia's conservative mayor Rita Barbera termed the plan a "provocation that has sparked indignation."

The anti-abortion group Provida in Valencia said its members plan a protest aboard a smaller vessels when the boat arrives.

Spain decriminalised abortion in 1985 but only for certain cases: up to 12 weeks of pregnancy after a rape; up to 22 weeks in the case of malformation of the foetus; and at any point if the pregnancy represents a threat to the physical or mental health of the woman.
But the Socialist government last month said it plans to introduce a new law that will offer greater legal protection for women who wish to have an abortion and doctors who carry out the procedure.

The Women on Waves ship visited Ireland in 2001, Poland in 2003 and Portugal in 2004, sparking protests in each country.

Love At Last Sight

"It was love at first sight."

Ladies, we've all heard the story. Girl meets boy, eyes lock and hearts flutter. And then, a year later, or two or three, they get up at the wedding, make a toast, and say, "what can we say, it was love at first sight!"

Here is what I wonder, if it was love at first sight, what was the love based on? Chemistry? Physical attraction? Raw hope?

I hope, that when I decide to get married I can say that it was love at last sight. That the love we shared early on continued to grow, based on every interaction, every experience, every time something new was shared between us. I hope I can toast that the love that got us to the aisle was based on everything that came after "first sight" like learning about each others qualities, strengths, and even weaknesses.

That the love came not because of some instant gut feeling but because every day, every time we said goodbye, we could honestly say we experienced a new, more meaningful love, at each last sight.