Holding My Breath

In yoga, the instructor always mentions the breath. Move with your breath. Follow your breath. Focus on your breath.

In my practice, as I move from one position to another... with the instructor's voice in the background, "Breathe in & move into warrior 1... breathe out," I always always find that my breaths are just shorter than that of the average person. I actually sometimes hear people breathing and I think, "Wow! They can really breathe out for a long time." So in order to sync myself with the class, I always end up holding my breath in between: Breathe in, hold...breathe out, hold...

As you all may remember, I set a goal for myself to make patience my #1 virtue (read post: http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/10/patience-is-my-1-virtue.html). In the recent year I have injected a little bit of patience here and a little there... but when push comes to shove, I am just not a patient person. Recently, I started dating a guy. We have been out 6 or 7 times now and as you may tell from my last post, I yearn for more and more to come faster and faster and to know what's gonna happen next. I get it, it's not good. So I held back... in an effort to not come on too strong I was criticized by him for not showing any affection or interest. Was I sending the wrong message? Here I am trying to be patient and hands off, while this guy is expecting me to be more aggressive!?!?

As I hold my breath, day after day... trying to be patient with the process, I honestly feel confused. Do I play the game? Do I act like myself? I mean the fact is, I can't hold my breath forever... I am naturally impatient. The man who ends up with me is gonna find out sooner or later!

Yogis believe you should move at your own pace, but if my pace is naturally faster than others, should I hold my breath to sync with the one I am dating or should I be true to my own natural rhythms?

My closing thought:

This morning in yoga I was really thinking about last night's awkward interaction with the guy I am dating. I'm not gonna lie, I panicked last night and slipped into teenage girl mode: OMG It's totally over, I can't believe this! But as I slowed down to process what was going on this morning I started to realize that I am actually clueless about what is going on on his end of things, but on my end of things... I've definitely lost my life's balance since he came around. He has thrown me off my equilibrium and I have become sorta unable to 'hold my breath' and sorta unable to make clear decisions about what my reactions and actions should be. When I first started my business back in 2006, I remember feeling the exact same way. Every thing was a time bomb waiting to explode! Every little thing that went wrong was the end of my business... a catastrophe waiting to happen. I was unable to make clear decisions about my reactions and my business. I was a kid. I didn't know what I was doing. As time passed I gained experience, I learned how to make decisions and gained trust in my decisions. What I realized in yoga this morning, probably in the seconds I was holding my breath and slipped away in my thoughts, is that I am sorta a kid when it comes to dating and building long lasting relationships. I don't trust my ability to make clear decisions. I am always confused as to whether or not there is a trick to things or if I should follow my gut. Should I call? Should I not? Should I tell him this or that? If building a business is anything like building a relationship, then I know that I will get to that place where I feel confident in my abilities and trust my decisions one day. Maybe that day is not today or next week... I guess I will just have to hold my breath and wait it out.

The M Word

On Sunday, the boyfriend and I were enjoying the sun and each other's company while we were on a hike when I couldn't help but overhear the conversation going on between two power hiker twenty-something women who were racing past us.

Girl #1: So, I was talking to him and brought up the future and you won't believe what he said!
Girl #2: Oh no.
Girl #1: Oh yes. He said he doesn't know if he wants to ever get married and have kids.
Girl #2: OH NO.
Girl #1: Oh yes. And then he asked me, what about you? And I said, um, YEAH, totally!

And I looked at my boyfriend and started laughing because one of the greatest points of contention in our relationship is that he used to say the same thing. In fact, one of my closest friends dumped her ex for saying the same thing as well.

Luckily, through time and open-minded conversations the boyfriend and I have discovered that we are both in fact open to marriage. And when I think about it now in retrospect, I don't know why I took anything he said about maybe not wanting marriage or kids so seriously in the first place. I mean, of course he wants to get married and have kids some day. Sure some people definitely don't - but you can tell right away when you are dealing with someone that actually falls into that category (which in this day and age is still few and far in between).

If men know that women want to hear that they are open to getting married, why don't men just say it?

And if women know that when men say they aren't open to getting married they are probably bullshitting, why is it that so many of us have found ourselves putting so much weight on what they casually say?

Why is it even really necessary to have this conversations before you're sure you even want him in that way?

I mean, the right relationship will lead to marriage. It is not like your man being open to marriage will make it the right relationship. Let's not put the carriage in front of the horse...

Why should him saying the magic M word (eons before you are even sure he is the one you want to marry) matter?

Recycled-Man

Back in June of 2007, I went on a blind date. See http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-went-on-blind-date-and-all-i-got-was.html.

Last week, my girlfriend went on a blind date. With the same guy. And we didn't put two and two together until after.

Interestingly enough, we had exactly the same experience: harmless enough guy, zero spark (though she managed to get through her date with him without falling on her face - see post above for bloody details.)

Which leads me to my question: how is it that this guy has been getting recycled on blind dates for over a year? And worse yet, how is it that this is the caliber of man my friends and I are getting set up with?

Are recycled men all that's left on the market?

Women On Waves

Ok ladies, I know this isn't a political blog, but I guess the issue of abortion is female-centric enough to merit a mention. Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, I thought this was an incredibly important article highlighting what happens when abortion becomes illegal.

In the United States, we take abortion as a give in, not realizing that in many countries, it is just not an option. With this coming election, there are certain people on the ticket that would happily change a woman's right to chose whether or not to have an abortion... leaving women to consider using services like those offered by the "Women On Waves" organization.

I'm not commenting whether or not this would be a good or bad development in your nation's history (though I'm sure my tone has given it away by now...) So, think about where you stand, get to know the candidates' policies and make sure to vote on the 4th.

Dutch abortion ship sparks controversy in Spain

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=081015182545.kro529yr&show_article=1

A Spanish pro-life group said it plans to protest the arrival on Thursday of a Dutch boat that is offering to provide abortions that circumvent Spain's strict laws.

The boat is due to anchor off the Mediterranean port of Valencia, the Dutch non-profit organisation Women on Waves said on its web site.

From Friday, it will offer abortions on the ship in international waters under the Netherlands' more liberal abortion laws.

This "symbolic initiative" will allow "abortions outside Spanish law for the first time in Spain's recent history, but without violating it," said Spanish gynaecologist Josep Lluis Carbonell, one of the promoters.

But it has already sparked controversy.

Valencia's conservative mayor Rita Barbera termed the plan a "provocation that has sparked indignation."

The anti-abortion group Provida in Valencia said its members plan a protest aboard a smaller vessels when the boat arrives.

Spain decriminalised abortion in 1985 but only for certain cases: up to 12 weeks of pregnancy after a rape; up to 22 weeks in the case of malformation of the foetus; and at any point if the pregnancy represents a threat to the physical or mental health of the woman.
But the Socialist government last month said it plans to introduce a new law that will offer greater legal protection for women who wish to have an abortion and doctors who carry out the procedure.

The Women on Waves ship visited Ireland in 2001, Poland in 2003 and Portugal in 2004, sparking protests in each country.

Love At Last Sight

"It was love at first sight."

Ladies, we've all heard the story. Girl meets boy, eyes lock and hearts flutter. And then, a year later, or two or three, they get up at the wedding, make a toast, and say, "what can we say, it was love at first sight!"

Here is what I wonder, if it was love at first sight, what was the love based on? Chemistry? Physical attraction? Raw hope?

I hope, that when I decide to get married I can say that it was love at last sight. That the love we shared early on continued to grow, based on every interaction, every experience, every time something new was shared between us. I hope I can toast that the love that got us to the aisle was based on everything that came after "first sight" like learning about each others qualities, strengths, and even weaknesses.

That the love came not because of some instant gut feeling but because every day, every time we said goodbye, we could honestly say we experienced a new, more meaningful love, at each last sight.

You Smell Good (I think?)

The Pill makes women pick bad mates

Ability to sniff out a compatible partner affected by taking contraceptives

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26180187/

Birth control pills could screw up a woman's ability to sniff out a compatible mate, a new study finds.

While several factors can send a woman swooning, including big brains and brawn, body odor can be critical in the final decision, the researchers say. That's because beneath a woman's flowery fragrance or a guy's musk the body sends out aromatic molecules that indicate genetic compatibility.

Major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes are involved in immune response and other functions, and the best mates are those that have different MHC smells than you. The new study reveals, however, that when women are on the pill they prefer guys with matching MHC odors.

MHC genes churn out substances that tell the body whether a cell is a native or an invader. When individuals with different MHC genes mate, their offspring's immune systems can recognize a broader range of foreign cells, making them more fit.

Past studies have suggested couples with dissimilar MHC genes are more satisfied and more likely to be faithful to a mate. And the opposite is also true with matchng-MHC couples showing less satisfaction and more wandering eyes.

"Not only could MHC-similarity in couples lead to fertility problems," said lead researcher Stewart Craig Roberts, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Newcastle in England, "but it could ultimately lead to the breakdown of relationships when women stop using the contraceptive pill, as odor perception plays a significant role in maintaining attraction to partners."

Sexy scents
The study involved about 100 women, aged 18 to 35, who chose which of six male body-odor samples they preferred. They were tested at the start of the study when none of the participants were taking contraceptive pills and three months later after 40 of the women had started taking the pill more than two months prior.

For the non-pill users, results didn't show a significant preference for similar or dissimilar MHC odors. When women started taking birth control, their odor preferences changed. These women were much more likely than non-pill users to prefer MHC-similar odors.

"The results showed that the preferences of women who began using the contraceptive pill shifted towards men with genetically similar odors," Roberts said.

Pregnant state
Based on the work by Claus Wedekind, a University of Lausanne researcher who preformed similar studies in the 1990s, Roberts suggests a likely reason for the pill's effect on a woman's odor preferences. The pill puts a woman's body into a hormonally pregnant state (the reason she doesn’t ovulate), and during that time there would be no reason to seek out a mate.

"When women are pregnant there's no selection pressure, evolutionarily speaking, for having a preference for genetically dissimilar odors," Roberts said. "And if there is any pressure at all it would be towards relatives, who would be more genetically similar, because the relatives would help those individuals rear the baby."

So the pill puts a woman's body into a post-mating state, even though she might be still in the game.

”The pill is in effect mirroring a natural shift but at an inappropriate time,” Roberts told LiveScience.

The results are detailed in the current issue of the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences.

© 2008 LiveScience.com. All rights reserved.

Just Ask

Ok ladies, never fear. This is not going to be a "Secret" inspired diatribe about how if you just ask for something in your heart from the universe you will receive it.

No way, no how - that boat sailed a long time ago, with Oprah at it's helm. And as you all know, this blog is devoted to new ideas, not mass marketed ones.

What I'm talking about is literally asking, for things, you want, from people (particularly men).

Today I was at Best Buy, contemplating exactly why an iPod cover costs $30. Upon walking up to the register to pay (that is, after realizing I had no time to bargain hunt elsewhere, as my flight leaves to Asia tonight and I need the damn cover) I merely stated to the guy at the register (with a smile of course) your iPod covers are too expensive. And just like that, he gave me 10% off.

And I didn't even really ask. Imagine the possibilities if I had?

Whether you are in need of an upgrade, a better table, a discount, suggestions, etc. I've come to realize, that sometimes, all you have to do is ask. More often than not, people are more than happy to comply.

I think the same is true in relationships. If your significant other isn't fulfilling your needs - rather than being passive aggressive, ask for what you want. The moral in all this, is that at the end of the day, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

“Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.”

-Jules Renard

Pizza & A Blind Date

So last night I went on my blind date with a 35 year old ER doctor. Most people would be like, "Oooooohh a doctor - great catch." First of all, my days of being open to anything and everything in men are OVER. Why am I giving doctors a chance - I don't like them! I should stop wasting my time.

So I arrive at Terroni and walk up, immediately recognizing him because he was starring at me with the face of a man who was hoping he was lucky enough to have his blind date be the gorgeous girl walking towards him (yes, me!)

Anyway, we walk in and he immediately says "Vow it's so happaning for a Tuesday night, no?" "You picked such a great place." (No there were no typos in the the last sentence, he was a strange FOB - he didn't have the typical FOB pronunciations. He said happaning, wildernass (instead of wilderness), and and 'ehm' instead of 'uhm' a couple times in each sentence.

So after he acknowledged the great pick on my part, he went on to talk about himself non-stop for the first 40 minutes of the date. It was one "one time in band camp" story after another. He told me about why he likes Amrmani Exhange wallets, stories of how he is clumsy and loses things all the time, literally I didn't even have a moment to say 'oh cool' or anything like. In fact I was looking around the restaurant and showed complete disinterest hoping he would shut the eff up, but my blatant lack of interest didn't seem to bother him, he kept going strong... talk talk talk talk talk!

After that he paused for a moment and started to explain why he was holding an envelope in his hand (which I was curious about but was scared to ask). He just got a lot of 'ehm' cash and didn't want to 'ehm' leave it in the car because of valet. So he asked if I would 'ehm' put it in my purse. And then went on to explain that if my purse were to get stolen tonight, he wouldn't hold me 'ehm' liable for the lost cash. (EFFEN WIERDO)

So anyway, he continues to talk. And I quickly say, excuse me I am going to go to the bathroom. I take my purse. And then I start thinking... dude what if I stole some of his cash (not that I would, but what if I was the type of girl who would do that? he is stupid for putting that much cash in my purse. It was a THICK envelope). Anyway starvation starts to kick in and after a 5min wait to get into the bathroom. I quickly call my mom, "Do we have dinner at home?" She says no. I tell her about my horrible date and how I don't know how to get out of it. She suggested calling me in 15 min to pretend that I have an emergency and have to go home.

I get back to the table and he says, I hope you are hungry. I ordered a few appetizers. Meanwhile the waitress had put down a bread basket and then they bring the food... he says do you want the bread (holding it up to have the waitress take it away to make room on the table) "I don't eat bread," he says. I start to think in my head, GREAT he is one of those fuckin pussy guys that doesn't eat this and that and I could probably out eat him in 5 minutes!

Anyway, as we start to munch a little on the appetizers, I say... what time is it - holding my hand up - indicating no watch. He says, 9:30pm, what time do you have to leave. I tell him that my grandfather is in the hospital and my dad and uncle transported him to cedar sinai tonight from mission viejo hospital (all true) and that I told him my dad I would pick him up on my way home at 10pm. Giving him 25 min to wrap shit up and eat his stupid fuckin appetizers so I could leave. Meanwhile, I am scheming in my head how I am going to feed myself real food tonight. No food at home. By the time 10 rolls around if I order something from somewhere it will take another 15-20 min. Too long of a wait. I'm hungry! And aged cured beef is not going to fill me up. So I take out my phone and say, "Oh my dad said he wants me to pick up food for him." i am going to order a pizza to go. So the waiter comes around and I say margharita pizza to go please on a different check please. And he laughs (the blind date, not the waiter) and says, you ordered a margarita to go? My eyes widen in shock. "NO. That is what they call cheese pizza in Italian restaurants.[where have you been for the past 35 years of your life]"

Pizza comes. He pays the other bill. And my car arrives from valet and I am finally freeeeeee!!!!! I turn up my music and stuff my face with yummy pizza...

Can you become virtually invisible to men by being too open?

Since the inception of No Man Land... Jelly and I have learned that being open is not only the key to meeting new people but also the solution to creating positive change in our lives.

The past few months I have been so open and made so many new friends - both girls and guys, but mostly guys. I actively seek out ways to be more open-minded to new ideas, activities and people. This has all been great and somewhat liberating.

But...Where has this gotten me? I have lots of people to talk to, hang out with, and have connected with people that I would previously have never given the time of day to. But sometimes I end up feeling invisible. I am giving so much energy to being open and the people on the opposite end make me feel invisible. Lately, no on asks about me... tries to get to know me better... or acknowledges all that I do for them. All of a sudden I feel like I'm just the nice girl... maybe I don't have enough game or mystery anymore? Can being too open take away some of the chase and make you virtually invisible?

Quote to Remember

"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can."

Margo Kaufman