The Cure to Winter Blues: Manage Your Expectations

KEEP YOUR EXPECTATIONS MODEST.
Don’t get hung up on what the holidays are supposed to be like and how you’re supposed to feel. If you’re comparing your holidays to some abstract greeting card ideal, they’ll always come up short. So don’t worry about holiday spirit and take the holidays as they come.

In an article posted on WebMD, http://www.webmd.com/depression/holiday-depression-8/boost-mood-tips?print=true (25 ways to find joy & balance during the holidays), I can't help but to focus on #1 (above)! Some of the 25 are quite funny, but #1 is the definitely the cure to holiday season blues.

Chatting with a girlfriend today, I realized there are quite a few people who tend to get a little blue as the holiday season approaches. Maybe it's the weather? Maybe being single during the holidays is hard... whatever it may be, the case of the winter blues can be rather difficult. It's not like summer, where you can jump in your bikini, layout, swim, flirt, and be out and about socializing to create excitement in your days. As December approaches I can't help but worry, not just for myself but for all of us single girls out there who don't have holiday plans and will probably just wait around till plans pop up, secretly wishing our reality matched up with our fantasies of what the holiday season would be like. We all have ideals of how holidays are supposed to be, how our dates are supposed to be, how are men are supposed to be, and a list of other things. Dropping these expectations can really make life a lot easier to live. That's why this holiday season, I am focusing on keeping my expectations modest in order to shift out of a place of constant disappointment.

This past summer I decided to implement what I like to call a 'granola' way of living: straying away from excess, excess shopping, eating, spending; detaching myself from a lot of material items I previously needed to have; amongst many other tactics in an effort to live a more modest, de-materialized life. In the process I not only experienced the essence of gratitude, I also built character and realized some of my internal issues. After a few months of consciously implementing daily rules I had set for myself, I ended up falling somewhere in the middle... I shifted out of my old ways permanently and now live a much healthier lifestyle. Hopefully, the cure to winter blues this winter will serve as yet another shift and growth for me in 2008.

Music was my boyfriend?

A long time ago, before the chapters in my life entitled "law school" and now "lawyer," I was a musician. The "musician" chapter lasted from age 4 through roughly age 23. I played the piano, I wrote music, I sang, I collaborated with other musicians, and I was generally a very inspired and creative person. And then it just stopped. All of it. I stopped playing, singing, creating, composing, even listening to music. What I loved most about my life and myself just up and disappeared.

The thing is, when someone asks me, "are you still playing" or "are you still singing" (which many people do, since it was such a big part of my identity) I shrug my shoulders, make a sad face, and explain, "law school ate my soul."

What I wonder is, if it is something I really love and miss, why don't I just do it? And if I don't miss it? Why? I can honestly say that singing and playing the piano were two of my favorite most fulfilling things in life. And now: poof. They are both gone.

There is another interesting correlation though, that should be noted. My most creative moments were when I was single (i.e. from age four through twenty-something)... It has always happened that when I am in a happy relationship I tend to shy away from my musical enterprises. I've essentially been in three back to back relationships during the past four years and during that time, I guess you can say that instead of being in a relationship with music, I was in a relationship with men.

Is it possible that I'm only creative when I'm alone? Is that why most love songs are about love lost? And if so, how can I find away to re-unite with my ex (my music lover) without having to give up my current boyfriend?

Rubber Band Theory: Don't Be Afraid of Letting Go

I read a few of John Gray's Mars and Venus books a few years ago. One thing that stuck with me because I had noticed it before in my own experiences was his theory that men are like rubber-bands. When they leave they always come back just like nothing ever happened and no time has gone by. (Providing of course that the woman leaves them alone.) I've been reminded of that theory again in the last two weeks. At least 3 different guys who I had dated in the past but hadn't seen or talked to for months have IM'd and started talking to me within the last week or so for no apparent reason and just took up from where they left off like no time has gone by. The only acknowledgment that they even realized it had been a while was that they were all trying to see if I'm still available or not.

~Candy Lily from MatchDoctor.Com

My recent love interest of a month ended last night because he said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even though he thought I was the most amazing girl he has ever met. Although this makes no logical sense to me, I have chosen to let go - to once in my life trust the bigger universe we live in and the plans it has for me. I know what I want in a relationship and so does the universe... so I am surrendering to the flow of life. I quoted this girl above because deciding to let go has also given me a little hope in the rubber band theory... that maybe in the process of letting go I am actually doing myself a favor. If it really is meant to be with this guy, he will bounce back at a time that is more appropriate for him and maybe for me, without having had dated and ended things on messy/bad terms.

It's funny because I posted a few months ago about how 3 out of 4 of my x-boyfriends had recently touch based with me in the most heartfelt of ways, apologizing for whatever wrong they did. This interaction could have easily rekindled a relationship if we were meant to be. The 4th one is married and has a child. So to say that I don't believe in the rubber band theory would be hard -- because I have proof.

Although, a girl can dream a dream of a romantic story where their prince charming leaves a note on their car after a year of not talking (wink wink SJ) and makes an effort to make something happen, a smart woman can't depend on the rubber band theory. Which is why I am back in the dating scene...ready to face the darkness and uncertainty all over again!

And every time I lose hope or start to feel negatively about myself, I will look up to our President as my inspiration, believing that I too will find someone who stands tall and proud and calls me his best friend, rock of the family and love of his life! Feels good to have a President to look up to for once in our lives.

So here's to dating, the rubber band theory, letting go and continuously learning new things about relationships and building successful ones. The cure to LMS doesn't come overnight; it's a process ;)

Inspired By Your Love

After last night's excitement, I woke up to an email today and I quote my girlfriend:

"I thought to myself, if Obama can become president, I can wake my ass up in the morning and go to the gym…so, I woke up at 5am and went to the gym!"

It hasn't even been 24 hours and everywhere I turn, I see and hear that people are inspired... and so excited for a new beginning. People have been updating their facebook status to things like "I am proud to be an American tonight," "Crying tears of joy," "Excited for change," amongst a play on words like OH-Bama! It is really an exciting time to be living in. Obama is an inspiration for various reasons; everyone has their own.

But for the purposes of this blog... let's discuss his love for Michelle. Obviously we don't know what goes on behind closed doors... but I have to say, "Mr. President you captured my heart with your speech last night, specifically when you sincerely and passionately thanked Michelle, 'your best friend and the rock of the family'." I aspire for a relationship like theirs. Egalitarian. Loving. Authentic. Passionate. Strong. Supportive. Romantic, despite life's challenges. Thank you for inspiring me. I am excited and curious to see how the next 4 years pan out! Cheers to a new beginning and to finding a love like Barack and Michelle Obama's!

P.S. The pic above is my absolute favorite. I heart them.

Mental Hiccups

If you've ever had the hiccups for an extended period of time, you know that it could be quite exhausting... just when you think it's gone for good, it's back! It lingers around in the background of your time and annoys you, possibly annoys you so much that you can't even focus. If you're a little crazy you might get angry at yourself that you can't get rid of it... you hold your breath, drink a full cup of water in one shot, swallow sugar, do a headstand while holding your breath, try to scare yourself?, amongst other ridiculous remedies. But you are definitely not calm, and the more you try to get rid of it, the time between each hiccup seems to be shortening leaving you with no normal breaths! And all you want to do is run to the top of some canyon and yell at the top of your lungs.

Recently, I have had boy issues on my mind that cause the insecure sides of me to creep up and take over my whole existence. Much like the hiccup, just when I think I am okay... and back to my normal self, I start to feel insecure again! I don't know what to do to get rid of it... it's just spiraling out of control. Day after day after day... it's been almost a week now and I am starting to feel a little bit exhausted. Unfortunately, unlike the hiccups there are no remedies that I can seek externally, I know I must find resolve within myself but I can't seem to grab hold of anything that makes the hiccup of insecurity go away forever! If you have ever felt this way and have suggestions... please comment.

Holding My Breath

In yoga, the instructor always mentions the breath. Move with your breath. Follow your breath. Focus on your breath.

In my practice, as I move from one position to another... with the instructor's voice in the background, "Breathe in & move into warrior 1... breathe out," I always always find that my breaths are just shorter than that of the average person. I actually sometimes hear people breathing and I think, "Wow! They can really breathe out for a long time." So in order to sync myself with the class, I always end up holding my breath in between: Breathe in, hold...breathe out, hold...

As you all may remember, I set a goal for myself to make patience my #1 virtue (read post: http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/10/patience-is-my-1-virtue.html). In the recent year I have injected a little bit of patience here and a little there... but when push comes to shove, I am just not a patient person. Recently, I started dating a guy. We have been out 6 or 7 times now and as you may tell from my last post, I yearn for more and more to come faster and faster and to know what's gonna happen next. I get it, it's not good. So I held back... in an effort to not come on too strong I was criticized by him for not showing any affection or interest. Was I sending the wrong message? Here I am trying to be patient and hands off, while this guy is expecting me to be more aggressive!?!?

As I hold my breath, day after day... trying to be patient with the process, I honestly feel confused. Do I play the game? Do I act like myself? I mean the fact is, I can't hold my breath forever... I am naturally impatient. The man who ends up with me is gonna find out sooner or later!

Yogis believe you should move at your own pace, but if my pace is naturally faster than others, should I hold my breath to sync with the one I am dating or should I be true to my own natural rhythms?

My closing thought:

This morning in yoga I was really thinking about last night's awkward interaction with the guy I am dating. I'm not gonna lie, I panicked last night and slipped into teenage girl mode: OMG It's totally over, I can't believe this! But as I slowed down to process what was going on this morning I started to realize that I am actually clueless about what is going on on his end of things, but on my end of things... I've definitely lost my life's balance since he came around. He has thrown me off my equilibrium and I have become sorta unable to 'hold my breath' and sorta unable to make clear decisions about what my reactions and actions should be. When I first started my business back in 2006, I remember feeling the exact same way. Every thing was a time bomb waiting to explode! Every little thing that went wrong was the end of my business... a catastrophe waiting to happen. I was unable to make clear decisions about my reactions and my business. I was a kid. I didn't know what I was doing. As time passed I gained experience, I learned how to make decisions and gained trust in my decisions. What I realized in yoga this morning, probably in the seconds I was holding my breath and slipped away in my thoughts, is that I am sorta a kid when it comes to dating and building long lasting relationships. I don't trust my ability to make clear decisions. I am always confused as to whether or not there is a trick to things or if I should follow my gut. Should I call? Should I not? Should I tell him this or that? If building a business is anything like building a relationship, then I know that I will get to that place where I feel confident in my abilities and trust my decisions one day. Maybe that day is not today or next week... I guess I will just have to hold my breath and wait it out.

The M Word

On Sunday, the boyfriend and I were enjoying the sun and each other's company while we were on a hike when I couldn't help but overhear the conversation going on between two power hiker twenty-something women who were racing past us.

Girl #1: So, I was talking to him and brought up the future and you won't believe what he said!
Girl #2: Oh no.
Girl #1: Oh yes. He said he doesn't know if he wants to ever get married and have kids.
Girl #2: OH NO.
Girl #1: Oh yes. And then he asked me, what about you? And I said, um, YEAH, totally!

And I looked at my boyfriend and started laughing because one of the greatest points of contention in our relationship is that he used to say the same thing. In fact, one of my closest friends dumped her ex for saying the same thing as well.

Luckily, through time and open-minded conversations the boyfriend and I have discovered that we are both in fact open to marriage. And when I think about it now in retrospect, I don't know why I took anything he said about maybe not wanting marriage or kids so seriously in the first place. I mean, of course he wants to get married and have kids some day. Sure some people definitely don't - but you can tell right away when you are dealing with someone that actually falls into that category (which in this day and age is still few and far in between).

If men know that women want to hear that they are open to getting married, why don't men just say it?

And if women know that when men say they aren't open to getting married they are probably bullshitting, why is it that so many of us have found ourselves putting so much weight on what they casually say?

Why is it even really necessary to have this conversations before you're sure you even want him in that way?

I mean, the right relationship will lead to marriage. It is not like your man being open to marriage will make it the right relationship. Let's not put the carriage in front of the horse...

Why should him saying the magic M word (eons before you are even sure he is the one you want to marry) matter?

Recycled-Man

Back in June of 2007, I went on a blind date. See http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-went-on-blind-date-and-all-i-got-was.html.

Last week, my girlfriend went on a blind date. With the same guy. And we didn't put two and two together until after.

Interestingly enough, we had exactly the same experience: harmless enough guy, zero spark (though she managed to get through her date with him without falling on her face - see post above for bloody details.)

Which leads me to my question: how is it that this guy has been getting recycled on blind dates for over a year? And worse yet, how is it that this is the caliber of man my friends and I are getting set up with?

Are recycled men all that's left on the market?

Women On Waves

Ok ladies, I know this isn't a political blog, but I guess the issue of abortion is female-centric enough to merit a mention. Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, I thought this was an incredibly important article highlighting what happens when abortion becomes illegal.

In the United States, we take abortion as a give in, not realizing that in many countries, it is just not an option. With this coming election, there are certain people on the ticket that would happily change a woman's right to chose whether or not to have an abortion... leaving women to consider using services like those offered by the "Women On Waves" organization.

I'm not commenting whether or not this would be a good or bad development in your nation's history (though I'm sure my tone has given it away by now...) So, think about where you stand, get to know the candidates' policies and make sure to vote on the 4th.

Dutch abortion ship sparks controversy in Spain

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=081015182545.kro529yr&show_article=1

A Spanish pro-life group said it plans to protest the arrival on Thursday of a Dutch boat that is offering to provide abortions that circumvent Spain's strict laws.

The boat is due to anchor off the Mediterranean port of Valencia, the Dutch non-profit organisation Women on Waves said on its web site.

From Friday, it will offer abortions on the ship in international waters under the Netherlands' more liberal abortion laws.

This "symbolic initiative" will allow "abortions outside Spanish law for the first time in Spain's recent history, but without violating it," said Spanish gynaecologist Josep Lluis Carbonell, one of the promoters.

But it has already sparked controversy.

Valencia's conservative mayor Rita Barbera termed the plan a "provocation that has sparked indignation."

The anti-abortion group Provida in Valencia said its members plan a protest aboard a smaller vessels when the boat arrives.

Spain decriminalised abortion in 1985 but only for certain cases: up to 12 weeks of pregnancy after a rape; up to 22 weeks in the case of malformation of the foetus; and at any point if the pregnancy represents a threat to the physical or mental health of the woman.
But the Socialist government last month said it plans to introduce a new law that will offer greater legal protection for women who wish to have an abortion and doctors who carry out the procedure.

The Women on Waves ship visited Ireland in 2001, Poland in 2003 and Portugal in 2004, sparking protests in each country.

Love At Last Sight

"It was love at first sight."

Ladies, we've all heard the story. Girl meets boy, eyes lock and hearts flutter. And then, a year later, or two or three, they get up at the wedding, make a toast, and say, "what can we say, it was love at first sight!"

Here is what I wonder, if it was love at first sight, what was the love based on? Chemistry? Physical attraction? Raw hope?

I hope, that when I decide to get married I can say that it was love at last sight. That the love we shared early on continued to grow, based on every interaction, every experience, every time something new was shared between us. I hope I can toast that the love that got us to the aisle was based on everything that came after "first sight" like learning about each others qualities, strengths, and even weaknesses.

That the love came not because of some instant gut feeling but because every day, every time we said goodbye, we could honestly say we experienced a new, more meaningful love, at each last sight.