The Amazing Re-Appearing Act

Last night I went to a friend's birthday party and he had hired a magician. No ordinary magician, mind you. A 70+ man who is an attorney/magician who is psychic. Pretty rare right? Not really.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that a LOT of men are actually magicians. One minute they are there, next minute, poof! they are gone. And then there are the ones who have mastered the art of the re-appearance.

What is the re-appearance you might ask?

Well, my girlfriend experienced the classic re-appearance act this morning by a grade A magician. He is a musician magician (quite possibly the worst kind).

Every time she is about to give up on the possibility of something happening between them (and ladies, it has been over a year that he has been popping in and popping out) he magically re-appears via text, e-mail and today, facebook message.

He never says much, but he says just enough to keep her hooked on the possibility. Let's just say today's message started with, "Hey Beautiful."

My question is, if we are all well aware of the bag of tricks by now, why do we still keep falling for the gags?

And if tricks are for kids, and we are looking for men, why do we keep coming back for more?

How To Get Divorced By Thirty

Here is an article by Sacsha Rothchild which has highlights from her book, "How to Get Divorced by Thirty - A beginner's guide to ending your starter marriage."

I say (as she does as well) that the point of this book is to learn all the rules, and then do exactly the opposite.

Ladies, what a world we live in where we all know exactly what the phrase "starter marriage" means. Hopefully by taking Sascha's advice, we can avoid the starter marriage all together. Call me old-fashioned, but I still like the idea of being in it for the long haul the first time around.

http://www.laweekly.com/la-vida/la-vida/how-to-get-divorced-by-30/18574/?page=1

Here are a quick rundown of some of her steps for getting divorced by 30 (god knows we are all guilty of committing some of them already!):

STEP ONE: Jump from your horrible early-20s relationship right into a mid-20s relationship without learning or growing or pondering what you really want out of a mate — then marry that person.

STEP TWO: Marry an actor.

STEP THREE: Believe that opposites attract.

STEP FOUR: Adhere to an arbitrary timetable.

STEP FIVE: Give a passive-aggressive ultimatum.

STEP SIX: Get married for a down payment.

STEP SEVEN: Plan the divorce while you plan the wedding.

STEP EIGHT: The invitations have already gone out.

STEP NINE: Compromise to the point that both parties are unhappy.

STEP TEN: Cling to distractions.

STEP ELEVEN: Move in together to save money.

STEP TWELVE: All your friends are doing it.

STEP THIRTEEN: Marry your high school sweetheart.

STEP FOURTEEN: Ignore your spouse and dive into a new addiction.

STEP FIFTEEN: Beat a dead horse.

The Adult Version of Playing Doctor: Friends with "Benefits"

We all remember being very young, and having that friend, who was the son of your mom's friend, who you'd have to entertain from time to time (ok, maybe it is not entertaining when you're seven, it is a playdate)...

And he was a boy and you were a girl and so what did you do? (besides pull each other's hair and step on each other's toes)

You'd play doctor (or some other exploratory game).

Today playing doctor with a friend of the opposite sex has evolved into "friends with benefits." You have the occasional playdate, but there are no strings attached, and it harmless exploratory fun for all intents and purposes... or is it?

Is it possible to actually have a friend with benefits without having the f-ing f-up the friendship?

The Perpetual Inner Conflict...

Mr. Hit and Run

A Victim of Mr. Hit and Run

The past few months, I've had the absolute displeasure of having several friends suffer the wrath of the worst kind of man: Mr. Hit and Run.


Who is Mr. Hit and Run you ask?

Well... one thing is for sure, he is certainly not what he seems at first blush. At the beginning, you meet. He is charming. Warm. And shock of all shocks, really available. Unlike other men you've met, he isn't trying to play games. He is trying to "get to know you" and wants to "spend time with you" and "misses you" and you think omg, I've hit the jack pot: A man who is willing to date without all the bs that oftentimes comes with dating. At the beginning, he is attentive, he calls you, he e-mails you (and not in a stalker kind of way... in a just the right amount kind of way). You make plans, and you never feel like he's upset about not being with his friends instead. You think (gulp) maybe this actually work out! Maybe he is boyfriend material.

But the thing is, he isn't. He is Mr. Hit and Run. And lets just say, he's not usually the type to even leave a note as you're left to figure out what the hell went wrong.

Everything is going well, maybe one month has passed, you saw each other last night, everything was normal, and today, for the first time, he hasn't called you.

You play it cool, you have faith in him, he's been so great, and normal and game-free... right? Wrong.

Two, three days pass, you call, he doesn't return. Mr. Attentive is now Mr. Super Flaky. And eventually, after maybe a week, it dawns on you: he's done.

No explanation, no blowout, no nothing. And the funny thing is, Mr. Hit and Run (unlike his cousin Mr. Hit It and Run) isn't about having sex with you and then dumping you. He'll leave before it even gets physical!

He's like a fucking genie: One minute he is there, and next minute, poof! he's gone... and you're left in his dust.

My question is: What in the world does Mr. Hit and Run get out of this? What is the point? I get Mr. One Date, Mr. One Night Stand, and even Mr. Hit It and Run... but this one is beyond me.

In a world without relationship insurance, how do spot Mr. Hit and Run in advance to avoid the collision?

Wine and Dine Her?

The other day my girlfriend and I were discussing the magic that engulfs us when we start dating someone new... what is it exactly that is so engaging about those first few weeks? Is it how interesting they are? How good looking? How intelligent?

We realized oftentimes it comes down to three little words:

Wine And Dine.

This little expression gets thrown around all the time. Wine and dine her, wine and dine her. And the other day it dawned on me: Liquor is HALF the equation when it comes to dating early on.

You go out to a swanky restaurant, he wants to impress you, you want to impress him, and lets face it, you are both a little nervous. That, and you both want to have fun. So what do you do?

You drink. He drinks. He gets tipsy (maybe) and you get drunk.

Two rasberrytinis later, he is charming, gorgeous, and gasp, the love of your life... you can feel it!

And before you have time to doubt yourself, you are on date number two, this time feeling the glow only two mojitos can bring on.

Ladies. Wine and Dine. This strategy is designed to ruin us. Next time you're on a first, second, third of fourth date, put the drinks away and get to know each other...

It'll save you the disillusionment (and the hangover) when the haze wears off and you wonder, what happened to the man I fell for? If there is truly a connection... it'll be even more magnetic without the liquor.

The Disney Phallacy

The Disney Phallacy in action....

(yes ladies, that is a penis on the cover of the Little Mermaid VHS)

A few posts ago, I wrote about the "Disney Fallacy." One anonymous poster aptly pointed out that another problematic aspect of Disney cinema is the Disney Phallacy: the tendancy to show women to be inherently inept victims who rely on prince charming to swoop in and save the day.

Sadly, this keen observation is entirely true... and has taken its toll on my personal value system. My brain tells me, "I am smart, indepedent, woman, hear me roar!" and yet when it comes to my future life partner, sometimes my heart tells me, "I am weak, incapable girl, come protect me/save me/provide for me." In reality, when I have been in relationships with these overly-controlling, seemingly valiant, not so charming "princes," I've absolutely run for the hills, because in the end my brain always wins over my disney-washed emotions.

That being said, Anonymous poster, you are still absolutely right. I have been cut by Disney's double-edged sword...the fallacy, and the phallacy. But, they say awareness is the first step, and I intend to re-craft my vision of "happily ever after."

Down with Disney Ladies! Down with Disney!

No Man Land: One Year Young

It all started, one giggle-filled night, exactly one year ago, with this post:

http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/04/were-have-all-men-gone.html

140 posts later, we are definitely many steps closer to understanding and curing LMS (lack of man syndrome).

Who would have thought that along the way, we would have learned so much about ourselves, life, and love at the same time?

Thanks for reading, and of course contributing...

With love,

SJ and Peanut

The Disney Fallacy

All my life, the repetition of three words have created a continuous hum in the back of my mind: Happily Ever After.

With these three words, the Disney Fallacy was implanted into my heart and soul, and the hearts of souls of other impressionable, sing-a-long loving, children.

Happily Ever After.

With each Disney movie, the girl meets boy, despite even the most insurmountable obstacle, they ride off into the sunset, to live happily ever after.

Aladdin and Jasmine overcame Jafar, Ariel grew legs for the love of God, Belle fell in love with the BEAST who turned out to be a prince, and Cinderella, with her bevy of mice and her fairy god mother managed to score the prince.

In reality, a poor pocket-picker like Aladdin would never score a princess, a fish and a human would never work out, Belle could NEVER love a non-human beast, and even with a fairy god mother, chances are a prince would never want a floor-scrubbing girl whose only friends have four legs.

When as children we are fed an image of a technicolor future that is so impossibly idealistic, how could we possibly expect the real thing not to be a let down? Is there such a thing as happily ever after as Disney leads us to believe?

Success + Success = Divorce?

According to this study, women can't have successful careers and a spouse with a successful career without ending up with a failed relationship.

Fantastic. (Sarcasm emphasized).

So basically, if you want a career and a marriage, are you required to give up the alpha male? Does every relationship need a more passive, less-successful partner in order to work?

(I sure hope not...)

Here is the article:

Women Lawyers Have Higher Divorce Rates, Need Loving Husbands, Researcher Says

http://www.abajournal.com/weekly/women_lawyers_have_higher_divorce_rates_need_loving_husbands_researcher_say

Posted Apr 1, 2008, 06:17 am CDT
By Debra Cassens Weiss

A researcher who has studied divorce rates for professional women, including lawyers, says her study indicates that "women can't have it all because there is a social stigma to having or being a stay-at-home spouse."

Law professor Robin Fretwell Wilson of Washington & Lee University is the author of the study.

Economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett, who conducted research on high-achieving women in 2001, theorizes that highly educated women have higher divorce rates than their male counterparts because they are attracted to successful men, and can’t give these men the care and support they need.

Wilson spoke with the Wall Street Journal about her findings, based on her analysis of 100,000 young professionals in business, law and medicine. She found that 10 percent of women with law degrees were divorced, compared to 7 percent of male lawyers.

Wilson’s study, which will be released next week, also found that female professionals are up to three times more likely to remain unmarried than men.

Story corrected at 1:53 p.m. April 4 to reflect that economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett theorized that successful women are not giving their mates the support they need.