The Original Carrie Bradshaw

Despite my love for Carrie Bradshaw's wit and style, my heart belongs to Helen Rowland. Helen was born in 1875 and let me tell you - from her writings, it is apparent that the dynamic between men and women hasn't changed much in the past hundred years. In 1909 she published a book, "Reflections of a Bachelor Girl" that is filled with the most incredible quotes... It is actually a pretty difficult book to find but well worth the search.

Here are some of the priceless quotes:

"As far as men are concerned, a woman's reputation for brains is worse than no reputation at all"

"Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself"

"It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others"

"A man can never be made to understand why a woman will pay fifty dollars for a hat containing ten dollars worth of material and forty dollars worth of style"

"A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them as charming little "personal characteristics"

"A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet"

"A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it"

"A man snatches the first kiss, pleads for the second, demands the third, takes the fourth, accepts the fifth - and endures all the rest"

My question is:

If we know how men are going to act and how they think (since apparently they haven't changed in over 100 years at least) why haven't we learned how to play their games yet?

Revisiting High School....

So, last night, I attended my little brother's school play. He is a senior in high school at my very own stomping grounds. Revisiting campus is always a trip. Walking down that path from the parking lot to the school's drama lab was a walk down memory lane, except that in high school I was a lot less fashionably dressed.

Why is it that we are all so inescapably awkward in high school?

Watching "Ugly Betty" I must say that sometimes I can relate. The funny glasses, (mine too were red-framed... and I thought - in may naivete - that I was SO cute in them), the untamed mane, the raging hormones... all signatures of my high school experience.

And shockingly, despite being almost a decade older, accomplished, and much more glamorous, I find myself somewhat intimidated by the cool kids in my brother's grade. How is that possible?

In any case, I digress. The purpose of this blog is boys, and let's just say that I found myself mesmerized by one in particular during intermission. Tall, charming, good-looking, confident... everything you would ever want in a man. Or I guess I should say boy. Ladies, he was eighteen, and in my brother's class.

So, needless to say that one didn't pan out :)

I guess I was attracted to him because he was essentially the high school golden boy that I never got when I was in high school.

Which leads me to my question:

Will I ever be free of who I was in high school? Or will I forever be trying to fulfill my unsatisfied needs from when I was 17?

How Much Should We Bend?

So today my cell phone gave me a very ominous warning message letting me know that I am running out of storage space. At first, I was completely annoyed. I mean, I've only had this phone for a year, how could it possible be running out of space? In any case, I decided it was time to delete some text messages. That is when I realized that I have 1677 text messages stored on my cell phone. A large majority of those texts represent my last relationship. Poor phone. No wonder it is running out of space. It has been forced to hold on to the remnants of a relationship that I have already moved on from. So, as I began deleting texts from my ex, I came across one that said:

"I just want you to be happy. I love you and I am willing to change anything for you."

I can't exactly explain how this text makes me feel. Throughout my last relationship, I did make a lot of demands on my ex to change. I wanted him to change everything from his views to his lifestyle to his driving habits. Thinking back on the demands I would make, I've come to realize something:

1. We need to accept people for who they are because at the end of the day, despite our best efforts and theirs, they are not going to change all that much.

Reading his text, I also started to wonder about the changes I made for the relationship and whether I was flexible enough and willing to change for his needs...

I guess my relationship with my ex is best summed up in the words of the Radiohead song, "Where I End And You Begin":

"There's a gap in between
There's a gap where we meet
Where I end and you begin
And I'm sorry for us"

So the question for today is:

How much should you bend in a relationship? Is it possible to truly find someone with whom you meet in the middle and there is no gap?

Being Bold At Boardner's...

Last night I went to my friend's 80's themed birthday party at Boardner's Bar. First off, here is a good tactic when attending a theme party: if you dress super hot, you'll look even better than the girls wearing silly 80's clothing. You may lose points for not taking part in the theme, but hey, I've never seen a guy hold that against a girl wearing short white shorts and super high heels.

So, last night, in light of my quest to overcome LMS (lack of man syndrome) I made an effort to be very sociable, talk to a lot of people, and generally put myself out there. Which leads me to my conquest of the evening, let's call him Mr. D.

So, I was introduced to Mr. D by a mutual friend. We both attended the same college and live only a few blocks away from each other, so we had some common ground to chit chat about. Mr. D is 25, owns his own business, wears cute glasses and has a great smile. He is in no way what I perceive to be my Mr. Right, but that doesn't mean he couldn't be Mr. Right Now, or Mr. Fun for the Summer.

At the end of the night, as he was leaving, I engaged him in the following conversation:

SexyJelly: "Since we both live in the same area, we should get together sometime and go to Coffee Bean!"
Mr. D: "Yes we should"
SexyJelly: (Waiting for him to ask for my number...getting nothing)
SexyJelly: "You should give me your number"
Mr. D: "Yeah! Give me yours too"
SexyJelly: (At this point I'm thinking, God, this guy must think I'm such a tool, and is just taking my number to be polite)
Mr. D: "How about we go to dinner instead of coffee? How about over the weekend?"
SexyJelly: (Success!!) "That sounds great."

So ladies, here is the moral of the story: sometimes, putting yourself out there really does work. I mean, I may have had to ask for his number "to go to coffee" but he turned around and propositioned me for dinner.

Which reminds me of No Man Land Rule #2, which was brought to us courtesy of Miss Peanut.

"Don't let the fear of strking out stop you from playing the game."

I'll keep you ladies posted if this one turns out to be a home run...

The DUMB vs. SMART Theory is now a CLOSED SUBJECT...

...a closed subject for me at least!

Today I had an epiphany.

I was conversing with some guys & I found myself not knowing what they were talking about on SEVERAL occasions. It's not like they were discussing the anatomy of rats... they were talking business, politics, regular every day life subjects.

I didn't know maybe 10 words (in a 1.5 hour period) that they used. I didn't know about 3 different subjects they were talking about... and guess what: I FELT DUMB! Then I realized, HELLO PEANUT!!! Epiphany: I don't have to act dumb, I just need to find smarter guys. I actually am dumb compared to those who are smarter than me. I am just hanging out with the wrong crowd, one in which I don't learn anything from. I need to find people who are smarter than me... not to mention, people who I admire and inspire to be. NOT a group of guys that I have to play mind games with & dumb myself down for.

P.S. It's not a good feeling to feel dumb. Maybe all my life I purposely surrounded myself with guys less powerful, less intelligent because I fear feeling inferior in some way. Who knows...

Are Online Communities Good For More Than Just Stalking?

So, in my experience, the best thing to do on an online community like myspace is to engage in online stalking...

While my ex and I were dating, I once asked him if he was on myspace. His response? "No way. I'm an attorney."

Well, either he has changed his profession or he is just a major hypocrite because sure enough, a month after we broke up, he myspaced himself. Ladies, he has a page with his picture, a song, a blurb about himself, and even a picture that I used to be in (but he cut me out of for myspace purposes).

Very very mature.

In any case, I digress. I myself was thrilled to see that he had joined myspace. At least this way I can keep tabs on what he is up to. It is amazing how much you can piece together by going through his page and the pages of his friends. (Wow, that sentence just made me feel like a major stalker. Note to self: cut down on myspace stalking).

The thing is, who takes online communities seriously? They are a fun forum for talking to existing friends or in my case, stalking old ones. They are not for falling in love or getting into a serious relationship.

Are they?

I mean, all the stories we hear about people who would actually meet online involved pedophiles and less-than-attractive couch potatoes in middle America, right?

Apparently not.

Last week I heard that a girl I know met and is engaged to a great guy she met on J-Date. Good looking, doctor, from a good family, the works.

I've been in shock ever since.

So here's my question: Is it now possible to meet people online? Am I in no man land because I have failed to embrace the digital romance revolution?

Is The Perfect Man A Myth?

So, last night peanut and I were discussing whether or not it is possible to get everything you dream about in one man. For me, until recently, I didn't quite know exactly what my requirements were. There are the obvious ones, i.e. successful, intelligent, family-oriented, etc. that I've known about for some time... but in the last year, more nuanced requirements have started to surface: he must be open-minded (i.e. liberal enough to listen to my rants without choking), cultural (i.e. he has to keep the CD of me singing in his car at all times) and health/safety conscious (ladies, you'd be surprised how often this requirement gets overlooked... i literally had to fight with my ex for several months to put his seatbelt on). And I've realized that each year, my list is only getting longer. So, basically with each year, Mr. Right becomes a more vivid, yet arguably less-attainable goal.

Which leads me to question:

With each passing year, is my personal Mr. Right becoming more and more of a Santa Clause?

Will I eventually have to sacrifice some of the things my additional years of life-experience have taught me to look for or can I hope for a Christmas miracle?

SEX: Does it make you happier?

Sometimes I wonder if sexual frustration causes any kind of real damage to my life or if its all psychological.

Well, this article proves that sex actually does make you a healthier person & does contribute to your happiness. It obviously doesn't equate to happiness, but is definitely a contributing factor.

http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/0,,askmen_bgswkm45-p,00.html

"A recent survey revealed that people who have more sex reported that they felt more at ease, happier and learned how to handle stress better. So perhaps the term "sexual frustration" is not too far from the truth."

The following are six different reasons why sex and sexual activity may help you live a longer, happier life due to the health benefits of sex:

1. Sex can cure headaches & relieve pain

2. Sex reduces stress & helps you sleep well

3. It increases blood flow "What this ultimately means is that the fresh supply of blood pumping through your body provides the organs with a healthy dose of oxygen and rids the body of old and wasteful products."

4. Body maintenance "Believe it or not, sexual intercourse burns off 150 calories every half hour."

5. Fountain of Youth "Although the orgasm is sometimes referred to as the "little death," having at least two orgasms a week can increase your life span."

6. Health Benefits of Sex galore "The health benefits of sex will make you feel wonderful within and without and you will gradually notice that the more sex you have, the more bounce you will have in each step. "

R Bar

So, tonight, when I realized it was 10 pm and I had officially wasted a perfectly good evening in the library doing nothing, Ms. S and I decided it was time to be rebels and make our first foray into Korea town to visit R Bar.

If you haven't been yet, I highly recommend it. First off, you have to knock and give a password to the door man (who peeks at you ominously and waits for the code word - yo ho ho).

Second, it is very dark and sexy inside and the juke box plays an ecclectic mix of kcrw-type music (i.e. Amy Winehouse). It wasn't overly crowded and the bartenders actually took the time to learn our names.

And it was in our conversation with Mickey, a pretty hot bartender, that we realized sometimes we should have already known: apparently being in law school doesn't always work in your favor.

So we are having a fun conversation with Mickey, when I casually mentioned that we go to school in the area.

Mickey (excitedly): "Oh where, FIDM?"

Me: "Oh no, actually we go to law school."

Mickey: (blank stare) "Oh."

And just like that, Mickey left to go to the other side of the bar. And just then I realized, wow, I should develop an alter ego.

Next time a bartender asks me what I do, just as an experiment, I'm going to be an SMC student training to be a vetrinarian ("because I love animals so much").

Because hey, the last thing you want is to turn off a bartender... at least he can provide enough wine so that no man land doesn't seem so lonely...

Peanut's Question of the Week

In my therapy session today, I was talking about certain issues with my parents and their expectations of me (which I know most people can relate to). In relation to one specific topic, I was telling him that ever since I was little I always wanted to end up marrying someone that was just a friend & that I all of a sudden developed feelings for (I think it's so cute to be like: "Hey remember when I found you obnoxious or annoying" when we are 50 sitting around on our asses together). My mother envisions a totally different way for me to find someone to marry & continuously drops hints and tries to get me to change my expectations & thoughts about how my future will pan out.

Do we actually keep ourselves from potential relationships because of our own rules, expectations & idiosyncrasies? OF COURSE the answer is YES. We all do. This brings me to my question: BUT is this something that we should be concerned about & work on to change? Should we try & rid of our rules and expectations of things in order to broaden our scope?

According to the book I am reading, "Now, Discover Your Strengths" I would like to say no. The book talks about focusing on your unique talents (which it describes as synapses in your brain). The less synapses you have & the more you focus on them, the stronger your strengths will be (and the more effective you will be as a person). BUT if you just try to create more synapses, you ignore the strongly connected ones (weakening them) & just create a lot more weak connections.

IN OTHER WORDS (in peanut terms -- since I don't like complicated words or sentences), you are forcing something upon yourself that is unnatural.

This relates to my question because: just because i may broaden my scope or my pool of guys doesn't necessarily mean that I will better my chance of ending up with a 'better' (whatever that means) man which we women tend to think automatically equates to a better life and marriage.

Does this make sense? Any opinions?