I Want to Be With You?

We've all been there. You're in a relationship and the guy your with is making things difficult. He isn't being flexible. He isn't changing. He doesn't want to meet your needs - no matter how much you try to get him to. But yet, he says he loves you. And so you stay.

Or, there is the guy who stops calling even though "everything was perfect." The one who failed to say, "All I Want is You" but never gave you a reason.

We all fantasize about the man that says, "you name the terms - all I want is you" but is that really what we want? Maybe we've been lucky, all this time, that he didn't change, that he didn't bend and brake to be what we wanted, because maybe, when the luster wore off, he'd be upset about the man he became for you. Maybe we are actually lucky that things didn't work out - even if we didn't get an explanation - because he really wasn't as great a fit as we thought.

Perhaps the man we want is the one who just fits, without you having to name the terms. The one whose terms meet your terms. The one who seizes the opportunity to grow with you and meet your needs, but fundamentally is your match. The one who doesn't run away because he sees the value in the relationship as much as you do.

Fall in love with the one who you accept - as is. Chances are, he'll be the one to accept who you are - as is. Then the relationship will be on both of your terms.

34 Is the New Sexy

Eva Mendes, Actress, 34

Well ladies, it seems that the good times have yet to come (punn only semi-intended.) According to this study, women bring sexy back at 34...

Women feel they are sexiest at 34

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/HealthSci/Women_feel_they_are_sexiest_at_34/rssarticleshow/3810703.cms
LONDON: Being sexy is often perceived to be a key essence of femininity. And, now a new study has found that women feel most sexy at the age of 34. Researchers have based their findings on a survey of over 1,000 women who were questioned about their sex lives - the majority of respondents said that it was at the age of 34 when they had felt more sexy. The survey also revealed that middle-aged women have half as much sex as they did when they were younger - in fact the researchers found that that on average women aged 45 to 60 have sex 4.5 times a month, compared to 10.4 times a month in their 20s and 30s. However, 56% of the respondents said they enjoyed it now more than they did when they were younger, British newspaper the Daily Telegraph reported. Sex and relationship advisor Dr Catherine Hood said: “Many of us make the assumption that older people have less sex than the young, and this research appears to confirm this. However, it does show that women are still enjoying great sex lives as they get older. “Women’s sexual needs, libido and lifestyle change over time, but there is absolutely no reason why older women can’t enjoy an extremely fulfiling sex life in their middle age and well into their senior years. “The fact that over half of those quizzed said they had better sex now than in their 20s and 30s suggests that these women are more confident and self-assured than they were in their younger days and aren’t afraid of getting what they want.” The research commissioned by moisturiser brand Astral questioned 1,031 women about their sex lives.

What Women Want

In this excerpt from a newspaper in 1928, columnist LUCIEN LELONG, wrote about what women want as gifts for the holidays in 1928...

"I shall not speak about men at this time. Any clever woman knows well what any man wants. But for her critical sisters it is more difficult. I have had no small occasions to observe the ladies, and I find that in most cases they love best the small extravagance of life. Only the unimaginative like the utilitarian gift. A bottle of perfume, a scarf, a jewel, a bag, powder, rouge, a negligee, a flower, anything that is not an actual necessity, but a charming extravagance, is an agreeable gift to almost any woman."

Her wisdom though, as shown in the full article below, is in in how she is able to suggest different gifts for different women. To chose the right gift, you really must know the woman you are buying for... A gift can show you just how well someone knows you, and just how important it is to them to make you happy.

When your man buys you a gift, it is not the extravagance you should note... It is the appropriateness. Find a man who buys a gift that you actually love, and ladies, the greater gift you receive may be the realiziation that you just may have found the right man.

See here for the full article, which I've also posted below (it was too good not to!)http://blogs2.startribune.com/blogs/oldnews/archives/195?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUUsr

Women Love Luxury Gifts at Christmas
Small Extravagance IsMost Certain to Please,Says Lelong
By LUCIEN LELONG

What are we going to do about Christmas this year?

That question has found lodgment in the minds of most of us. Happiness at this season is a right not to be denied, and I think the shortest route to happiness for all is the right gift for the right person.

This is easy, as simple as sunrise and as inevitable, if you know what the recipient of the gift you buy really wants. I don’t mean extravagant things. Supposing everybody secretly longs for a diamond necklace, a yacht or a castle in Spain. That is not the whole story. Those same people who yearn for these impossible (to most of us) gifts also wish just as sincerely for something that is quite simply within reach.

Small Extravagances Liked

I shall not speak about men at this time. Any clever woman knows well what any man wants. But for her critical sisters it is more difficult. I have had no small occasions to observe the ladies, and I find that in most cases they love best the small extravagance of life. Only the unimaginative like the utilitarian gift. A bottle of perfume, a scarf, a jewel, a bag, powder, rouge, a negligee, a flower, anything that is not an actual necessity, but a charming extravagance, is an agreeable gift to almost any woman.

She may buy any or all of these things for herself, but the gift-giver, a diviner, selects something different, and thereby masters the secret of successful giving. We all yearn for what discretion and practical reasons may prevent us choosing for ourselves.

If you are choosing perfume – and what woman doesn’t like it? – select a scent that is famous and fine. Jewels that are novelties, in reach of most of you, may be chosen for their chic, which is extremely important, as for instance the new metal daytime jewelry, or crystals, or rosequartz. Type and style will depend on the person to receive them.

In selecting scarfs as gifts you will choose between sports scarfs, daytime or evening scarfs, and you will be guided by the interests of the friend for whom you choose a gift.
And bags. A capacious bag which carries a small but useful umbrella for the woman who goes out every day – an evening bag of fine old brocade for the lady who loves the correct things for evening. Choose felt flowers for the sports woman, and fragile flowers for the friend in love. Pajamas are the smartest of gifts for certain ladies, and negligees for others.

Study your friend first and select the gift afterward. This gift research will repay you in happiness for having chosen the right thing at the right time.

It's Harry's Fault After All

A while back, Peanut posted about the purpose of guy friends, see http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2008/06/purpose-of-guy-friends.html, citing When Harry Met Sally, a movie we often debate about.

Well, it turns out, we debate over that seminal romantic comedy for good reason: romantic comedies are partly to blame for women's unrealistic expectations when it comes to love and relationships. That's right ladies: Rom-Coms are ruining your love life.

Rather than trying to achieve some lonely screenwriter's ideal, get to know yourself and find someone who fulfills your most fundamental needs. The relationship that ensues may be far from perfect, but it will be real, and more than that it will be yours. Yours to improve upon, grow through, and enjoy. If you merely co-opt Hollywood's portrayal of perfect, you'll just end up alone, disillusioned and most importantly, unfulfilled.

No Man Land Rule: Leave the Hollywood ideal for Bennifer and Brangelina: craft your own fantasy relationship

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Rom-coms 'spoil your love life'

For the full article, click here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/7784366.stm.

Watching romantic comedies can spoil your love life, a study by a university in Edinburgh has claimed.

Rom-coms have been blamed by relationship experts at Heriot Watt University for promoting unrealistic expectations when it comes to love.

They found fans of films such as Runaway Bride and Notting Hill often fail to communicate with their partner.

Many held the view if someone is meant to be with you, then they should know what you want without you telling them.

Psychologists at the family and personal relationships laboratory at the university studied 40 top box office hits between 1995 and 2005, and identified common themes which they believed were unrealistic.

The movies included You've Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping.

The university's Dr Bjarne Holmes said: "Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it. We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people's minds. The problem is that while most of us know that the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by media portrayals than we realise."

I'm A Goal Digger

Last night my boyfriend and I were joking around that I'm planning on marrying him for his money... i.e. that I'm a gold digger.

His response: "No baby, you are a goal digger."

And you know what, he is absolutely right. I am with him because I dig the fact that my boyfriend, Mr. Neighbor, has goals. Every day, he sets new goals for himself and in due time he always accomplishes them. He does more than just reach for gold: he makes choices that he knows will give him personal fulfillment in addition to financial gain. I strive for the same balance now in my own life, looking beyond the bottom line and finding goals that truly elevate my happiness.

He has shown me that gold is just a distraction - though necessary, not always as fulfilling as one might expect (which is why we've both implemented shopping moratoriums - but that is for another post).

No Man Land Rule: Don't be distracted by pretty shiny things: be a goal digger, not a gold digger.

Mind the Gaps (Don't Fill Them In)

This post is in response to your last one Peanut, about Mindfulness. I was going to post a comment - but I believe that an actual post is in order.

Peanut, I urge you to mind the gaps. Don't fill them in. Let me explain.

Reading your last post, I realized that you are in the process of committing the cardinal sin of dating (one that we all unfortunately fall prey to): you are unilaterally going back and analyzing the past, and in the process, filling in all the gaps to try to understand what went wrong.

It is truly heart-breaking when a relationship that is going so well seemingly dissapates overnight. And of course, we all have a tendency to find a way to blame ourselves - as you did, when you went into your analysis.

It is quite possible that you did nothing wrong at all - that things just didn't work out. Although I totally agree with you that it is important to live in the moment and be mindful - I don't believe going back and retracing your every step on every date is mindfulness - I think in fact it is the opposite.

We all need to be wary of filling in the gaps when things don't work out. It only leads to an endless amount of analysis, that is almost always at our own expense.

So my love, keep in this moment by realizing that he was the luckiest and so will the next man to enter into your life. The only difference is - the next one will hopefully realize just how lucky he is.

The Importance of Mindfulness in Dating

Mindfulness is used a lot in yoga and is a synonym for living consciously. To live consciously you have to be present at each moment of your life. At first this may seem silly and you may think ,"Yeah I am always present." Although it may feel that you are present physically, mentally and emotionally... you are often not. If you are like me, just an average human being, you will probably notice that you spend a lot of moments thinking about something that you need to do, analyzing something you did, imagining or fantasizing about something you want, numb or just wishing you could be in another moment. But to be mindful means to actually hear your thoughts as they appear, to observe your feelings as they arise, accept each moment as it is and if someone else is talking to listen consciously to the person instead of being engaged in things that my arise within you.

I find that when I get nervous, scared or too excited I am not mindful, rather I am all wrapped up in my feeling and everything that I say or do is just reactionary and not mindful at all. In fact, I often may say or do things that I don't even mean to say or do. And in retrospect, I wonder why on earth I did.

Okay okay... enough with the psychological and spiritual talk. What does this have to do with dating? Well, in the recent months I have been doing a lot of dating... first it was 1-2 dates with a few different people and then one guy for a short month. This morning as I a lay in my bed hungover from my big turkey meal I started to recall a few instances where I was out with the guy I dated for a month and I said things that were, well, not so friendly - mostly ego bashing to be perfectly honest. Why? Why on earth would I be mean to someone I was interested in. As I started to remember the details of that night, I remember feeling nervous, insecure and more importantly I was not in a mindful place at all. I reacted on my nervous and insecure feelings almost the whole night without even knowing it at the time. In retrospect, I wish I had been more mindful... I wish I had observed my insecure feelings and just let them hang out on the side of my night, instead of takeover. It's easy to be mindful when you are in an enclosed quiet space doing yoga with your eyes closed... and much more challenging to be mindful when you have several external activities that are creating negative feelings to rise leaving you weak and vulnerable. I could easily say that this was one of the first times I, as an adult, have been nervous around a guy. Why this person made me nervous calls for a whole nother discussion. But, if it happened to me, I am 100% sure it happens to everyone and what a shame. Then I quickly recalled Bill Nye the Science Guy... on my second date with him, he talked and talked and talked my ear off about himself and it was possibly one of the most draining dates that I have been on. He was probably being overly-obnoxious because he was so nervous. Although I am not quite sure why he was nervous, the point is... if only he were a little more mindful, he would have given me a chance to talk (like he does on the phone or online).

How many dates do we kill by not being mindful? It may have been my first time being super nervous around a guy, but I am sure it is a common problem for a lot of people. The lesson is don't ruin the moment by not being in it.

If I could, I would apologize to my guy... sorry for saying stupid things I didn't mean. I actually did have a lot on my mind that I should have shared, but I guess I was just too nervous and not mindful enough. Since I can only learn now from my mistakes, I am going to be more mindful in each moment in my life... and since I recently had a struggle on date, I am going to start by practicing to be more mindful on my next date. Just show up and be present.

Choose Me, Pick Me, Love Me...

If you watch Grey's Anatomy, I am sure you remember the scene when Meredith literally tells Derek to choose her. Even though she was asking him to pick her over another woman, I think her line resonates with a lot of us. It's not often we get to say out loud, "please pick me," when we secretly want to be chosen by a man.

I've heard a lot of stories from men about how they knew 'she was the one' early on - sometimes at first glace, sometimes after the first date... however the story unfolds, it always seems to be the man who chooses the woman.

Today I had lunch with the CEO of a pretty large publication... he was talking about how lucky he is to be with his wife - to have found her. He said that right when he saw her, he knew she was the one because she was everything he dreamt of growing up. I was moved, touched... speechless. I sat there secretly hoping someone would say that about me one day. Later this afternoon I started thinking about the other people in my life, some of the other stories and some of my own dating stories. And I wondered, does it always have to be the man to 'know' from the beginning that the woman is 'the one.' Can it ever be the woman? I couldn't think of a single case where a woman said that she knew right from the beginning that she had found her man. Is it because it never occurs or do they not admit to it?

This got me thinking even more; does this mean that we ladies wait around for someone to pick us out from the crowd, to choose us, love us... If we picked someone what would we do? Ask the guy to choose us, pick us? Some may think Meredith was bold for saying it straight out; but a lot of people may think it was desperate. Even though we think we live in an era where egalitarian relationships are the norm, it seems as though the courting period is somewhat 'in progress,' if you will. Men still seem to be the ones who lead the relationship into the future and if a woman tries to step in, she might just be judged.

The Pursuit of Happiness

From right about the time we are born, something peculiar starts to happen: our happiness becomes tied to external cues. Whether it was getting milk when we cried, or toys on our birthdays, it was always something external that was responsible for elevating our moods. As women, I believe this is especially true. Just look at what having a man around can do to us. All it takes is a survey of prior posts on this very blog to see that when a man comes into the picture, Peanut and I suddenly got a lot more excited, well, about everything. Even ourselves.

And with this post, as we are a little over one month shy of a new year, I hope that I can express my wish for the future:

I would like to take charge of my own happiness, and I invite all of you to join in. Ladies of No Man Land, let the internalization of happiness commence.

By taking charge of your happiness you take power away from volatile externalities, whether they be your job, your relationships or your material possessions. At the end of the day (and I don't mean to sound morbid) we can only rely on ourselves, since it is only our own hearts and minds that we have true control over. Why not find a way to be happy everyday - regardless of what life brings?

Now, this doesn't mean external cues aren't great - they absolutely are. But, your day to day happiness shouldn't depend on them. Create passion, hope and fulfillment within yourself, and leave the external happiness cues for icing on your happiness cake.

Ultimately, your happiness should belong to you... Look within and create your fulfillment.

The Cure to Winter Blues: Manage Your Expectations

KEEP YOUR EXPECTATIONS MODEST.
Don’t get hung up on what the holidays are supposed to be like and how you’re supposed to feel. If you’re comparing your holidays to some abstract greeting card ideal, they’ll always come up short. So don’t worry about holiday spirit and take the holidays as they come.

In an article posted on WebMD, http://www.webmd.com/depression/holiday-depression-8/boost-mood-tips?print=true (25 ways to find joy & balance during the holidays), I can't help but to focus on #1 (above)! Some of the 25 are quite funny, but #1 is the definitely the cure to holiday season blues.

Chatting with a girlfriend today, I realized there are quite a few people who tend to get a little blue as the holiday season approaches. Maybe it's the weather? Maybe being single during the holidays is hard... whatever it may be, the case of the winter blues can be rather difficult. It's not like summer, where you can jump in your bikini, layout, swim, flirt, and be out and about socializing to create excitement in your days. As December approaches I can't help but worry, not just for myself but for all of us single girls out there who don't have holiday plans and will probably just wait around till plans pop up, secretly wishing our reality matched up with our fantasies of what the holiday season would be like. We all have ideals of how holidays are supposed to be, how our dates are supposed to be, how are men are supposed to be, and a list of other things. Dropping these expectations can really make life a lot easier to live. That's why this holiday season, I am focusing on keeping my expectations modest in order to shift out of a place of constant disappointment.

This past summer I decided to implement what I like to call a 'granola' way of living: straying away from excess, excess shopping, eating, spending; detaching myself from a lot of material items I previously needed to have; amongst many other tactics in an effort to live a more modest, de-materialized life. In the process I not only experienced the essence of gratitude, I also built character and realized some of my internal issues. After a few months of consciously implementing daily rules I had set for myself, I ended up falling somewhere in the middle... I shifted out of my old ways permanently and now live a much healthier lifestyle. Hopefully, the cure to winter blues this winter will serve as yet another shift and growth for me in 2008.

Music was my boyfriend?

A long time ago, before the chapters in my life entitled "law school" and now "lawyer," I was a musician. The "musician" chapter lasted from age 4 through roughly age 23. I played the piano, I wrote music, I sang, I collaborated with other musicians, and I was generally a very inspired and creative person. And then it just stopped. All of it. I stopped playing, singing, creating, composing, even listening to music. What I loved most about my life and myself just up and disappeared.

The thing is, when someone asks me, "are you still playing" or "are you still singing" (which many people do, since it was such a big part of my identity) I shrug my shoulders, make a sad face, and explain, "law school ate my soul."

What I wonder is, if it is something I really love and miss, why don't I just do it? And if I don't miss it? Why? I can honestly say that singing and playing the piano were two of my favorite most fulfilling things in life. And now: poof. They are both gone.

There is another interesting correlation though, that should be noted. My most creative moments were when I was single (i.e. from age four through twenty-something)... It has always happened that when I am in a happy relationship I tend to shy away from my musical enterprises. I've essentially been in three back to back relationships during the past four years and during that time, I guess you can say that instead of being in a relationship with music, I was in a relationship with men.

Is it possible that I'm only creative when I'm alone? Is that why most love songs are about love lost? And if so, how can I find away to re-unite with my ex (my music lover) without having to give up my current boyfriend?

Rubber Band Theory: Don't Be Afraid of Letting Go

I read a few of John Gray's Mars and Venus books a few years ago. One thing that stuck with me because I had noticed it before in my own experiences was his theory that men are like rubber-bands. When they leave they always come back just like nothing ever happened and no time has gone by. (Providing of course that the woman leaves them alone.) I've been reminded of that theory again in the last two weeks. At least 3 different guys who I had dated in the past but hadn't seen or talked to for months have IM'd and started talking to me within the last week or so for no apparent reason and just took up from where they left off like no time has gone by. The only acknowledgment that they even realized it had been a while was that they were all trying to see if I'm still available or not.

~Candy Lily from MatchDoctor.Com

My recent love interest of a month ended last night because he said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even though he thought I was the most amazing girl he has ever met. Although this makes no logical sense to me, I have chosen to let go - to once in my life trust the bigger universe we live in and the plans it has for me. I know what I want in a relationship and so does the universe... so I am surrendering to the flow of life. I quoted this girl above because deciding to let go has also given me a little hope in the rubber band theory... that maybe in the process of letting go I am actually doing myself a favor. If it really is meant to be with this guy, he will bounce back at a time that is more appropriate for him and maybe for me, without having had dated and ended things on messy/bad terms.

It's funny because I posted a few months ago about how 3 out of 4 of my x-boyfriends had recently touch based with me in the most heartfelt of ways, apologizing for whatever wrong they did. This interaction could have easily rekindled a relationship if we were meant to be. The 4th one is married and has a child. So to say that I don't believe in the rubber band theory would be hard -- because I have proof.

Although, a girl can dream a dream of a romantic story where their prince charming leaves a note on their car after a year of not talking (wink wink SJ) and makes an effort to make something happen, a smart woman can't depend on the rubber band theory. Which is why I am back in the dating scene...ready to face the darkness and uncertainty all over again!

And every time I lose hope or start to feel negatively about myself, I will look up to our President as my inspiration, believing that I too will find someone who stands tall and proud and calls me his best friend, rock of the family and love of his life! Feels good to have a President to look up to for once in our lives.

So here's to dating, the rubber band theory, letting go and continuously learning new things about relationships and building successful ones. The cure to LMS doesn't come overnight; it's a process ;)

Inspired By Your Love

After last night's excitement, I woke up to an email today and I quote my girlfriend:

"I thought to myself, if Obama can become president, I can wake my ass up in the morning and go to the gym…so, I woke up at 5am and went to the gym!"

It hasn't even been 24 hours and everywhere I turn, I see and hear that people are inspired... and so excited for a new beginning. People have been updating their facebook status to things like "I am proud to be an American tonight," "Crying tears of joy," "Excited for change," amongst a play on words like OH-Bama! It is really an exciting time to be living in. Obama is an inspiration for various reasons; everyone has their own.

But for the purposes of this blog... let's discuss his love for Michelle. Obviously we don't know what goes on behind closed doors... but I have to say, "Mr. President you captured my heart with your speech last night, specifically when you sincerely and passionately thanked Michelle, 'your best friend and the rock of the family'." I aspire for a relationship like theirs. Egalitarian. Loving. Authentic. Passionate. Strong. Supportive. Romantic, despite life's challenges. Thank you for inspiring me. I am excited and curious to see how the next 4 years pan out! Cheers to a new beginning and to finding a love like Barack and Michelle Obama's!

P.S. The pic above is my absolute favorite. I heart them.

Mental Hiccups

If you've ever had the hiccups for an extended period of time, you know that it could be quite exhausting... just when you think it's gone for good, it's back! It lingers around in the background of your time and annoys you, possibly annoys you so much that you can't even focus. If you're a little crazy you might get angry at yourself that you can't get rid of it... you hold your breath, drink a full cup of water in one shot, swallow sugar, do a headstand while holding your breath, try to scare yourself?, amongst other ridiculous remedies. But you are definitely not calm, and the more you try to get rid of it, the time between each hiccup seems to be shortening leaving you with no normal breaths! And all you want to do is run to the top of some canyon and yell at the top of your lungs.

Recently, I have had boy issues on my mind that cause the insecure sides of me to creep up and take over my whole existence. Much like the hiccup, just when I think I am okay... and back to my normal self, I start to feel insecure again! I don't know what to do to get rid of it... it's just spiraling out of control. Day after day after day... it's been almost a week now and I am starting to feel a little bit exhausted. Unfortunately, unlike the hiccups there are no remedies that I can seek externally, I know I must find resolve within myself but I can't seem to grab hold of anything that makes the hiccup of insecurity go away forever! If you have ever felt this way and have suggestions... please comment.

Holding My Breath

In yoga, the instructor always mentions the breath. Move with your breath. Follow your breath. Focus on your breath.

In my practice, as I move from one position to another... with the instructor's voice in the background, "Breathe in & move into warrior 1... breathe out," I always always find that my breaths are just shorter than that of the average person. I actually sometimes hear people breathing and I think, "Wow! They can really breathe out for a long time." So in order to sync myself with the class, I always end up holding my breath in between: Breathe in, hold...breathe out, hold...

As you all may remember, I set a goal for myself to make patience my #1 virtue (read post: http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/10/patience-is-my-1-virtue.html). In the recent year I have injected a little bit of patience here and a little there... but when push comes to shove, I am just not a patient person. Recently, I started dating a guy. We have been out 6 or 7 times now and as you may tell from my last post, I yearn for more and more to come faster and faster and to know what's gonna happen next. I get it, it's not good. So I held back... in an effort to not come on too strong I was criticized by him for not showing any affection or interest. Was I sending the wrong message? Here I am trying to be patient and hands off, while this guy is expecting me to be more aggressive!?!?

As I hold my breath, day after day... trying to be patient with the process, I honestly feel confused. Do I play the game? Do I act like myself? I mean the fact is, I can't hold my breath forever... I am naturally impatient. The man who ends up with me is gonna find out sooner or later!

Yogis believe you should move at your own pace, but if my pace is naturally faster than others, should I hold my breath to sync with the one I am dating or should I be true to my own natural rhythms?

My closing thought:

This morning in yoga I was really thinking about last night's awkward interaction with the guy I am dating. I'm not gonna lie, I panicked last night and slipped into teenage girl mode: OMG It's totally over, I can't believe this! But as I slowed down to process what was going on this morning I started to realize that I am actually clueless about what is going on on his end of things, but on my end of things... I've definitely lost my life's balance since he came around. He has thrown me off my equilibrium and I have become sorta unable to 'hold my breath' and sorta unable to make clear decisions about what my reactions and actions should be. When I first started my business back in 2006, I remember feeling the exact same way. Every thing was a time bomb waiting to explode! Every little thing that went wrong was the end of my business... a catastrophe waiting to happen. I was unable to make clear decisions about my reactions and my business. I was a kid. I didn't know what I was doing. As time passed I gained experience, I learned how to make decisions and gained trust in my decisions. What I realized in yoga this morning, probably in the seconds I was holding my breath and slipped away in my thoughts, is that I am sorta a kid when it comes to dating and building long lasting relationships. I don't trust my ability to make clear decisions. I am always confused as to whether or not there is a trick to things or if I should follow my gut. Should I call? Should I not? Should I tell him this or that? If building a business is anything like building a relationship, then I know that I will get to that place where I feel confident in my abilities and trust my decisions one day. Maybe that day is not today or next week... I guess I will just have to hold my breath and wait it out.

The M Word

On Sunday, the boyfriend and I were enjoying the sun and each other's company while we were on a hike when I couldn't help but overhear the conversation going on between two power hiker twenty-something women who were racing past us.

Girl #1: So, I was talking to him and brought up the future and you won't believe what he said!
Girl #2: Oh no.
Girl #1: Oh yes. He said he doesn't know if he wants to ever get married and have kids.
Girl #2: OH NO.
Girl #1: Oh yes. And then he asked me, what about you? And I said, um, YEAH, totally!

And I looked at my boyfriend and started laughing because one of the greatest points of contention in our relationship is that he used to say the same thing. In fact, one of my closest friends dumped her ex for saying the same thing as well.

Luckily, through time and open-minded conversations the boyfriend and I have discovered that we are both in fact open to marriage. And when I think about it now in retrospect, I don't know why I took anything he said about maybe not wanting marriage or kids so seriously in the first place. I mean, of course he wants to get married and have kids some day. Sure some people definitely don't - but you can tell right away when you are dealing with someone that actually falls into that category (which in this day and age is still few and far in between).

If men know that women want to hear that they are open to getting married, why don't men just say it?

And if women know that when men say they aren't open to getting married they are probably bullshitting, why is it that so many of us have found ourselves putting so much weight on what they casually say?

Why is it even really necessary to have this conversations before you're sure you even want him in that way?

I mean, the right relationship will lead to marriage. It is not like your man being open to marriage will make it the right relationship. Let's not put the carriage in front of the horse...

Why should him saying the magic M word (eons before you are even sure he is the one you want to marry) matter?

Recycled-Man

Back in June of 2007, I went on a blind date. See http://lanomanland.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-went-on-blind-date-and-all-i-got-was.html.

Last week, my girlfriend went on a blind date. With the same guy. And we didn't put two and two together until after.

Interestingly enough, we had exactly the same experience: harmless enough guy, zero spark (though she managed to get through her date with him without falling on her face - see post above for bloody details.)

Which leads me to my question: how is it that this guy has been getting recycled on blind dates for over a year? And worse yet, how is it that this is the caliber of man my friends and I are getting set up with?

Are recycled men all that's left on the market?

Women On Waves

Ok ladies, I know this isn't a political blog, but I guess the issue of abortion is female-centric enough to merit a mention. Regardless of which side of the fence you are on, I thought this was an incredibly important article highlighting what happens when abortion becomes illegal.

In the United States, we take abortion as a give in, not realizing that in many countries, it is just not an option. With this coming election, there are certain people on the ticket that would happily change a woman's right to chose whether or not to have an abortion... leaving women to consider using services like those offered by the "Women On Waves" organization.

I'm not commenting whether or not this would be a good or bad development in your nation's history (though I'm sure my tone has given it away by now...) So, think about where you stand, get to know the candidates' policies and make sure to vote on the 4th.

Dutch abortion ship sparks controversy in Spain

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=081015182545.kro529yr&show_article=1

A Spanish pro-life group said it plans to protest the arrival on Thursday of a Dutch boat that is offering to provide abortions that circumvent Spain's strict laws.

The boat is due to anchor off the Mediterranean port of Valencia, the Dutch non-profit organisation Women on Waves said on its web site.

From Friday, it will offer abortions on the ship in international waters under the Netherlands' more liberal abortion laws.

This "symbolic initiative" will allow "abortions outside Spanish law for the first time in Spain's recent history, but without violating it," said Spanish gynaecologist Josep Lluis Carbonell, one of the promoters.

But it has already sparked controversy.

Valencia's conservative mayor Rita Barbera termed the plan a "provocation that has sparked indignation."

The anti-abortion group Provida in Valencia said its members plan a protest aboard a smaller vessels when the boat arrives.

Spain decriminalised abortion in 1985 but only for certain cases: up to 12 weeks of pregnancy after a rape; up to 22 weeks in the case of malformation of the foetus; and at any point if the pregnancy represents a threat to the physical or mental health of the woman.
But the Socialist government last month said it plans to introduce a new law that will offer greater legal protection for women who wish to have an abortion and doctors who carry out the procedure.

The Women on Waves ship visited Ireland in 2001, Poland in 2003 and Portugal in 2004, sparking protests in each country.

Love At Last Sight

"It was love at first sight."

Ladies, we've all heard the story. Girl meets boy, eyes lock and hearts flutter. And then, a year later, or two or three, they get up at the wedding, make a toast, and say, "what can we say, it was love at first sight!"

Here is what I wonder, if it was love at first sight, what was the love based on? Chemistry? Physical attraction? Raw hope?

I hope, that when I decide to get married I can say that it was love at last sight. That the love we shared early on continued to grow, based on every interaction, every experience, every time something new was shared between us. I hope I can toast that the love that got us to the aisle was based on everything that came after "first sight" like learning about each others qualities, strengths, and even weaknesses.

That the love came not because of some instant gut feeling but because every day, every time we said goodbye, we could honestly say we experienced a new, more meaningful love, at each last sight.

You Smell Good (I think?)

The Pill makes women pick bad mates

Ability to sniff out a compatible partner affected by taking contraceptives

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26180187/

Birth control pills could screw up a woman's ability to sniff out a compatible mate, a new study finds.

While several factors can send a woman swooning, including big brains and brawn, body odor can be critical in the final decision, the researchers say. That's because beneath a woman's flowery fragrance or a guy's musk the body sends out aromatic molecules that indicate genetic compatibility.

Major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes are involved in immune response and other functions, and the best mates are those that have different MHC smells than you. The new study reveals, however, that when women are on the pill they prefer guys with matching MHC odors.

MHC genes churn out substances that tell the body whether a cell is a native or an invader. When individuals with different MHC genes mate, their offspring's immune systems can recognize a broader range of foreign cells, making them more fit.

Past studies have suggested couples with dissimilar MHC genes are more satisfied and more likely to be faithful to a mate. And the opposite is also true with matchng-MHC couples showing less satisfaction and more wandering eyes.

"Not only could MHC-similarity in couples lead to fertility problems," said lead researcher Stewart Craig Roberts, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Newcastle in England, "but it could ultimately lead to the breakdown of relationships when women stop using the contraceptive pill, as odor perception plays a significant role in maintaining attraction to partners."

Sexy scents
The study involved about 100 women, aged 18 to 35, who chose which of six male body-odor samples they preferred. They were tested at the start of the study when none of the participants were taking contraceptive pills and three months later after 40 of the women had started taking the pill more than two months prior.

For the non-pill users, results didn't show a significant preference for similar or dissimilar MHC odors. When women started taking birth control, their odor preferences changed. These women were much more likely than non-pill users to prefer MHC-similar odors.

"The results showed that the preferences of women who began using the contraceptive pill shifted towards men with genetically similar odors," Roberts said.

Pregnant state
Based on the work by Claus Wedekind, a University of Lausanne researcher who preformed similar studies in the 1990s, Roberts suggests a likely reason for the pill's effect on a woman's odor preferences. The pill puts a woman's body into a hormonally pregnant state (the reason she doesn’t ovulate), and during that time there would be no reason to seek out a mate.

"When women are pregnant there's no selection pressure, evolutionarily speaking, for having a preference for genetically dissimilar odors," Roberts said. "And if there is any pressure at all it would be towards relatives, who would be more genetically similar, because the relatives would help those individuals rear the baby."

So the pill puts a woman's body into a post-mating state, even though she might be still in the game.

”The pill is in effect mirroring a natural shift but at an inappropriate time,” Roberts told LiveScience.

The results are detailed in the current issue of the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences.

© 2008 LiveScience.com. All rights reserved.

Just Ask

Ok ladies, never fear. This is not going to be a "Secret" inspired diatribe about how if you just ask for something in your heart from the universe you will receive it.

No way, no how - that boat sailed a long time ago, with Oprah at it's helm. And as you all know, this blog is devoted to new ideas, not mass marketed ones.

What I'm talking about is literally asking, for things, you want, from people (particularly men).

Today I was at Best Buy, contemplating exactly why an iPod cover costs $30. Upon walking up to the register to pay (that is, after realizing I had no time to bargain hunt elsewhere, as my flight leaves to Asia tonight and I need the damn cover) I merely stated to the guy at the register (with a smile of course) your iPod covers are too expensive. And just like that, he gave me 10% off.

And I didn't even really ask. Imagine the possibilities if I had?

Whether you are in need of an upgrade, a better table, a discount, suggestions, etc. I've come to realize, that sometimes, all you have to do is ask. More often than not, people are more than happy to comply.

I think the same is true in relationships. If your significant other isn't fulfilling your needs - rather than being passive aggressive, ask for what you want. The moral in all this, is that at the end of the day, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

“Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.”

-Jules Renard

Pizza & A Blind Date

So last night I went on my blind date with a 35 year old ER doctor. Most people would be like, "Oooooohh a doctor - great catch." First of all, my days of being open to anything and everything in men are OVER. Why am I giving doctors a chance - I don't like them! I should stop wasting my time.

So I arrive at Terroni and walk up, immediately recognizing him because he was starring at me with the face of a man who was hoping he was lucky enough to have his blind date be the gorgeous girl walking towards him (yes, me!)

Anyway, we walk in and he immediately says "Vow it's so happaning for a Tuesday night, no?" "You picked such a great place." (No there were no typos in the the last sentence, he was a strange FOB - he didn't have the typical FOB pronunciations. He said happaning, wildernass (instead of wilderness), and and 'ehm' instead of 'uhm' a couple times in each sentence.

So after he acknowledged the great pick on my part, he went on to talk about himself non-stop for the first 40 minutes of the date. It was one "one time in band camp" story after another. He told me about why he likes Amrmani Exhange wallets, stories of how he is clumsy and loses things all the time, literally I didn't even have a moment to say 'oh cool' or anything like. In fact I was looking around the restaurant and showed complete disinterest hoping he would shut the eff up, but my blatant lack of interest didn't seem to bother him, he kept going strong... talk talk talk talk talk!

After that he paused for a moment and started to explain why he was holding an envelope in his hand (which I was curious about but was scared to ask). He just got a lot of 'ehm' cash and didn't want to 'ehm' leave it in the car because of valet. So he asked if I would 'ehm' put it in my purse. And then went on to explain that if my purse were to get stolen tonight, he wouldn't hold me 'ehm' liable for the lost cash. (EFFEN WIERDO)

So anyway, he continues to talk. And I quickly say, excuse me I am going to go to the bathroom. I take my purse. And then I start thinking... dude what if I stole some of his cash (not that I would, but what if I was the type of girl who would do that? he is stupid for putting that much cash in my purse. It was a THICK envelope). Anyway starvation starts to kick in and after a 5min wait to get into the bathroom. I quickly call my mom, "Do we have dinner at home?" She says no. I tell her about my horrible date and how I don't know how to get out of it. She suggested calling me in 15 min to pretend that I have an emergency and have to go home.

I get back to the table and he says, I hope you are hungry. I ordered a few appetizers. Meanwhile the waitress had put down a bread basket and then they bring the food... he says do you want the bread (holding it up to have the waitress take it away to make room on the table) "I don't eat bread," he says. I start to think in my head, GREAT he is one of those fuckin pussy guys that doesn't eat this and that and I could probably out eat him in 5 minutes!

Anyway, as we start to munch a little on the appetizers, I say... what time is it - holding my hand up - indicating no watch. He says, 9:30pm, what time do you have to leave. I tell him that my grandfather is in the hospital and my dad and uncle transported him to cedar sinai tonight from mission viejo hospital (all true) and that I told him my dad I would pick him up on my way home at 10pm. Giving him 25 min to wrap shit up and eat his stupid fuckin appetizers so I could leave. Meanwhile, I am scheming in my head how I am going to feed myself real food tonight. No food at home. By the time 10 rolls around if I order something from somewhere it will take another 15-20 min. Too long of a wait. I'm hungry! And aged cured beef is not going to fill me up. So I take out my phone and say, "Oh my dad said he wants me to pick up food for him." i am going to order a pizza to go. So the waiter comes around and I say margharita pizza to go please on a different check please. And he laughs (the blind date, not the waiter) and says, you ordered a margarita to go? My eyes widen in shock. "NO. That is what they call cheese pizza in Italian restaurants.[where have you been for the past 35 years of your life]"

Pizza comes. He pays the other bill. And my car arrives from valet and I am finally freeeeeee!!!!! I turn up my music and stuff my face with yummy pizza...

Can you become virtually invisible to men by being too open?

Since the inception of No Man Land... Jelly and I have learned that being open is not only the key to meeting new people but also the solution to creating positive change in our lives.

The past few months I have been so open and made so many new friends - both girls and guys, but mostly guys. I actively seek out ways to be more open-minded to new ideas, activities and people. This has all been great and somewhat liberating.

But...Where has this gotten me? I have lots of people to talk to, hang out with, and have connected with people that I would previously have never given the time of day to. But sometimes I end up feeling invisible. I am giving so much energy to being open and the people on the opposite end make me feel invisible. Lately, no on asks about me... tries to get to know me better... or acknowledges all that I do for them. All of a sudden I feel like I'm just the nice girl... maybe I don't have enough game or mystery anymore? Can being too open take away some of the chase and make you virtually invisible?

Quote to Remember

"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can."

Margo Kaufman

Where Does the Good Go?

Tegan and Sara Lyrics
Where Does The Good Go? Lyrics

Sorry Seems to Be the Easiest Word...

Remember the song by Elton John... Sorry Seems to be Hardest Word. Well in the past 3 weeks, to be exact, sorry seems to be the easiest and most repetitive word.

It all started with an email from an x-boyfriend... a long email apologizing for all the f-cked up treatment I was given in our relationship... that was 7, almost 8 years ago! He said he was trying to rid himself of negative energy and wants to be my friend and is embarrassed that he is finally now maturing at such a late age and feels so bad for everything he did and bla bla bla bla. Wait, why do I care 7 YEARS LATER?

Then a few weeks later, another x contacted me, this time by phone. Although he didn't call directly to apologize for anything, our long over an hour conversation turned into an analysis of our relationship and how he wishes things would have worked out differently. It was actually great to speak to this most recent x, but nonetheless it got me thinking about why on earth my xes are contacting me and putting closure on chapters of my life that, for me, were already closed.

Or where they? Should I be weirded it out? Happy that I was an important enough person in their life for them to contact me? Worried that the universe is trying to send me a message that I am not picking up on? As the confusing emotions started rushing through my mind and body... the next morning after talking to my most recent x, I awake to a text message from my very first boyfriend: "Call me when you wake up."

Ring, ring...

So the first thing he says is, "I had a dream about you last night and it was so vivid. I wanted to share it with you." As he starts describing the awkward dream, which includes sexual activity... he stops in the middle and says the point is "it got me thinking about why I had this dream and I wanted to tell you that I have some unresolved emotions about our relationship [which was 10 years ago!], do you have any unresolved emotions?" No, I answer. He continues to explain to me that he wanted to apologize for the way he treated me in our relationship and that I deserved better and that he could have done things differently. I cut him off right away to say that I don't even remember and that there is no need to apologize and then he cuts me off and continues to say, "please allow me to express myself these are my feelings regardless of how you feel about the past. I need to tell you to clear it out my head."

Okay so, given that I have only had four relationships in my life so far... 3 out of 4 people have contacted me in the past 3 weeks... It seems to me that sorry only seems to be the hardest word when it means the most.

Is it possible that this NOT a coincidence? That this means something more?

Putting Out Pays Out?

You all remember "that girl" in high school. The town bicycle. The modern miracle that is the girl who cares less about what all the other girls think, and proceeds to get it on with whomever she pleases, often times putting herself, to put it very mildly, in several compromising positions.

I'm sure we've all wondered from time to time, what happened to "that girl"? Did she:

a) end up contracting some horrible STD (or several) like everyone always suggested she would

b) decide to repent for her years as a harlot by becoming a nun, or

c) marry young, rich, and fabulous.

Despite all temptation to choose answer (a), take a look around you and try to see where that girl ended up. 9 times out of 10, the answer is (c).

How is it that the girls with the worst reputations often end up marrying really well with apparently no problem while so many of us, who careful trodded the straight and narrow, are still single?

Does the guy:

a) not know about her past

b) not care about her past, or

c) like the idea of being the one that tamed the shrew?

I have to say, that with the way people talk, I think option (a) is out of the question. That leaves us (b) and (c). And I'm leaning towards (c). It takes a very special man to disregard the kinds of rumors I'm talking about and make a woman his wife. Which leaves (c). He chose her, because she was the town bicycle.

It still remains a mystery to me why these guys tend to be so "on paper" desirable...

If putting out pays out, perhaps "us girls" should give "that girl" a break?

Relationship Tofu

I wish I could take credit for this concept, but sadly someone from Gawker.com beat me to it...

The post is about Deanna Pappas, this season's Bachelorette on ABC. She is down to choosing between two men:

"Pappas explained the difficult-to-grasp concept of having to choose between "two totally different people. You got one guy on one hand, and another guy on another hand, and I'm two totally different people with each guy." This suggests that Pappas is the relationship equivalent of tofu, her spongy personality absorbing the flavors of any man with which she comes in contact."

And so was born the concept of being "human tofu." We've all experienced how being with different partners can bring out different qualities in us... but, there is a great danger in allowing each man you are with to define who you are, what you want, and how you live.

I think that "human tofu syndrome" afflicts those who lack a strong sense of identity. Just like unflavored tofu, until you dig deep and decide who you are, you might think you are pretty bland and malleable. The truth is - we all have preferences. We are all distinctive people. And at the end of the day, you should be the one choosing what flavor you want to be - rather than merely absorbing the qualities and preferences of the one you happen to be with.

Because we all know, unlike real tofu, which I'm certain revels in its endless potential as the chameleon of the food world, being relationship tofu can be draining and lead to a lot of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

No Man Land Rule: Flavor yourself (before someone else does)

What Tree Are We?

The BF and I were having a long discussion this past weekend, on our way down to San Diego, about basically everything under the sun.
One question that came up: What tree are you?
So, we selected trees for each other.

I said he is a Blue Fir:

And he said that I'm a Japanese Maple:

Match made in Tree Heaven.

Intersection

So, yesterday I celebrated my one year anniversary with Mr. Neighbor. You might be wondering then, why the picture of a random intersection in Beverly Hills? Well ladies, it turns out that this is more than an intersection in Beverly Hills... it is the intersection of relationships past and present in the life of Sexy Jelly.

When I first started dating Mr. Neighbor, I found out an interesting coincidence: he just happens to work literally across the street from where my ex works. Nice. Despite my anxiety every time I picked him up in the past year, we luckily never bumped into my ex, and my fears never came to fruition.

That is, until yesterday. My anniversary.

I get all dolled up in a minidress, put my top down (on my convertible, not on my person!) and drove to pick up Mr. Neighbor from work so that we could go out and celebrate. I was thrilled. I managed to (a) drive by my ex's building without seeing him outside having a smoke - which is what I was expecting - and (b) I found a primo spot right in front of my BF's building.

As luck would have it, (a) and (b) turned out to be less auspicious than I had imagined. As I'm waiting for my BF, who walks out of my BF's building?

None other than my ex.

Leaving the gym.

Which happens to be in my BF's building.

What are the chances? I was outside for a total of five whole minutes, and somehow, my ex has deveoped late onset gym-going (since he did NOT frequent that establishment when we dated) which placed him and I face to face at 7:40 last night.

And of course, right then, my BF (looking gorgeous) walks out to meet me.

And so, my past met my future. They shook hands. My ex congratulated us. We drove off.

Coincidence or sign? Why did my past and present collide precisely on the one year mark?

I can't help but think it is so that I can realize that at this intersection, I'm on precisely the right path... and that sometimes it takes comparing your sweaty past (poor guy was in his gym clothes) and your GQ current (the BF always looks dapper but yesterday was exceptional), face to face to realize just how far you have come.

Viva Beverly Hills.

Dare to Be Bold

Article Courtesy of Wikihow...

Begin, be bold and venture to be wise. -Horace

If you're shy, hesitant, or passive, you run the risk of leading a boring life marked by routine and unfulfilled goals. Most progress has been led by people who were bold--scientists, political servants, artists, and others who didn't wait for opportunities; they created opportunities. So if you want to be bold and unstoppable, here are some ways to kick start your momentum.

STEPS:

Pretend you're already bold.

If you were to switch places with somebody who is as bold as bold can be, what would they do in your shoes? If you already know someone who's bold, imagine how they'd act. If you don't know anyone like that, think of a character from a movie or book who's daring and brave. Spend one hour a day or one day a week pretending to be them. When you do this, go somewhere that people don't know you and won't act surprised when you do things that are out of character. Go through the motions and see what happens--you might discover that amazing things happen when you're bold, and you might be convinced to carry this bold behavior into your everyday life.

Make the first move.

Whenever you're feeling hesitant--especially in your interactions with others--swallow your pride and make the first move. Ask your acquaintance if they'd like to go to the bar down the street for drinks after work. Tell the person you fancy that you've got two tickets to a concert and you'd like them to come with you. Give your significant other a big hug and apologize for that time you overreacted a few months ago. Smile and wink at the attractive cashier.

Do something unpredictable.

What could you do that would completely surprise the people who know you? Wear high heels? Skydive? Take a dance class? Bold people aren't afraid of trying new things, and one of the reasons they're so exciting to be around is that they keep you guessing. You can start small, perhaps by wearing a color or style of clothing that you don't normally wear, or visiting a place you normally wouldn't visit. Eventually, you may get to the point where you entertain ideas that make other people's eyes widen when you mention them ("Are you serious? White water rafting?" or "You're kidding me. You want to buy that restaurant on 3rd Street?").

Ask for what you want.

Rather than wait to be recognized for your efforts, or expect someone to consider your needs, step right up to the plate and ask. Some people feel that asking for things is greedy, selfish, and rude--and it is, if you're asking for something you don't deserve. But if someone is witholding something that you've rightfully earned, they're the ones being greedy, selfish, and rude. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? They say no. Life goes on.

Ask for that promotion or pay raise you've been waiting (and working) for.
Ask for a discount. A little haggling can go a long way. The phrase "What can you do for me?" is an easy and powerful way to save money.
Ask to have your credit card's annual fee waived.
Ask a relative, friend, or even a complete stranger for help or advice.
Ask for clarification if you're not sure what is expected of you.

Take risks.

There's a difference between being reckless and accepting risks. Reckless people don't accept risks...they don't even think about them. A bold person, on the other hand, is well aware of the risks, and has decided to go through with the decision anyway, ready and willing to accept the consequences if things don't work out. Think of an athlete who takes risks every day. Are they reckless? No. It's a measured risk. You might make a mistake; we all do. But inaction can be a mistake as well, one that leads to emptiness and regret. For many people, having taken risks and fallen flat on their faces was far more fulfilling than having done nothing at all.

Rediscover who you are.

Ultimately, boldness has to do with coming from your center, what you believe. It is not about what you do, it is about who you are. If you do not know who you are, you can never be truly bold. Start really appreciating your uniqueness. Discover what makes you different and then parade it around for all to see. Put flags on it, call attention to it and love yourself for it no matter what others think. That is the heart of boldness.

TIPS

Don't confuse being bold with being aggressive. Aggressiveness often involves imposing your viewpoints or actions on others. Boldness has nothing to do with the people around you; it's about overcoming your fears and taking action.

Don't worry about rejection. Try to make your invitations to others occur as "without consequence," i.e., the opposite of an invitation from your mother to dinner. Conversely, when your invitation is declined, boldly accept it and leave the other person/people feeling okay with their choice.

While there's power in taking on something new, there's also a greater chance of failure because of your lack of experience. Embrace the failure; it's not the opposite of success, it's a necessary component. The opposite of success is sitting still.

The Evolution of the Perfect Husband

As a little girl I dreamt of being Cinderella, Snow White maybe, swept off my feet with true blissful love and have the tall handsome man of my dream - strong, responsible, caretaker - come and take care of me so I can live happily ever after.

Then when I was 16 I started to date and one completely different boyfriend after another... and 10 years later I sit here pondering the meaning of marriage and what I want out of one...

I used to think just last year that the most important things to me in a husband were: someone who has emotional stability, ownership of his life and his destiny, financial stability... someone who is responsible and is always looking after me like I am his little girl and is taking care of me forever to make sure that I never have to endure any hardship in my life. Oh wait -- that's the reason I am single. That does not exist.

Now as I am steadily approaching the other side of 25 (which really means the beginning of heading towards 30), I realize it is my responsibility to take care of my own physical, mental, emotional and financial health. To think that I will win all of these things by marrying another human being is just negligent. He is going to be a human being - not some supernatural wonder that was going to come and save my ass. I was really setting myself up for a possible divorce.

As I slowly free myself from this unrealistic fantasy (and thank God for that)... I am beginning to feel out what I actually do want in another human being (emphasis on the human part). The twinkle in my which once only twinkled at a specific type of man [businessman, tall, brunette, handsome, powerful, caretaker, superficial, luxurious, who will sweep me out of my life and into gluttony, consumerism, travel and lots of indulgence] now only twinkles at a glimpse of a real connection with another human man. One who understands for himself his own existence, has a strong sense of his identity, athletic, eats well, doesn't over indulge in anything, doesn't seek luxury like it's the only thing in life that matters, NOT a republican, not religious, free spirited, loving, believes in a deep connection with a woman and didn't dream of marrying a trophy wife all his life, wants to be a good father to healthy children, wants to be there for his children in all aspects of their life as they grow up, creative, seeks out different types of friends, loves to travel to see the world - not to go and consume in one city after another, believes in humility more than pride, works to live - not lives to work, understands the value of money - but doesn't over do it.

Is this realistic? Or just another fantasy... I don't know yet. But it won't be too long till I find my answer...

Will we girls be pleasantly surprised and marry someone who was doesn't have anything in common with our evolutionary perfect husband or will we just end up with what we imagine we want for ourselves?

Wonder (When I Became A) Woman?

The other day some friends and I were sitting down and reflecting on the Sex and the City Movie (which merits an entire post, in and of itself, but I digress). And we all took a moment to reflect on the fact that there is an unmistakably sad undertone regarding being alone and over forty as a woman. One friend, let's call him Guy, aptly pointed out that men-centric shows about men in their forties completely lack this undertone all together and single and forty is a recipe for fun if you are the male counterpart to either Carrie or Samantha. He also pointed out his rationale for the disparity:

Guy: "Girls become women at 25. Boys become men at 30*."

*I personally think that at thirty men are still boys, but in an effort to remain true in my reporting... I didn't edit his comment*

His point being of course, that women are ready to settle down sooner, and hence to still be alone at forty means you've been ready and waiting to settle down for a looooooong time.

What I found so interesting about his comment is that it was the first time I heard someone, a young guy no less, discuss exactly when a girl becomes a woman. Of course we have all different technical stops on the timeline that may define this pi vital moment in a general sense, such as getting your period, or turning 18 or 21... but his comment really resonated.

I just finished my 25th year and you know what, I think he is right. I think I became a woman at 25. I think had a settled down before 25, I would have been in biiiig trouble. The way I think, the way I live, and the way I view my future have all completely changed in the last year.

The question is, if I became a woman at 25, and my boyfriend is now 28 (and thus technically still a boy), will our adulthood ever collide such that we will make it in the long run? Is the age gap just not big enough for us to be in sync in terms of planning for the future?

The Purpose of Guy Friends...?

Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?

Harry: Great, friends. It’s the best thing…You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.

Sally: Why not?

Harry: What I’m saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry: No, you don’t.

Sally: Yes, I do.

Harry: No, you don’t.

Sally: Yes, I do.

Harry: You only think you do.

Sally: You’re saying I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all want to have sex with you.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: They do not.

Harry: Do too.

Sally: How do you know?

Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally: So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.

Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.

Sally: What if they don’t want to have sex with you?

Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.

Remember the movie When Harry Met Sally... aww how cute were they, falling in love slowly and romantically... and .... by... default? Did Sally really love Harry, or did she just settle?

Well we know Harry and Sally eventually got together and lived happily ever after... but not all of us fantasize of ending up with our guy friend. In fact for us girls, the guy is probably our friend because we don't actually want to date them. So why do we keep them around? Is there actually a part of us that hopes we may eventually end up with them?

If the sex always gets in the way and all friendships with guys are doomed, why do we women still persist on having guy friends? What purpose do they serve us? The better question is, why do we even have guy friends that we engage in sex with? Why not just sex with a casual partner or sex with a boyfriend... why sex with a guy friend? Why make shit complicated?